Happy?
You know, people say you can't be happy with a love that doesn't get returned. I say, you can.
I know he'd never love me back, there are a couple of reasons why I know that, but most of all... he's Toshiya, he can have anyone, so why would he want to have me?
Compared to the others, I'm nothing. Walking crap maybe, but probably even less...
See, there's Shinya...with that girlish face and his legs like a super model, his quiet and understanding personality...
And Die... where should i start? That man is simply gorgeous, a smile to kill for, he's outgoing, always friendly and good-tempered, he's such a loyal and caring person.... very sensitive inside, though he'd never admit that.
And Kaoru... well, he's simply perfect. Talented, with that handsome face and how well he gets along with every kind of people.
So now, compare them to me...
My body is way too small, my face looks all round like an 8-year old, I even failed in playing any instrument. Maybe my voice is not that bad after all, but... there is my very bad temper. I mean, I can't help, having to stand up at eight o' clock because of that stupid interview pisses me off!
It's not like I'd really have that much to say, anyway.
Why would Toshiya, probably the most beautiful creature in the world, even think about wasting his time with someone like me?
I wouldn't, if I were him. Unfortunately I'm not. I don't change, my face is as ugly as it was the day before everytime I watch myself in a mirror.
I've grown to hate that things by now. I don't like the man that's staring back to me, if you can even say 'man'. I still do look like I hadn't even hit puberty yet.
And so...I think I'll never confess to him. I wouldn't have the courage to do so anyway.
Everytime I see him I think about his reaction. Probably he'd just laugh at me. "Stupid little one..." he'd say, in a soothing tone, "Do you expect me to have any feelings for you? I'm sorry Kyo-chan, I simply can't get with somebody like you" Somebody as ugly and untalented as me....sure, why should he....
But all that insecurity and despair doesn't keep me from looking at him. Mostly during the night, when I'd climb out the bed and tiptoe inside his room. He's so gorgeous when he sleeps....
All relaxed and beautiful... I could stand there for hours and simply watch him, imagining how his soft skin would feel beneath my hand, and if his lips do taste as good as they look. This is riddiculous, I know, nobody has to tell me.
I'm obsessed with him, and everything he does. There's not a particular reason for that, but...well...everything he is and the things he does and says are fascinating me. And have been for the last....3 years. Maybe 4.
Frustrating, isn't it?
His lips are parting slightly as he mumbles something in his sleep. I just wish it would be my name. It isn't.
I want to touch him so badly right now... I'm not just after his body, I just...want to feel him around me, his warm, smooth body against mine and his arms around me...
That sounds so sappy, but I can't help it. Maybe...he won't recognise if I'd just climb next to him into the bed...and vanish again before he can wake up...
Whatever encouraged me to do that right now, I don't know, and I don't care. He doesn't wake up. His face is now on an equal level with mine, I can hear his soft breathing. Really...the skin of his cheek is so soft beneath my stroking fingers. I can't stop shaking, this is so surreal...
I'm touching you right now, I love and woreship you with every stroke of my fingers, but you don't even recognize.
You won't know tomorrow. Kinda sad...
Why can't time stop now? Why do i have to go again, and watch you living on, happy as every day while the desire and longing for you inside me shatters my soul to tiny pieces...
But besides that...I can say I'm happy.
You're in my life, and... I love you. I love you even more if you flash me one of those breath-taking grins. It makes my knees go weak and my heart beats so fast everytime you do that...and I can simply do nothing but stare at you in amazement.
I can see the dark fading, the sky is brightening up...time to leave you...
A surpressed sigh on my lips, I take my hand back and make my way out of your bed, ready to go back to my room, lying there until the sun has risen to its full beauty and then hear the sound of you making breakfast...
Quietly I close the door behind me.
Another night has passed, full of unfullfilled wishes, hopes, desires...I'm getting used to it by now.
I treasure what I have, even if it's just your pure presence, nothing more, but nothing less either.
I love you...that won't change...
Maybe some day you'll wake up and recognise, that you have some feelings in return for me. Fat chance, huh?
I'll keep on hoping. Waiting for you. And being happy with what I have...
If just the tears wouldn't show up every morning...that I could really pretend to be happy...
Dark brown eyes popped open in the twilight of a new morning. Silently Toshiya looked at the closed door, where Kyo had just vanished. He knew what the small vocalist felt for him...
But Toshiya just couldn't go and break his heart. So he said nothing...pretending not to know about his feelings and the fact that he watched him at night...during practise...on stage....everywhere.
"I'm so sorry...." He whispered silently to himself, before cuddling under the blankets again, trying to find some more sleep.
