Bakatsuki von Jim (Englische Version) ================================================================================ The Groupproblem ---------------- ~Title: The problem~ ~Category: The Groupproblem~ ~Number: 001~ +Akatsuki stand around a fire in a dark cave.+ Leader: We are meeting here because we have a problem. Itachi: Yeah - we're out of nail polish again! Leader: ... ... that's not what I meant! Our group has a problem. We are too weak to catch the Kyuubi. We need support. Plantguy: Let's just get Orochimaru back... +The next day the corpse of the Plantguy was found swimming in a river. Next to uncountable punches it seems he was strangled with a creeper.+ ################################################################################## ~Titel: Recruiting new members~ ~Category: The Groupproblem~ ~Number: 002~ +Still in the dark cave.+ Leader: What now? The Plantguy is dead, so has anyone another offer? Kisame: We could hire someone over the Internet. Batguy: What? So we'll have nerds running around here? Great idea... Kisame: If they are loosers we have fresh meat at least. Batguy: ... ... Switch the computer on! ################################################################################## ~Title: The new one~ ~Category: The Groupproblem~ ~Number: 003~ +Still in the dark cave.~ Leader: Due to Kisame and the Batguy searching for new recruits, the human population has declined by 294 humans, but this special candidate seems to have potential ... +A man comes out of the shadows. He is wearing a white shirt and ironed trousers. His hair is combed back and his face seems to consist out of pimples. He is wearing a really ugly tie, too.+ Leader: I proudly present - Dilbert! Itachi: Woah! This is BAD! Just his appearance is worse then my Tsukiyomi! Kisame: No shit! Tall Guy: We're lucky he has no tentacles... Dilbert: Hey, du you guys like manga? I like manga! *Holds up Shoujo Manga* *** [Two minutes later] Itachi: That was fast eating, even for Kisame! Leader: Did you see that?! He didn't even chew the limps, he just swallowed them as a whole! ################################################################################## ~Title: Resurrection~ ~Category: The Groupproblem~ ~Number: 004~ +Still in... you already know.+ Leader: Now that Dilbert has left us too we need a new member again. ???: Hold on! Everyone: ...? Plantguy: I have... Deidara: Hey you were dead! I was the one who made the knot to... Plantguy: SHUT THE HELL UP!!! Everyone: ... Plantguy: I was near death ... but then someone appeared who gave me my life back. He is mightier than all of us and he will support our group. Leader: And that's who...? Plantguy: Come out! +A man with brown hair that reaches his shoulders and a full beard comes out of the shadows. Plantguy: May I introduce: Evil Jesus! Evil Jesus: Okay folks, i will channel some fumes in this cave to warm it up and while I'm doing that you should lie down to rest a little... ################################################################################## ~Title: Comparisons~ ~Category: The Groupproblem~ ~Number: 005~ +Itachi, Kisame and Evil Jesus are sitting on a table and everyone is showing off the evil things he has done.+ Kisame: Hey, I am so evil, I slaughtered a whole town of my kinsmen. Didn't spare any women or childen, either. Itachi: I am so evil, I killed my own family and turned my brother's life into a living hell. Evil Jesus: So what? I created Yaoi Fangirls. Itachi and Kisame: ...! Dude... THAT'S evil... ################################################################################## ~Title: Influences~ ~Category: The Groupproblem~ ~Number: 006~ ~Date: 05.12.05~ Kisame: You know, I think we should throw Evil Jesus out again. Itachi: Why? Kisame: He was sitting in front of Sasori's computer the whole week... I think that's bad influence. Itachi: What do you mean? Evil Jesus: u r t3h l00s3! OLOLOLOL! PWNED! ################################################################################## ~Title: Surrender~ ~Category: The Groupproblem~ ~Number: 007~ ~Date: 27.04.06~ Leader: Since we had to kick Jesus out of the team again... Kisame: *BURP* Leader: ... we have the old problem again: our group is too weak. Batguy: Allright, allright, I'm on it... *** [623 inapplicably and eaten candidates later] Leader: You know what? I give up! One Shots --------- ~Title: A new Job~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 001~ Deidara: Hey... where the heck is Kisame...? Itachi: He got a new Job at a Band. They said their front singer died and he sounds just like him... +Kisame walks past them, singing quietly+ Kisame: Denn, du bist, was du isst... +hums+ Es ist mein Teil...* *Note: What Kisame is singing is a song from "Rammstein", called "Mein Teil". It is a german band so I left the text in german too. ################################################################################## ~Title: The appearance is important~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 002~ +Kisame stands in front of a mirror and looks at himself very closely. Kisame [thinking]: Darn... my apperance is just too freaky! I have to show more of my real nature... of a hunter! +Kisame starts to smile over both ears and opens his eyes as much as possible.