Scrubs Quotes
Autor: yo-tan
(Turk recalls times when he's been singled out through childhood)
[Present time]
Turk: Remember the college book?
JD: so what they put you on the cover
Turk: Twice!
(he points to the book and thier are 2 of him on the cover, in exactly the same pose, wearing the same clothes!!)
-=---=--=--=-=-=
(TO JD)
Janitor: You Look Unhappy, i like That
-=-=--=-=-=--=-=
Kelso: Thanks i owe you one
Dr.Cox:[voice-over] MUST RESIST URGE TO RUB IT IN HIS FACE... MUST RUB SOMETHING IN SOMEONE'S FACE.
[turns to an unconscious patient]
Dr.Cox: So how's that coma going for ya there?
Dr.Cox:[Voiceover]ahhh much better!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
Kelso:Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
Dr.Cox : Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
JD: Dr.Cox..
Dr.Cox:Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'.
JD: See Ya!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Explaining the real world to JD]
Dr.Cox: You've got to wa-a-a-ke up, honey... oh no, you wet the bed again... Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?
=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=
Dr.Cox: They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.
-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
Dr.Cox: I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks.
-=-=-=-==-=-=-==-
Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Elliot and JD are about to bungee jump, and JD is very nervous]
Eliot:Come on, what's the worst that could happen?
JD: We could die
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
JD: You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?
Carla: I Dont Know
[TURK passes by]
JD: Catch you later... my brutha
Turk: I'll holla.
JD:[To Carla]He said Holla
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox: [on the phone] Sure, Jordan, you can take over the master bathroom. Just make sure you leave my sleeping pills out. So that I could, you know, swallow about 300 of them...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Lisa: [after kissing J.D] Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you having a good time?
JD: Actually, it's a roll of quarters.
[Takes out the quarters]
JD: Laundry day.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: Can you get that for me? I can't reach it
JANITOR : Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back. I mean, I owe you one
JD: No, i really need it
JANITOR : Ok, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year.
JD: Ok, I want that.
JANITOR : Too late.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-
JD : Why aren't you using the mop I bought you?
JANITOR: I didn't like it.
JD : But you cried!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD : What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox : Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I... do I smell beer?
JD: Uh, we... we, uh, we had a few
Dr.Cox : Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
JD : [to himself, as Dr. Cox stands next to him at a urinal] Okay, just act natural...
(OUT LOUD) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Cox : I don't want to hear anything out of that man's mouth other than "Oh no, I'm dying, there's a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I'm in hell! Hitler, Musollini... Captain Kangaroo? That's not right."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Eliot: So hows the Drama queen?
JD: I Dont Know, How Are you?,"Zinnng!"
-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==--=-=
Dr.Cox : Listen up there molly Menopause
-=====-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox : Im Dr.Cox,[Looks at JD] This is my gal pall friday
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-
Eliot : Please dont leave bed-pans in my locker, it scares me
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[JD is stuck in a lift and janitor drops through the top of the lift]
JD : did you just climb down a lift shaft just to torment Me?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Dr.Kelso walks forward]
Kelso : What Do You Want??!!
JD : Nothing i dont want anything from you ever
Kelso: thats what my son always says, thats untill mothers day comes around and he wants to go halfies on the pasta pot for Enit, shes not my mother dammit!
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Dr.Kelso: now get out my my way, nurse Tidale is wearing ancle socks today!
=--=-=-=--==-=-=--=-=-
Jordan: your only invited because for some reason you have a spongebob squarepants costume
JD: It Was a Gift!
JD: [IN HEAD-Voiceover) From Me Too Me!
---------------------
Elliot: Why can't couples these days just be together, you know?
Sean: Why is always about sex?
Elliot: Yes, Sean, yes!
Sean: You know Freud said that 90% of all human behavior is motivated by sexual impulses. Give me some credit, I would say at least 30% of my behavior is motivated by advertising and the rest by violence in film.
Elliot: For me it's 98% getting my dad to love me and 2% chocolate.
Thx Odysseus You can also check in "post" Area for more of Odysseus suggestions, i wil post more of his here too
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Ben: Hey, JD, my sister, Danni, is more of a gentle kisser, don't you think? But I find that Jordan is a little bit more on the lines of teeth and tongue and fangs.
[hisses]
--=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-=
Ben: [to JD] Ya know something? *You* have slept with both of my sisters. So that means that you and I have something in common.
=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=
Elliot: I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?
J.D.: Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
Turk: *Or,* it's a simple surgery.
