Split soul   von Gepo
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                        Kapitel 21: Exploring feelings
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Ayako greeted him with a hug. It should have been nice or maybe annoying or
simply just warm – but it actually hurt. It hurt to know that she was hugging
Seijuro´s shadow and not him. Why would anyone wish such a curse upon them?
Emotions were nothing but trouble.
“How are you?,” she asked him.
Fine. Was he fine? It was such a standard answer. He didn´t know. Was he
normal? He suddenly had feelings, that was disconcerting. It was far from fine.
He had just battled Sei and lost. Seijuro was asleep but Akashi had his
feelings. All of that was quite confusing. And on top of that he was pregnant.
“I honestly don´t know.” He looked at Ayako. Did he have feelings for her?
He wasn´t sure. Just looking at her he did not feel different. Was that normal
or not? “I agree that Sei is a vicious bitch.”
“Oh. So you … met her?” Ayako seemed unsure about what to say.
“She tried to take over the body and change my thinking.” Could he say more?
Should he say more? He did not want to look weak in Ayako´s eyes. “She scared
me. I had to promise her to keep the child.”
The Omega lowered her gaze and took his hand. She held it in both of hers. After
a moment she squeezed it and looked up again to say: “No matter it´s history,
it is your baby. It might not feel like it now but if you can´t change anything
anyway, please don´t grow to hate it. You would only hate a part of
yourself.”
“The ones I hate are my father and Sei. They are the parents. I can´t help
but resent this thing.” Yes, disgust. He knew that feeling. It was a deeply
rooted thing that had always been inside him. Resentment, hate, disgust –
those had always been his.
“Sei is a part of your soul. You father is part of your history. This child
will be your future. With all of that hate, you´ll hate yourself the most.”
Ayako was pleading, looking at him with eyes full of fear. It was like Seijuro
was talking to him, telling him that she must be remembering her own daughter.
He could tell her that her desperate pleas drove her daughter to suicide. That
would shut her up.
“I don´t feel unsettled by hating others. I lack too much empathy to even
apply it to myself as well.” He let go of her hands. “I am like a machine, I
can´t feel pain.”
“But Seijuro can.” She stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “He feels
your pain and hate.”
Wrong. This hurt. This hurt a damn lot. Was this jealousy? This white, hot,
burning rage, was this envy? She loved Seijuro, she cared for him with every
cell of her being. Were did that leave him? He scoffed and said: “I don´t
care about him either.”
“You are scaring her,” Kazunari reprimanded him.
“I don´t really care about that either. She´s Seijuro´s girlfriend, not
mine.”
They all looked at him for a moment, some in surprise, some in shock. Natsue
broke into the silence by grabbing his leg and shouting: “Good morning, Mister
Akashi!”
He had a sudden urge to kick her but he didn´t go through with it. She had
nothing to do with all of this. He wasn´t a man that looked for easy outlets
for his anger. He might scare and shock people but he wasn´t known for physical
abuse. Except for a few cases that needed rough handling to accept his dominance
over them. Oh well, maybe he could be called physically abusive. He didn´t need
to hurt Natsue though. He answered with a low voice: “Good morning,
Natsue.”
“Are you still sick?”
He sat on his heels and told her: “Look, it´s really easy to see. When I have
two red eyes, I am in a good mood and like to play with you. When I have one red
and one golden eye, I am in a bad mood and might be dangerous. Can you see the
difference?”
“Yeah.” She took a step back while looking at him. “Can I make it
better?”
“No, it´s not your fault, kid. You don´t have anything to do with my
moods.” He remembered a time when he still thought the occasional violence
their father put them through was his fault. By now he felt ashamed of himself
for ever thinking he might have any power over that monster. “There´s nothing
you can do to change it. Just keep your distance when I have a golden eye, I
don´t want to hurt you. You don´t deserve that, you haven´t done anything
wrong.”
“Okay.” She smiled thinly. “Mama tells me that some people hurt others
because they are in a bad mood, not because you have done anything wrong.”
“Yes, I might do that. It´s a bad thing to do and I know that.” He just
didn´t care most of the time.
“Sometimes I do bad things too. Then mama scolds me,” she wisely answered.
