next chapter.....didn´t really turned out like I wanted...but hey...that´s life ~.^
comments would be nice,by the way<3
it´s not only Dies POV now,but Shinyas too...but it is not confusing^^I promise<3
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Bathed in sweat I woke up. My heartbeat was as ridicolously fast as my breathing was. I was trembling, too.
My eyes felt sore....had I been crying in my sleep again?
~ gosh....how much I hate this....~
I tried to calm down. I had had one of my nightmares again. After 3 days of absolutely no sleep I had been able to fall asleep at least....but the price had been high.... I looked at the sleeping figure next to me. Shinya mumbled something in his sleep...too cute...
I stood up as quietly as I could, walked over to the door and left for the living room.
After a few moments I found what I had been looking for...my cigarettes.
In any other case I wouldn´t have dared to smoke within my and Shinyas apartment, but at the moment I didn´t care about Shinya and his aversion to cigarettes.
I sat on the couch, inhaling deeply. I knew that I had to do something about this....
~you´re to scared to do something...you know what happend the last time....you cannot do that to Shinya~
Shinya.....I didn´t even dare to think about how Shinya would react if he would find out. It wasn´t that I thought that Shinya would reject me or leave me then or anything....I was just scared of the look in Shinyas eyes. From the very beginning I had been loving Shinyas eyes the most. So dark brown and full of mysteries.
~gosh...how much I love him....and still I never told him...I am such an asshole...~
A single tear found its way down my left cheek. I wiped it away quickly.
~get a grip! As if he would be telling you anything!.....But does he have a secret like that?~
I laid down on the small couch, lighting another cigarette. I had had these thoughts for about a thousand times the last few weeks. It was driving me insane that I wasn´t able to stop it....
„You start to scare me, Die..“
I sat up on the couch, turning my head to see Shinya standing in the frame of our bedroom door. He wore one of my Tshirts and boxers. Why Shinya preferred sleeping in my clothes than in his own was still a mystery to me.
„What?....Why?...“ I stumbled confused.
„You aren´t acting like yourself. Not at all. You are smoking in our apartment.....You don´t sleep....You don´t eat...You don´t play your guitar if it is not for practise or a live. You don´t even want sex anymore.“
Shinya walked over and sat next to me on the couch.
„And I found something in your cupboard Die....I was searching for a pair of socks you know....I didn´t mean to snoop around....“
He looked at me. His facial expression was unreadable.
I guess my face was easy to read though. It probably showed pure horror...
~No..please...he couldn´t have found it...please god no....~
Shinya was still looking at me. I felt tears building up. Neither did I know what to say nor to do. So I just sat there....waiting for Shinya to do something.
„Why do you have a syringe in your cupboard Die?“ Shinyas voice was trembling lighty.
„As if you wouldn´t know the anwser..“ I whispered. Was it all over now?
„So you are really a fixer? Or were? I never saw any....“
„I was one Shinya...and that was a long time ago...“
„Are you going to tell me why you did drugs?“ although his voice was steady now, tears had started to fall from Shinyas beautiful eyes.
I breathed heavily. It broke my heart to see Shinya crying. Especially because I caused it.
Slowly I started explaining. I owed him that much.
„Well....there are some parts about my past that you don´t know....that noone knows....except my mother and the doctors in the treatment centre...I started taking drugs with...I dunno....thirteen maybe.....was hospitalized quite alot in my early life....not one of them asked what happened...they didn´t care I think....just as my mother....“ My voice broke. I stared into space, crying silently.
Shinya leaned over and embraced me. He was crying too. He started to stroke my hair. To calm me I guess.
„Why have you been hospitalized?“ he asked softly.
I stood up abruptly, wiping away my tears.
„´Cause ....because...nothing Shinya...it is not important. It was a long time ago. I don´t want to talk about this. Please...I am begging you...forget about it...you don´t have to be scared....I am not taking drugs anymore...no need to be upset.“ I tried to smile. It was not my best attempt to do so.
Shinya sighed. He knew that it was hard to make me to talk since I was incredibly stubborn, but this time was different. This topic....whatever it was about was really bothering me. And he knew that. So he wouldn´t give up. He would ask again.
„Of course I am upset. I love you, you idiot . But I am not going to force you to tell me anything. If you want me to know, you´ll tell me.“
~thanks Shinya....now I am feeling like the number one asshole of the world...~
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end of chapter 2