JD: Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face!
Elliot: Cut me the hell up.
JD: Dammit!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr Cox... why is your mouth red?
Dr. Cox: Duct tape, two hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor. End of story.
-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=
Carla: turk, if i decide to keep my last name after we get marrried, thats no big deal right?
Turk: Of course not baby, we'll just have one of those modern marriages where the cuople dont love eachother.
-------------------------
Turk: its killing me i cant beat this woman no matter what i try, she's like a ninja but worse
JD:Nothing Worse than a ninja ,their masters of every style of combat
------------------
Turk: Carla, JD's my friend but if you want me to kick his ass, i will kick his ass, because i love you
Carla: And because im willing to sleep with you
Turk: Hell Yeah
-------------------
My Favourite of All the lines
Dr. Elliot Reed: Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns.
---------------------
Elliot: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
----------------------
Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins!
-----------------------
JD: Hey there, research buddy!
Dr.Cox: We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.
----------------------
Dr.Cox: Hello Sad Clown
----------------------
[JD Has just become a "Doctor" and is wearing a new white coat]
Dr. Kelso: Sharp coat, sport
JD: Yeah, it's spiffy!
----------------------
kelso: Don't you know that you're nothing but a pair of scrubs to me?
----------------------
[todd has just annoyed Carla, Turks Girlfriend]
Turk: what have i told you about annoying carla?,if it came down to you or carla, you know how it would end
Todd: Yes i do..and i thankyou for that
=-=-=--=-=-=
Dr.Cox: I Dont Care if your beeper plays "Who let the dogs out, hoof! hoof!" as many times as ya like
JD: Actually its "who who" but thanks
----=-=-=-=-=-=
Cox: Why in the hell are you wearing a coat?
JD: Because I'm a doctor
Cox: Look Babs, if you are truly worried about people seeing your ass then you just go ahead and do what the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist
-=-==-=-=-=-=-=
Janitor: I was in the military
JD: Where did you come from?
Janitor: If I find out you wearing a bronzy without having served I am going to make things uncomfortable for you
JD: (Coat wearing doctors do not take this crap) You were never in the military
Janitor: Yes, I was
JD: Which branch?
Janitor: The janitor branch
-==-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox: I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy dog tails where you obviously, if not grew up, then at least spent most of your summers, but you're in the real world now! N'kay?
-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not bring your problems to work day, this is just work day
-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=
Turk: JD said you were a big ole can of crazy
JD: A little can, a very tiny small can
Turk: You said big can
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Turk: Dude, you are such a loser, man
JD: I think I look spiffy, I am trying to separate myself from the whole pack
Carla: You already have Bambi, you are the biggest geek to ever come through here
Turk: Yeah, he is
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: Steady now..... be brave..... don't cry
-==-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Elliot: Hey
JD: What are you doing?
Elliot: All the beds are taken. Scoot
JD: Bunk with The Todd!
Elliot: JD, you know that he is a sleep humper
Todd: Sometimes when I'm banging this mattress, I'm thinking about banging that one!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ted: So you're engaged to that surgeon guy?
Carla: Uh-huh
Ted: Is it serious?
Carla: No Ted, we swing
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-===-=-
(thx To 0dysseus for this quote)
JD : Anyway, this is the end of a major chapter in our lives and you know what? I am going to take you out tonight, yes sir, we are going to get some dinner, we'll get a nice bottle of wine
Turk : It sounds like you are asking me out on a man-date
JD : Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?
-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Elliot: No Dr. Murray, I don't want any fries to go with this shake. I don't even know what that means.
Noelle: Excuse me, Dr. Reid
Elliot: What, you want to ask me how many ceiling tiles I've counted this week, or maybe you just want to call me a name like tramp or ho or slesident, which apparently is half slut and half resident
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr.Cox Really,My God Fiona!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Janitor: You're Stupid
JD: That's it?
Janitor: Give it time, it'll eat at ya
[Later]
JD: Am I stupid?
