I'll Stand By You
(Song: The Pretenders – I’ll Stand By You)
I’ll Stand By You
There was no room to breathe, no room to think, and all Sam could do was listen. He couldn’t move, couldn’t utter one syllable that would tell Dean it was okay. He hadn’t known it was possible to feel so sorry for someone that it deprived you of the ability to form words.
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dean stopped talking, started shaking, and his words still rung in Sam’s ears, so loud he couldn’t hear his own thoughts.
Forty years in hell. His brother had endured forty years in hell because he had failed to save him.
As if four months wouldn’t have been enough. Forty years.
And now he was broken, and scared, and ashamed, afraid to look Sam in the eyes. His back was turned to Sam, rigid and so tense, Sam knew he would shatter under one harsh word from him. He knew Dean was crying, saw it in the way his shoulders slumped forward, had heard it in his voice.
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side, too
Sam did not understand why Dean tried to hide it from him. He had just told him his darkest secret; it made no sense to hide his tears. But if you looked at it from a different angle, the useless attempt to conceal this specific weakness showed that even after forty years in hell, Dean was still his big brother. Dean had always tried to appear strong and indestructible, even when the question whether for Sam or for himself was an unanswerable one.
Sam didn’t really care for the answer. Dean was his brother.
When the night falls on you
And you don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess could make me love you less
No matter what Castiel or Uriel or even God thought about Dean’s deeds in hell, nothing of that could change his feelings for Dean, could change the fact that he needed his brother to be by his side. Sam watched Dean tremble, watched him crumble before his eyes under the weight of what he had done, and he felt himself reach out to him and lightly rest his hand on Dean’s shoulder. He felt Dean shudder beneath it, but he didn’t pull away, he stayed still, and Sam just hoped that Dean somehow knew.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Sam hoped Dean knew he wouldn’t leave him, he hoped Dean knew that no matter what he did, Sam would stay. There was nothing Dean could do to ever drive him away.
So, if you’re mad get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry, too – well I’m a lot like you
Sam had his own record of questionable deeds, and he didn’t have thirty years of torture and desperation to excuse him. And yes, Dean didn’t like that, was afraid of what his brother might become, but he didn’t leave, did he? No, Dean never left. He was taken away, but he never left. And now he was back to fight once again, had his own guardian angel to prove he wasn’t the bad person he deemed himself, and Sam knew the pressure of it all was too much for Dean. He couldn’t believe in himself remembering what he had done – but Sam could believe, had always believed in him. And having lost almost all his faith in a supreme power that he’d hoped would grant him forgiveness, there was now nothing left for Sam to believe in but Dean.
When you’re standin’ at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you’re wrong
Sam would stay with Dean, would try to help him, and would do anything in his power to ease his pain. Dean had to understand it wasn’t his fault – that there was only so much a soul could take before it cracked and broke, and Sam would make him understand. He had failed to save his brother from hell; he would sooner die than allow anyone to drag him into a fight he couldn’t win. It was scary to see Dean like this, so weak and full of guilt, but Sam couldn’t allow that to change anything.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour, and I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
Sam stepped around the hood of the Impala and closer to Dean, stroked his shoulders and his back until Dean stopped trembling, and he only noticed that he’d held his breath when he released it with a sigh. It suddenly seemed so easy, the thought of putting his arms around Dean and holding him until everything bad just went away was maybe a little childish, but it was tempting nonetheless. Sam knew Dean would let him.
And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone – you won’t be on your own
Dean would let him because he had no defence left, because he needed Sam to tell him everything would be alright. Sam was taller than Dean, had been so for years, but that had never changed his feeling of insecurity and smallness when he’d compared himself to his big brother. Dean had always been the better shot, better at killing evil things, more popular with the ladies, had managed to make it at least look like living what they were doing, and Sam had felt confident in his role as the younger one, the geek who knew too much, the one who was different because he wanted to be normal. Nothing had ever been normal for them.
And Sam had been okay with feeling small next to Dean, because, let’s face it, Dean was awesome. Of course Sam had acted like he was a nuisance, a plague to walk the earth and his own personal penalty, they were brothers for Gods sake, but he’d loved Dean like he was and wouldn’t have wanted him any other way – if maybe a little bit happier. He loved that he always would look up to Dean, even if he had to look down to do it. And no matter what it took, Sam would do anything to bring that back.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour, and I’ll never desert you
Sam would make it happen, he didn’t know how or when, but he would, and Dean would be better, would be strong and smartass again, would never even think about allowing Sam to hug him, because it messed with his masculinity-scale – or whatever it was he worshipped so stubbornly.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Sam hesitated for a second, and then he finally did it. Dean felt weirdly small in his arms, nothing like the grown man he was supposed to be, and he didn’t say a word until Sam pressed him closer. Then he whispered Sam’s name, it came out as a broken little sob, and even if Sam had known that his gesture would completely destroy Dean’s remaining defences, he would have gone ahead and done it anyway. Dean started shaking again, trembled in his arms like a scared kitten, and he was crying so hard, the force of it shook his whole body. He pressed his face to the crook of Sam’s neck, grabbed the back of Sam’s shirt with both fists, and held on for dear life. Sam tried to sooth him, but his whispered assurances that everything would be okay only seemed to make Dean cry harder. So he stopped talking, and did what Dean would do were he in his place. He just held him.
I’ll stand by you
And I’ll never desert you
The End