“It´s so that you grow up to be a good woman who doesn´t hurt innocent
people in anger.” He patted her head and stood. “How about some
breakfast?”
She nodded and sat so he could sit beside her. He exchanged a glance with Ayako,
so they could change their seating order. She understood immediately and sat
down beside her daughter. Such a good woman. Such a shame she loved Seijuro and
not him.
They ate mostly in silence. Natsue and Kikyo chattered a bit – of course
Natsue told her friend about his moods and eye colors – with an occasional
comment from an adult but all in all the atmosphere was heavy. He should not
have cared and enjoyed the silence, but he knew it was his fault. Why did he
care about that? Why did he suddenly care what others thought of him? If this
was how Seijuro felt all the time, he didn´t want to be like that.
But he needed Seijuro against Sei. Could he have his powers without having to
feel all this? He didn´t want to feel. It was like gaining a consciousness all
at once. He didn´t want to feel bad for doing bad things. How should he lead a
company like this? It was his job not to feel bad about all those people he
fired or found better substitutes for. He nearly stabbed his eel. It was
delicious and at the same time it felt like sand paper on his tongue.
“You are abnormally bad-tempered today,” Shintaro dared to say.
“Oh really? Some bi-, I mean, nasty women just tried to take over my mind and
erase me. How would you feel about having your personality disintegrate?”
“Is that possible?” The green eyes stared at him. “I thought she would put
you to sleep. Can she actually erase you?”
“She is able to manipulate my thoughts and change Seijuro´s memories, what do
you think?” His whole body felt like a string ready to snap. “Honestly, I
don´t know if Seijuro is asleep. I can suddenly feel things, I could never do
that before. Those are his feelings. What the hell should I think about that? I
don´t know if your best friend is still alive.” He groaned. “I don´t want
to be afraid of my own head.”
“You think she might have forcefully merged you both to make you weaker?”
Shintaro seemed to have shut off his emotions again, his voice was simply
monotonous.
“Seijuro is easier to manipulate, so yes.” It hurt. Why did it hurt so much?
It felt like a knife in his heart.
“Mama, why are you crying?” Natsue asked in fright.
“I´m sorry.” Ayako stood and turned to leave. Akashi was able to glimpse
tears running down her face on both sides. Had it been his fault? Had he made
her cry?
He groaned and buried his head in his hands. With a voice filled with
exhaustion, he said: “I´m sorry. I don´t know what´s happening. I´ve never
been so out of control.”
“What´s going on with mama?” Natsue demanded to know. “Have you made her
cry?” Her black eyes turned on him.
“No, little Natsue, both Mister Akashi and your mom are sad about the same
thing. But it´s hard to understand, even for me. We´ll just have to wait and
be there for them,” Kazunari explained. “Have you finished your breakfast?
We can help them by getting you ready, so your mom doesn´t have to worry.
Kikyo, you too, get your kindergarten bag after doing the dishes.”
Well trained both girls began to bring the dishes into the sink. Akashi took up
his chopsticks with a sigh and finished his rice. Shintaro served him another
cup of tea before Kazunari took the teapot as well. Both men stayed seated in
silence.
Their silence was interrupted by an older women entering the kitchen with a
greeting and a bow. Shintaro stood to bow to her as well. Akashi simply was too
drained to care about social niceties. He recognized her by her voice as
Shintaro´s mother who informed them that his butler had arrived with some
clothes. Akashi mumbled a tired thanks before rising. Shintaro immediately
grabbed his arm to stabilize him and asked: “Are you sure you should go to
work in this state?”
“It may distract me a bit.” He bowed to Misses Midorima. “I am sorry you
have to see me in such a pitiful state.”
“You look like you need rest, Mister Akashi.” She nodded to acknowledge his
belated greeting. “How about a relaxing visit to an Onsen?”
He shook his head and straightened before he said: “Thank you for your
concern.”
“Were should I sent your butler?” She got his subtle hint.
“Please sent him to the guest room opposite our southern bathroom,” Shintaro
answered for him. So he didn´t want to tell his mother he had locked up their
guest. Smart move. Not only would she scold him, she would demand an answer why
he did such a thing. “Let us do the dishes, Akashi.”