Elliot: Yeah, a little bit
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: You're ex-wife, she's the answer
Cox: Umm, things that ruined my life, things that took half my money, things with sharp edges!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Cox: I am just not going to have you pirouetting around in here while my heart is breaking inside
JD: Sorry
Jordan: You're heart is breaking inside? That's so embarrassing for you
Cox: Thank you for that
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[JD Fogets to tape the birth of Dr.cox's Friend's Baby]
Cox: So, in other words there is no permanent historical record of the birth of my friend's baby
JD: I think that the baby itself would serve as proof that it was.... you know.... born
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Cox: Listen up there Molly Menopause, I need you to quiet the hell down, you're scaring everyone in the hospital. I mean, my god, they're delivering a baby upstairs and the poor kid is using the umbilical cord to crawl the hell back in
-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Cox: Okay, I'm Dr. Cox, this is my gal friday, she'll be helping me to take care of you. But before we get underway we are going to need you to ease up on the yakity yak
-===-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==
JD: So basically Mr. Davis, you received a blunt trauma to the fibrous tissue of the corpus cavernosum
Mr. Davis: Great, and that means?
JD: You broke your penis
Mr. Davis: Wow, I can't wait to get my cast signed
-=-=-==-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
Turk: Dude, why eat medical supplies when you've got pudding and tater tots right here? It makes no sense!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: (As third year residents you really have to stay on top of your interns)
Turk: These right here, you see these names? They are called patients. This one needs brain work, this one needs a heart
JD: This guy needs courage
Turk: Helping or hurting JD, helping or hurting? The point is, they will live or die based on your lame ass post-ops, so please people shape the hell up!
Interns: Yes Dr. Turk
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Elliot: Bruce, this is going to be your third folie cath in a row. You can do this, you didn't need to page me 17 times between the time I bought the rum raisin muffin and then threw it away because alcoholism runs in my family
Bruce: After this morning I just want to make sure I really have this down... [beatbox]
Elliot: What are you doing?
Bruce: Its just a nervous habit, it helps me concentrate
Elliot: You know what helps me concentrate?
Bruce: Me not doing that?
Elliot: No, bunnies
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-==-=-=
Turk: You know, I wish I could be an insensitive cynical robo-doc like you, but unfortunately I don't hate the world enough, you know what I'm saying chief?
Cox: People please stop calling me chief
Dr. Kelso: Hey numbnuts
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox: Let me go ahead and share alittle something special with you that i like to call Perry's perspective: one, if someone is standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and can't decide what they want in the half hour it took to get to the register then i should be allowed to kill them; two, i am fairly sure that if they took porn off the internet, there would only be one website left and it would be called bring back the porn; three, and most importantly of all, the only way to be respected as a doctor and a man is to be an island, you are born alone, you damn sure die alone. isn't that right spike? the point is, and you might want to jot this down, only the weak need help
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[JD's most uncomfortable momenet]
JD's Grandma:What movie are we watching
JD:It's Basic Instinct, Granma."
=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: Hey Dr. Cox
Cox: Still no talking in the bathroom newbie. Know what's weird?
JD: That you're allowed to talk?
-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr.Cox: Well now Maggie, I can only assume you are wiling away the morning cat chatting with your favorite gal pal because you have already finished your pre-rounding
JD: I haven't even started yet
Cox: What?
JD: Gotcha! Finished!
Cox: That's a good one newbie, my heart is racing, you are quite the prankster
JD: I could tell you some stories
Cox: And if there is a god in heaven, you never will. This is Mrs. Grayson's chart, her private practice doctor just showed up so I am off this one
JD: Is there anything I need to do for her lung nodule?
Cox: Oh, I don't know, what do you say you start her off on 20 cc's of it's not my problem anymore
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-==-=
Todd: Dude, what were her boobs like?
Elliot: Todd, I am standing right here
Todd: I'm sorry, what are your boobs like?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Tracy just came off the phone]
Tracy hey Elliot,ok first impression did i skim micheal off?
Elliot No..
Dr.Cox No! Not if he enjoys a big fat cup of crazy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Turk is Sitting in Dr.kelsos favourite bench to eat lunch]
Dr.Kelso:(slightly angry) nice Spot
Turk: Yes Sir it is
Dr.kelso(sa)I Usualy try to get out here for lunch everyday at 12:30
Turk Ya Dont Say
Dr.Kelsoyep.everyday,12:30, for 23 years
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Cox: What?
JD: I think the Larkins compliment each other, they are a good team. Kind of remind me of us
Cox: Roseanne, granted I was, as usual, only halfway listening to you but I got the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. I know a girl can dream, but this is never going to happen
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, are you off for the day?
