Dead Dreams
Autor: TokyoMEWS
The enthusiasm continued, and when I was old enough I startet learning CPC BASIC and a bit later PASCAL.
My parents were neither alarmed nor anything. They were both happy I was toying around with something they thougt would be the future and also that I did not insist on playing with girly things. I can't remember being into girly things, except for times when I wanted to be 'normal' and accepted by other girls.
But this is supposed to be about what drove me off the IT world lately.
As I said, I started enthusiastically. I thought there were no borders, or at least no other borders than the known technical boundaries. Until I started hitting glass ceilings and glass fences...
When I was nearly 25 I finally got into the working world and started an apprenticeship as a programmer. I got accepted by the company of my dreams and being female usually was not an issue. Or at least I did not see it and attributed it to being an apprentice. However, I remember talking to a Japanese co-worker about my intention to become a programmer in a mixture of Japanese and English. We then went to see another Japanese co-worker and the two started talking in Japanese. When the first one told the second one that I wanted to become a programmer, the second one started laughing out loud. I wish had thrown in a 'Nante, okashii..?' (What's so funny?) to make the second one aware of me understanding the main points they were talking about. Well, maybe the funny part was that I'm not Japanese and not pressured by society to be married by thirty and stop working in order to take care of children...? Well, I attributed his behaviour to cultural differences and although I can now say that I felt hurt, I couldn't then.
Past me was probably pretty naive. Past me likely also had problems making connections between things.
But then this happened:
I had a job interview and one of the two interviewers told me straight that they could not employ me because I am a woman. I would 'marry, have children and stop working then' which he deemed 'not good for the team and we need to hire again later'.
I drove home in shock. Never had anything like this happened to me. I was not driving home singing along to the radio as I usually would. I turned the radio off because I could not stand the music I had enjoyed listening to just an hour or so ago.
For at least two days I felt I had the wrong gender, specifically, the wrong genitalia. I cannot remember anything else about those 2 days. I guess I was still in shock.
After the initial shock lifted I remembered that we have anti-discrimination laws in Germany. I was not sure where to turn to or if my experience would be 'sufficient' to be covered by these laws, so I asked and was pointed to the federal anti-discrimination office. I gave them an account of what had happened and they suggested I should get a lawyer. Long story short: I got a lawyer, but the company only had to offer me the job again. Needless to say, I'm smart enough not to work for a company that would probably kick me out for any odd reason they'd find during the first six months. Personally, I had hoped for a monetary compensation. Money can't make discrimination unhappen, but in my opinion, still today, just offering me the job again? Seriously, what kind of punishment is that? Discrimination MUST hurt, it's not a joke that can be compensated by another joke...
That moment the scales fell from my eyes. I wish I had gained some super power like becoming Sailor Moon and being able to punish discrimination an the spot. Not sure how, but maybe shooting beams from a wand that makes people feel what they've just done...?
Also, depression came back. I was admitted as an out-patient, but it didn't work well. My doctor (male) believed I just needed a thicker skin, and everyone else in the group had either just gone through a divorce or troubles with their parents. Me having trouble with society 'was nothing they could treat'.
Maybe I gained a bit of a super power. I radicalized. I see this as the turning point why I consider myself a radical feminist today.
I have experienced so many things in the meantime, some straight from the 101 of how not to handle a femdev.
It's IT, everybody gives it 110%, or at least claims it. As a woman, you're required to give it an extra 10% of effort. (Actually, my female general doctor told me to do this. Is this 'toxic feminism'?)
Where does constantly giving 121% lead to? Burn-out and depression, or, as I call it, hell...
There have been studies that, when anonymized, code written by women is largely considered to be 'better', but when attributed to a woman, men will disapprove of the same code. What that means? As a woman you're constantly under survey of your male co-workers. Mistakes by you will be found more frequent and will be perceived as graver. If you're a human being, this hurts. It is my firm believe that you need a certain amount of freedom if you want to make good software, but how can this be archived when your male equals and superiors put you in a glass house? If you start throwing stones you're accused of trying to ruin the team.
I absolutely understand women in tech trying to find their niche somewhere where there's more freedom. While I still wonder if women are more likely to take on positions that require 'human interaction' because 'women are naturally good with people', because they're away from the (toxic) team, by choice or by order?, or for other reasons.
Some women want to work part-time and this can be a problem, but only when neither side talks openly about their concerns and, most importantly, not to each other. Will a mother be able to go on a business trip for 3 days? I don't know, but I'm not to make presumptions, I'm to ask this mother. What if you have Tuesdays off and your team makes a big step forward (or backwards) on a Tuesday? Write a f**king eMail summarizing the issue.
Another thing that happened to me: I saw a pretty promising book about C on a friend's shelf. I asked if I could read it and was denied that wish. Why ever... At least, years later he apologized and told me that at that time he was afraid of me becoming a better programmer than him. This is straight WTF?
In short: Why would you want to work in an environment that disapproves of you and feels toxic? I mean, if this was a relationship, you'd use your common sense and quit it, right?
I know it can be hard. Tech is my passion. What ever I do or want to do, the second question is usually: Can I solve the problem by using computers or other machines? I've recently written a program that creates an SVG with boxes for me to practice kanji and some of the boxes automagically have 'shadow kanji' in a font that also indicates the stroke order. All I have to do is chose a kanji, enter it in the program et voila. I will never not use computers.
But I've come to the conclusion that I only have this life. And I don't wanna waste it on a world that destroys me...