“Of course.” He nodded to Misses Midorima and went over to the sink. Doing
some dishes was much more favorable than being the focus of her scrutiny. His
friend joined him, so they spent their time with silent washing and drying.
“Are you sure it´s a good idea to go to work?,” the other man asked after
some time.
“What else am I supposed to do?” Akashi sent him an annoyed glance.
“Rest?”
“Well … no. Just don´t overdo it, okay? Don´t stress yourself out.”
That wasn´t what Shintaro wanted to say. He was right about being a very bad
liar. But Akashi knew him enough to know what wasn´t said: It´s not good for
the baby. Even his best friend knew better not to utter that out loud. If it was
up to the redhead, he would overwork himself as much as possible. But he had
promised to keep a low profile. He shouldn´t endanger that parasite inside
him.
He hated it.
He hated all of it.
He didn´t want to be forced against his will. This was neither persuasion nor
manipulation, this was brute force against his mind, his very being. So this was
how it felt to be held down and threatened with death. This was how it felt to
be in a forced pregnancy. This was exactly how he never wanted to feel, what he
never wanted to experience.
It had felt good to be on the other side of this. It had felt so damn good to
force Tetsu down, play with his mind, make him long for his cock while he knew
it was all his doing. Tetsu never wanted any of it, so it made it all the
sweeter to see him shyly ask to be raped.
It had felt so unbelievably good not to be a victim but the rapist. All that
hatred, all that burning longing, his nearly sickening wish for vengeance – it
had felt so good to let it all out on Tetsu. And now here he was, a broken
thing, beaten down, accepting everything he hated for the sake of survival.
His hands balled into fists. He wanted to beat something, someone down, to cut
someone down with his words, to stop to feel so unbelievably helpless. Longingly
he looked at the knife he was cleaning. He could stab someone and enjoy their
blood on his hands. He could threaten someone and drink their terror.
“Please come find me when you have calmed down,” Shintaro said, put down the
plate he was drying and retreated from the room. He closed the door behind him.
Akashi´s gaze stayed on the knife.
Killing wouldn´t help. He might feel mighty for a second, but it wouldn´t
change anything about the fact that he was helpless. He would not get out of
this. He could give up his body to Sei, he could do her bidding or he could kill
himself. Those were limited options. He held the knife to his stomach, imaging
how it would feel to carve that monstrosity out of his womb. There would be
blood, a lot of blood. Was he able to be faster than Sei? She hadn´t been able
to take him over immediately. Maybe he had enough control to go through with
this.
>Don´t.<
>Seijuro?< Akashi immediately pulled the knife back.
>Yeah … I am here.< He sounded weak. He sounded exhausted. But he was alive.
>Do you know where you have been?<
>I saw some of Sei´s memories.<
>I am sorry to hear.<
>No … it´s okay. I think I understand her better.<
>I really don´t want to understand her.< Akashi knew his voice was full of
disgust.
>It´s the only way.< Seijuro´s voice gained strength and confidence. >She´s a
part of us, one of us. If we don´t talk to her, we´ll always be afraid of
her.<
>You do that then. You try to gain her confidence. Just get her off my back.< He
put the knife down and took up the towel to dry the rest of the dishes.
>I´ll try.< Seijuro seemed to be getting weaker again. >Just go along with her
a bit, okay? Don´t do things to endanger us or her child.<
>I don´t want it.<
>I know.< It sounded like his alter ego had a weak smile on his face. There was
something like indulgence in his voice. >I don´t even know if she really wants
it. But it doesn´t hurt to do your best until I can clear the situation,
right?<
Akashi sighed and nodded, even though his alter ego was in his head, not in the
room.
>Thank you.< Seijuro´s voice was getting farther and farther away. >Give Ayako
a kiss, okay?<
>I will,< Akashi promised. He wanted to call after the other but refrained from
it. It would do no good, it would only sound pathetic.