Elliot: Oh, I just didn't have a place to change
Laverne: Ummhmm
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I am going to pretend you're not wearing that
Laverne: Don't you usually wait until you get home before you do that?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: Luckily for Turk revenge is a dish best served cold, not unlike this tapioca pudding
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox: Jordan, please tell me you ate a racoon and it's slowly making its way through your digestive system
Jordan: Oh don't worry, it's not your baby, though not for lack of trying. See, we have sex a lot
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=
Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife Jordan. Jordan, this is my girlfriend Julie. Okay, that was a treat wasn't it? Now, would you like me to call you a cab or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Carla: You don't seem that stressed out
Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days
JD: Twice this morning and I haven't even had my coffee yet
Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about
JD: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch I probably could
-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh.... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything, everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions....Oh! And Hugh Jackman
JD:(IN HEAD) Hugh Jackman's Wolverine! How dare he!
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Molly: Do you wanna, uh, get a cup of coffee tonight?
Elliot: Can't, I'm hitting the internet hard and going on a friend hunt!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Ted: uh, im afraid youve but us at somewhat of a legal bind
Kelso: [pushing ted out of the way] good god you couldnt scare a child
Ted: [Quietly] Who would want to?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Cox : [walking quickly through the cafeteria] I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible...
Elliot : Oh, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox : Awww, dammmit!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Kelso : I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?
Dr. Cox : I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin!
Dr. Kelso : Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr.Cox: Listen girlfriend, I don't want to hear your misguided romantic notions. You see for me, sex is a sport like racquetball. You play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye
Carla: Say what you want, I know that you care about her. In fact, I bet, that after you two are done playing racquet ball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it you'd like nothing better than to just lie there and pass the time by watching her sleep
Dr.Cox: Carla, it's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan seeing how she sleeps hanging upside down from the ceiling wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings
Carla: That's nice!
-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
[Eloit is about to kiss her boyfriend Paul, who is a male nurse,Dr.kelso walks past]
Eliot[Nervous]Nurse i need clean sheets straight away to room..one..one thousand
[Kelso Stops]
Paul oh she's covering because she's emberarrased that she likes a nurse and i cant figure out why.
Dr.Kelso Well Thats because your doing a Woman's job son..have a good one!
--=-=-=-=-==-==-=--=-=-=-==-=-=
(for Garyjohn3)
Dr. Cox: Hey, Camel Butt!... I heard you and Carla talking earlier.
Elliot: [sotto voce]: Frick on a stick with a brick! ...just leave.
Dr. Cox: Oh whoah now. What happened to, what happened to "Feisty Barbie"? Huh? You know it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Oh well, yesterday I had a mentor but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from someone who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look! I know you and I have never really "connected." Maybe that's because you are relentlessly annoying or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people. I don't know! But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life: I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two year-old son calls me "Per-wee" and, this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before but, on Saturday nights I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive-bars and insist that everybody call me "Mrs. Haberdasher."
Elliot: hah! No you don't!
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie! The point is that if you've finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well... I would think twice before I wrote that person off.
--------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------
Molly: I'm sorry, but I'm only attracted to damaged and dysfunctional people, and you're just to normal.
J.D.: (J.D's mind: Sometimes all it takes is a slamming hotty to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are) My emotional journey began when i walked in on my parents having sex in a position that my father would playfully describe as the jackhammer. I have a mentor that verbally abuses me at every chance he gets. And no matter how much i try, i cannot stop constantly narrating my life.
(J.D's mind: At that very moment, i feared i had divulged to much).
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=
JD.: I just Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Chris Turk : What the hell are you talking about?
JD: Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets fired after Jan tells her boss...
Chris Turk: -DUDE, I know. Don't you ever question me on 'the Bunch'
-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture. Can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
JD: Is that a gay joke?
Dr.Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years-how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays-I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween-but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jordan I don't understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown?
Ben: [in English accent] Because I don't like people to see my bum.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Turk explains Papa Smurf's version of leadership]
Chris Turk : Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf.
JD: Presentation, inspiration, and fear?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr. Kelso: Jumping Jupiter, I sure do enjoy the tough love
Dr.Cox: They probably like it to there Bob, whether they admit it or not
Dr.Kelso: Well
Dr.Cox: Ah the old guy's so tough on me but I love him, right? right? They hate you Bob, they hate you from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork, they hate you, dear god they hate you good
Laverne: (Laughs)
Dr. Kelso: What are you laughing at?
Laverne: That hooves and pitchfork part, why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: The hematopathologist (thunder) Hello?
Dr Bob: Call me Dr. Bob
JD: You go by your first name?
Dr Bob: No, first name's Fred
JD: Fred Bob!?!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JD: Oh no! She's got a pink-hold! Eliot has the pinky strength of a rock-climbing jazz pianist.
