Your love came and crushed my heart like a hut in a hurricane.
Your affection, signs of tender love and adoration, were too much for my trembling soul to hold on to, hope for.
It was hard to breathe in your presence.
Your eyes fell on me in that loving way they used to do and my knees turned weak, my hands started to shake.
Clutching my hands around the warm porcelain cup in front of me and occupying them with stirring a silver spoon in my cafe au lait, I tried my best to avoid your gaze.
"We need to talk.", you said and your fingers stopped tapping on the paperbox containing your cigarettes. Blowing a puff of smoke out of your lungs through your plush lips, your eyes changed.
I was startled by the statement and looked up from my cup.
"I'm growing tired with playing games.", you continued and knocked the end of your cigarette into the ashtray that stood in the middle of the table between us.
"We had that topic already.", I replied calmly and closed my eyes. And my heart.
Another fight. I didn't want this.
"I'm fed up with waiting."
You shot another bullet.
"I'm fed with spending - wait - ´wasting my time on this."
"I know I'm fucked up, no need to tell me."
"I'm not the one making this hard on us.", you huffed and an angry frown started to curl your left brow, "I'm not the one shutting out, you know."
"Akira, please... don't start this again...", I begged although my plea was empty. You had to. We both couldn't help it.
Everything you felt for me, you bottled up.
You knew I didn't want to hear sweet little compliments or I-love-yous. No.
You knew your kisses and touches and presence drove me into a corner.
I wanted you so much, it hurt. I wanted you too much to have you.
"How long do you plan on holding that line?"
"I don't know."
"Stop fooling me."
"You know I wish I could..."
"No, you could."
"I'm trying to!"
"Then why is this not working? Is it my fault?"
"No. I don't know...", I admitted and felt my eyes getting wet.
"Listen, this...", you stopped and ran a hand over your face, killing the stub of the cigarette in the ashtray, "I just don't know what to do about all this shit anymore."
You looked tiredly at me and your lips twitched into something between a frown and a sad smile as you spoke on.
"I told you already I love you. I still do. I'm down on my fucking knees in front of you and all you care to feed me with are I-don't-knows and I'm-sorrys."
I looked down at my cup again and bit back another apology.
"Are you breaking up with me..?", I dared to ask.
"There is nothing to break up, Takanori. Remember that you didn't want this to be a relationship."
The use of my birth name cut into my flesh like a glowing sword and the tears started rolling down my heated cheeks.
"I'm just trying to make you see..."
Your hands engulfed my face gently, your thumbs caressing the tears away.
"That you're everything I want. Everything I've always wished for. I need you."
You kissed my reddened lips as soon as you had leaned far enough over the table to reach me.
"So stop playing childish games with me... and let me in..."
Your forehead came to rest against mine and our eyes closed simultanously, your lips ghosting over mine again as you whispered gentle soothing against them, calming me down slowly.
"I'm sorry...", I breathed back and slid my arms around your shoulders, "You know I need you..."
And suddenly, it wasn't that hard to admit anymore. And I didn't feel that far in that corner anymore either. And it was easier to breathe.
"I love you."
"I don't deserve you...", I whispered as he kissed my ear.
"Then start to."