+ Kisame: Yees... better... a hunter... +Sasori passes by and stops in front of his Teammate.+ Sasori: Kisame, you look like a mentally disturbed walrus. Kisame: The hunter spots his first prey! ################################################################################## ~Title: Carmouflage~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 004~ +Sasori stands in front of a mirror and looks at himself.~ Sasori: My appearance is much too conspicious for a Shinobi - I need a carmouflage that is perfect. ... ... YES! That's it! I will just test this carmouflage on my teammates. It helped one of the biggest spys in history, it can't fail! *** +Kisame and Itachi are sitting around and watching a dented carboard box, which is dragging a artifical tail behind itself, that tries to sneak past them. Sasori [thinking]: *snicker* Sasori - you are a genius! Kisame: Do you wanna smash him or may I...? ################################################################################## ~Title: In the morning~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 004~ +Itachi is sitting on a desk with steaming pot of coffee in front of him. Next to his there is one ready for Kisame. Then Kisame comes, still totally sleepy, to the table.+ Itachi: Good Morning. Kisame: *grmpfmpf* Morning... +Kisame starts to drink all the coffee out of his cup with one pull.+ Itachi: Woah! Watch it Kisame! A coffeeinshock could... +Kisame slams the cup on the desk, stands up and starts to dance.+ Kisame: Life is life... nananana... *sings* Itachi: Bingo! ################################################################################## ~Title: Personalitytest~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 005~ Plantguy: Hey Kisame, check this out! I found a personalitytest in the internet that shows you which Akatsuki member you are most like! Kisame: Show me... +does the test+ ... ...! WAAAAAAAH! +Smashes the PC with Samehada+ Plantguy: What the... Kisame! What's wrong?! What have you seen?! Kisame: Deidara as result! ################################################################################## ~Title: Please...~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 006~ Kisame: Come on... please file down my teeth... they're used off! Itachi: +Waving around with a Hand that has only three fingers left+ Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me! ################################################################################## ~Title: Curses~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 007~ ~Date: 20. Nov. 06~ Hidan: Hmpf... I should use my curse against this damn leader the next time. Leader: *telepathic* If you can stand Montezuma's curse which I will cast upon you then for that. Hidan: Hm... when I think about again... Leader: Smart boy. ################################################################################## ~Title: Secret rendezvous point~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 008~ ~Date: 23. Nov. 06~ +Hidan and Kakuzu are standing in a dirty public toilet. Hidan: Okay... and we are here BECAUSE...? Kakuzu: Like I already told you, I have to bring the corpse of this old sack here to get the money. Hidan: And just WHY did those guys chose the dirtiest toilet in the whole Narutoverse as their hideout? Kakuzu: You always find something to complain about. Hidan: Hey, I mean... two guys in a dirty public toilet, you're carrying a corpse... someone passing by could get the wrong impression, you know? +A secret door opens and a bald guy with thick eyebrows and a slightly deformed face comes out.+ Man: Izmir did wait for you, Izmir need fresh corpse for webstream. Hidan: Okay, I'm SO out of here! Kakuzu: But he pays good. Hidan: I don't want to hear why! ################################################################################## ~Title: Stating the obvious~ ~Category: One Shots~ ~Number: 009~ ~Date: 23. Nov. 06~ +Kakashi faces Itachi.+ Kakashi: You can't fool me. Your eyes... they got worse, right? Itachi (wearing a yellow armlet and holding a white cane): Why do you think so? Who's even talking there? Kisame Vs. Deidara ------------------ ~Title: At McDonalds~ ~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~ ~Number: 001~ +The Akatsuki Members are standing in a row at McDonalds. Kisame is behind Deidara.+ Deidara: One Fish Mac... Kisame: Racistpig. ################################################################################## ~Title: Experiments ~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~ ~Number: 002~ +Kisame and Deidara are sitting on a table. Deidara is making some notes on her writing pad. Kisame takes his Tea and drinks, but just in the moment he swallows he explodes. Deidara: Notice to myself: Disperse explosives in water is possible... ################################################################################## ~Title: Is it really lethal?~ ~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~ ~Number: 003~ +Kisame and Deidara are sitting on a table, each of them has a cup of tee in front of them. Deidara drinks of hers and in the same moment, Sasori comes angry into the room. Sasori: WHO the heck hast stolen my poisinous tailend?! Kisame: Here. +Gives Sasori the tailend back.