-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
Turk: Couples therapy is killing me.
Todd: I don't know how you do it! Make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?
Turk: That's not couples therapy Todd.
Todd: Then what did I do?
Turk: You did amateur porn!
Todd: Sweet.
-==-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
Janitor: Heh, Photoshop, you can do anything. (holds up a photo) Here I have you wearing a ducks bill. Get it? Because you're a quack! Get it? Classic comedy my friend.=-
-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jordan: Jack's fine, but the doctor said if the cut was four inches to the left and seven inches deeper, it could have potentially scratched his eye.
Dr. Cox: That was a close one.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Laverne: You have ONE DAY to get us another gorgeous irishman.
Todd: ONE DAY. (weird looks from JD and Turk) What? The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender.
-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
J.D.: Do you ever get the feeling that our patients pretend to be sicker when we're around.
Elliot: Oh yeah, you know Mrs. Wilson back there, she made her spline pretend to rupture, then she pretended to die.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
J.D.: Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney.
Ted: Mark my words, Jake. We're going to take every last cent you have!
J.D.: Ted, we're on his side.
Ted: Oh... here's my card.
Jake: This is a Post-It.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.
Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.
J.D.: "Buy groceries. Kill self."
Jake: Just admit it. You've been sent from the future to destroy me.
-==-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-
Miss Goldman: Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?
Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972.
Miss Goldman: You graduated twelfth in your class in 1968.
Laverne: She Googled your ass.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I'm not interested in your street lingo. What I'm interested in is where she found that magic phone that keeps making me look like an idiot
-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dr. Cox: Tough there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhoea and stunned silence.
Carla: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
Dr. Cox: No, Carla. Men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums or when you drive so that we can "relax" and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Lookit, the only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is "The Chase." If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him.
Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you want to lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, d'ya?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-
Dr. Cox: The woman is everywhere. She's there when I workout in the morning, when I workout in the car on the way to work and when I workout when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her and that used to be fine when she just came around for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now. I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan wouldn't already be there waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the river Styx.
=-====================
(JD is running from Dr.Cox)
JD (IN HEAD) Hey do you know who i haven't seen today
(The Janitor puts his arm out knocking JD down in mid-run)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SOUND-BYTE SECTION-NEW!!
(Temp. Non existant, looking ofr new sources)
========================
Janitor: Door's broke, it's the fifth time this week it won't open.
JD: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there
Janitor: Why a penny?
JD: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there? If I find a penny in there I'm taking you down.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
JD: Y'know how I am totally down with the rap music?
Turk: Dude... be whiter.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
JD: How's it going?
Janitor: I'm 37 years old and I'm a janitor, how do you think it's going?
JD: Now there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Janitor: Thank you, you've turned my life around. I'm going to have to go tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living and that comes straight from our hero, Doctor Who's-It, Doctor Nothing. No seriously, come on. You can come over to my house and point out things that are cheap.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Cox: But if you ever do want to know my opinion, rest assured it will always be that you are an incredible pain and every time I see your kewpie doll face it just makes me want to pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you've wasted fall out .
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Carla: You're right, he definitely has a cute little butt.
Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted.
JD: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt, I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in someday.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Turk: Who's da Man?
Ted: Is it me?
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Cox: I was just wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Janitor: Hey, from now on your name is Scooter.
JD: I don't get it.
Janitor: Short for scooter pie, I hate scooter pies.
JD: Oh, now I see.... (you big jerk.)
---
JD: She called me Bambi in front of everyone! My name is not Bambi!
Janitor: It's Scooter! ...Short for scooter pie.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Cox: What are you saying? That you wanna be like me? Do you understand that I just barely want to be like me?
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Alex: You're so different from the guys I usually go out with.
JD: How so?
Alex: For starters, I'm still wearing pants.
JD: That's because I respect you, and also this triple knot I couldn't get out.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Cox: Every time I shake my magic 8 ball and ask it "are we going to be best friends forever?", do you know what it says?
Turk: No.
Cox: Outlook is buh-leak.
Turk: Doctor Cox, you can't really trust those things. When I was nine I asked mine if I should crack it open and drink the fluid inside. I puked blue for like three days.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Elliot: You wanna be alone?
JD: No.
Elliot: You wanna cry a little?
JD: No.
Elliot: You wanna throw things off the roof like Letterman used to do?
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Cox: Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak or do you find that you drift in and out?
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
JD: I actually have a great ass, it's firm like mutton.
-=-=--=-====-=-=-=-=
Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What?
Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.