Seijuro´s presence fainted again. So … he was alive. Maybe. Or maybe it was
just a replica that Sei presented him to manipulate him into not aborting this
child. Akashi closed his eyes. What should he believe in? Was Sei stronger? Was
she able to control their mind? Could she fake a convincing Seijuro? Honestly,
he wanted to believe that Seijuro was alright. He wanted him to live. Even if
they merged at some point, he wanted to know that his alter ego was a part of
him. He wanted to feel him. Had he really missed the guy? And why did he have
feelings if Seijuro was still alright? He wanted to understand this.
“Shintaro?” He opened the kitchen door and look down the hallway.
A moment later his friend looked out from a room he recognized as the bathroom
and asked: “Have you calmed down?”
“Yes, I am. I am sorry that I made you anxious.” He went over.
“Are you really Akashi? It´s normally your alter ego that apologizes.”
“I know. He just gave me a lecture, I think. I hope it was him and not some
fake sent by Sei to keep me in line.”
“You are … a bit paranoid, don´t you think?” Shintaro´s eyebrow
twitched.
“One can never be cautious enough. But I´ll feel better if I trust that
voice, even if that might be my downfall.” He snorted. “I hate to follow
such logic but due to my inability to gain more information, I´ll work with
what I have for now.”
“Yes, that sounds more like you.” Shintaro came out of the bathroom an
walked him to a sliding door down the hallway. “This is the room my mother
will direct your butler to. Please stay here.”
“Thank you. Could you look for Ayako and tell her I´d like to apologize for
my careless words?”
“You … as you wish.” The other man nodded and closed the door behind him.
Was it that much of a surprise if he apologized? It was true, he had never done
so when he had been out for over two years. He had not known that any of his
actions might be worth apologizing for. He hadn´t even known what pain felt
like. Now he felt like he might be able to understand.
His butler appeared and presented him with three different suits and a
collection of shoes. He thanked him and choose a cashmere shawl to go with his
suit. It was one of Seijuro´s favorite items, but he felt like wearing it for
once. He informed his butler of his plans to stay here for a week or two and
asked him to organize clothes and other essentials accordingly. When he saw
Ayako standing in the doorway, he asked his butler to find Shintaro to inquire
about a suitable room to store his clothing. The man left while Ayako stepped in
and closed the door behind her.
“Thank you for coming. I have been on edge this morning and wanted to
apologize for my callous behavior. I had not thought on how I might hurt you
with my words.” He looked into her eyes and hoped his new won feelings might
come with some facial recognition skills. He could discern that she was nervous.
“Seijuro seems to be alive. I had contact for a short moment.”
She visibly relaxed and even smiled at him.
At his body. He knew her smile was directed at Seijuro, not at him. It gave him
the sudden urge to hurt her again, so he said: “He is gone again. I also seem
to have some of his skills, so maybe we merged in some way. I don´t know if
he´ll be the same. He said he is looking at Sei´s memories and tries to talk
to her, so … who knows what will come out of it in the end.”
“I see.” Ayako hung her head but looked mostly resigned. “Do you think I
am guilty this happened? You said I accelerated the process and that Seijuro
wasn´t ready for that.”
Urgh, guilt. That was something he had never understood. Why did people feel
guilty? One couldn´t change the past, it made no sense at all. He tried not to
sound annoyed: “In the end the guilty one is our father. None of this would
have happened if not for him. It´s him I hate, you are merely … someone
caught in the crossfire.” She looked so small and fragile, his heart ached
anyway. What should he do about that? “Seijuro asked me to give you a kiss
from him before his voice faded again. I don´t think he sees you as someone to
blame.”
“Really?” She smiled in relief. That smile seemed to melt away all of the
tension that held her up before. “Thank you so much. I felt so bad, you even
warned me-”
“It´s not your fault.” His heart beat faster, he felt like sweating.
“Would you like to have your kiss?”
“Err, well … how about a date instead?” Ayako`s smile turned unsure but
she stepped nearer. “I´d like to get to know you as well. In the end, I´ll
live with all of you if this ever works out.”
“You want to get to know me?” Akashi blinked once.
“You are an important personality, aren´t you?” She smiled up at him, a bit
more honestly this time. “I asked Kazunari if I might sleep here again as
well. He said it´s okay. So we could have dinner together if you´d like.”
“I would like that very much.” He tried a smile but feared it might be
mangled.
No matter how it looked, her answering smile seemed sincere.

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