+ Just borrowed it. Sasori: It's wet... what have you done with it?! Kisame: Stired Deidara's tea with it... Deidara: +snort+ Kisame: Hey, is that poison really lethal...? ################################################################################## ~Title: In the Kindergarden~ ~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~ ~Number: 004~ +Back then in the Kindergarden. Deidara builds a figurine of Sand. Kisame comes by the way and stomps it.+ Kisame: Muahahahahaha... Deidara: Grmpf... +The next day. Deidara builds again a figurine. This time it is even bigger as the day before. Again Kisame comes and stomps it.+ Kisame: Muahahahahaha... Deidara: Grrrrrrr~mpf! +The next day. Deidara builds again a figurine. And again Kisame comes with the will to stomp it, but just as his feet touched the figurine, it explodes.+ Deidara: Tehe... +That was the day Deidara noticed her love for explosives...+ ################################################################################## ~Title: How it was supposed to end~ ~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~ ~Number: 005~ ~Date: 10.11.2006~ +Deidara is sitting on the couch as Kisame passes by+ Kisame: What... Jaws? Deidara. Yeah, great movie! Kisame: Do you know the original ending? Deidara: What original ending? +Kisames bites Deidara's head off without hesitating a second+ Kisame: The one where the shark wins. ################################################################################## ~Title: Sayings~ ~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~ ~Number: 006~ ~Date: 20. Nov. 06~ Deidara: Damn! Who ate my cake?! Kisame: BURP! Deidara: Kisame you mean old dog! Kisame: It begged me to eat him... I felt sorry. Deidara: Bah! Bite me! Itachi: BIG mistake... [One minute later] Tobi: Hey Deidara, where's your arm? Deidara: Don't ask... Outside of Akatsuki ------------------- ~Title: Artist~ ~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~ ~Number: 001~ ~Date: 17. Nov. 06~ Kakashi: "Tell me Sai... did you draw every ANBU member that way?" +Sai looks at the naked Kakashi which is lying in front of him on the sofa+ Sai: "Until I got fired dishonorable..." ################################################################################## ~Title: Sins from the youth~ ~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~ ~Number: 002~ ~Date: 17. Nov. 06~ Naruto: "Say Lee... what happened to your partens?" Lee: "Well, I started to imitate Gai-sensei at a very young age..." NarutO: "Huh? I don't get it..." [Flashback] +Little Lee is sitting in front of a burning house, holding a lighter in his hands+ Lee: "The flame of youth is burning... BURNING!" ################################################################################## ~Title: Qualities~ ~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~ ~Number: 003~ ~Date: 17. Nov. 06~ +Young Orochimaru wants to date a girl, but her father is answering the doorbell+ Father: "And what qualities do you have? What can you give my daughter?" +Orochimaru rolls out his tongue completly+ Father: "Martha! Bring me my shotgun!" ################################################################################## ~Title: Lonely hearts ad~ ~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~ ~Number: 004~ ~Date: 17. Nov. 06~ Text: Are you under age, male, have a nice body and maybe carry a rare bloodline inside your veins? Then contact me for... strength. Cipher >FagSerpent<. Kabuto: Orochimaru-sama... you should maybe think again about this ad. Orochimaru: Why? What's wrong with it? ################################################################################## ~Title: An old joke~ ~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~ ~Number: 005~ ~Date: 21. Nov. 06~ +Gaara is sitting in the sandbox and... AUGH... GAAAAAAAARGH...+ ... +Gaara walks over the pieces of Jim's corpse and looks right into the camera.+ Gaara: This joke is so old and not funny anymore that I won't can't allow another one. ################################################################################## ~Title: Got it?!~ ~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~ ~Number: 006~ ~Date: 21. Nov. 06~ +Sakura and Naruto face Sasuke finally, after years of searching for him.+ Sasuke: Hmpf... I have no feelings left for you. Leave or I will kill you. +Within a heartbeat Saskura stands in front of Sasuke, grabbing his collar.+ Sakura: Listen up, bitch! I have worked my ass off for years, I trained like a moron and I have already ordered everything for the wedding next month. You will come with me or I swear to god I will your sorry ass and this time there is no miracle that will save you! GOT IT?! Sasuke: ... ... ... I want to be a good boy again. ################################################################################## ~Title: Change of strategies~ ~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~ ~Number: 007~ ~Date: 23. Nov. 06~ +Team 7 VS Zabuza+ +Sasuke has just caught the big Shuriken and wants to throw it.+ Zabuza: Ha! I already told you... a Shuriken won't be of any use against me. Sasuke: Okay... +Sasuke pulls out a gun and shoots Zabuza.+ Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)