The Lonely Seesaw   von MakikoIgami
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                                  Kapitel 1: 
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Title: The lonely seesaw
Author: Makiko Igami (makikoigami@yahoo.de)
Pairing: Taichi/Yamato/Sora
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, sap, Songfic to the Teen-Age Wolves "Hitroibocchi no
shiiso",translation at the end of the story
Disclaimer: Tai and Matt? Mine? Oh gods... How I wished they were! But... if I
owned Digimon... I'm not sure I would have done much different, but I would have
DEFINITELY cut out the fact that Matt and Sora got together! >_<
Summary: Set one year after Matt's Christmas concert in 02. Tai has helped Sora
and Matt to be together... but is that really what he wants? Does he really want
to be the odd one out?
Notes&Comments: I haven't written something for Digimon for a long time... And
it was really a pain in the ass to really start it. ^^;; I'll dedicate this
story to both Layann and CuteKagami who are just as much in a Taito-frenzy as I.
^^;;

~Lyrics~
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Sora smiled a little insecurely as she and Yamato reached the threshold of her
home. They had spent a very nice Sunday at the cinema, watching a beautiful
movie and she was happy to have such a caring boyfriend as Yamato. They had been
together for almost a year now and the days were closing in on Christmas. One
year. Already. And still there was this awkward feeling between them because of
Taichi.

Neither of the pair ever spoke about their feelings towards the boy with the
hair that was bigger than his head, but they both knew that the other was
thinking about him almost every second they were together, no matter how much
they tried not to let it show. The moments when they were only thinking about
each other were rare.

"Arigatou," Sora said as she turned around to face her boyfriend. "It... was a
nice date."

"Aa," Yamato answered and favored the girl with one of his soft smiles that
could make hearts melt.

"Anou..."

"Well..."

The pair stared to the ground, both slightly embarrassed about their inability
to say something appropriate in this situation. Sora was the first to laugh
sheepishly before she looked up into the blue eyes of her lover. Looking at each
other for a moment Yamato suddenly realized what he was supposed to do.
Carefully he cupped the girl's cheek and leaned in a bit, gently kissing her on
the lips.

Eyes snapping open, Sora had to restrain herself from gasping. But then she
relaxed and closed her eyes shut again, shyly returning the kiss. One may not
have believed it, but this was indeed their first kiss, sweet and innocent, just
lips on lips but it was what she had longed for.

When they broke the kiss, their cheeks were slightly red and her eyes sparkled
with joy while his showed only interest in her reaction. Thus it made her frown
in confusion.

"Yamato... Daijoubu ka?"

"Hn... Daijoubu."

But she could see clearly that he wasn't alright. Something was wrong, had
always been and something told her that it was the same thing that had always
alienated them. She didn't mention it though. Instead she smiled once more,
turning to face the door.

"I... See you tomorrow."

"Aa." Another heart-melting half-smile. "Oyasumi nasai."

"Hai. Oyasumi nasai."

Yamato watched how Sora reluctantly unlocked the door to her apartment to leave
him standing outside in the cold, but somehow it didn't touch him much, just
like the kiss hadn't touched him more than reading it in a romance novel. He
waited dutifully until she had disappeared behind the door, hearing Mrs.
Takenouchi welcome her daughter back home. As he turned around he could almost
see them talking about the movie they had watched, the Smalltalk they had shared
and most definitely the kiss. But he was troubled by other things.

"Mother... I fear that Matt's heart lies with someone else..."

~ Fuyu no sanpomichi
Ate na do nanimonai mama de arukou
Tsumetai aozora ryoute wa poketto
Kokoro de korogaru ishikoro ~

It was cold, freezing cold outside. Yamato half-wished that Sora was back with
him because she was warming at least his arm when she held on to him, but thus
he only had his jacket and his muffler to keep himself warm. Not much, but he
had worn less in colder weather than that... all those years ago. Something
without sleeves is not enough to keep you warm in a snowstorm, even if you had
gloves. Today he had his hands tucked deeply into the pockets and the muffler
wound around his ears and mouth so that he only had a small cleft to watch where
he was walking.

Without him really controlling it Yamato's steps had led him to the park where
he used to play when he was a little child. There was a large playground with
lots of stuff and jungle gyms, swings, a large slide and a great seesaw. On each
side of it was enough space for at least two kids to sit and in the middle was
also a little platform for more kids to sit or stand.

He clearly remembered the time when he and Takeru had build a little castle
right in the middle of the platform. After that he and Tai had counted how many
times they had to go up and down until the castle - or rather the sand it was
made of - started to fall off the seesaw. The quickest they managed was two
times... with VERY forceful swings.

A little smile crept up Yamato's face as he looked at the playground from where
he had stopped at the entrance while he thought back to those times. Right
before his inner eye he saw almost his entire past, at least the part that
involved his friends. Their adventures in the real world but even more those in
the digital world; the bond that was created between them there would never
break, that much was sure.

~ Kimi no yasashisa ga massugusugite
Sukoshi dake tsurai yo ~

The thought of his friends soon led him to Sora... and then Taichi. He knew that
Tai had been in love with Sora for... well, forever and for a long time it had
seemed as if she returned these feelings. But then, that one fateful day, she
had admitted her feelings to Yamato. The boy in question bet it was just twice
as hard for Sora to talk to him because she had just met Taichi. But later
Yamato found out that something incredible had happened. At least it was
incredible to him. The boy who he had always thought of as a stubborn thickhead
had overcome himself and had pushed the girl forward into the arms of his best
friend. It was still a riddle to Yamato why.

He had tried to talk to him about that, but whenever he did, Tai had laughed it
off and quickly changed the topic, talking about the new digidestined and their
digimon and how he planned on making the world a better place for both digimon
and humans. He always talked so fast and told Yamato so much that the taller boy
always forgot what he wanted to say for the instance it took Tai to haul him
into his imagination. Only when they parted afterwards it was that the blond
recalled what he had met his best friend for.

There was something that troubled Tai, and Yamato as his best friend was the one
to find out although he usually didn't like to get involved with other people's
feelings. Especially not with somebody who could be as stupid as the leader of
the digidestined. But then again... Tai had proven more than once that he wasn't
the stupid thickhead he seemed to be most of the time. He was a good tactician,
cared about each and every member of his team and knew how to coax the best out
of them. He just did something when Matt still pondered about the reasons
sometimes. Where Tai stormed forward it was usually Matt who held him back, even
though he could be quite a thickhead himself when it came to the people he
loved.

~ Sunao ni narenai
Sunaosa nanka jya
Kotaeru shikaku mo nai ne ~

He knew he could be a pain the ass when he was like that, only caring about a
bunch of people and not the greater good for the whole world. This had led to
strange mood swings more than once, making him almost break up with his friends,
even though he wished nothing more than to be with them. He recalled exactly how
it felt, although he was a lot different now, more balanced and not as out of
scale as back then when they first went to the digital world. Somehow it had
always been Tai that was the trigger for his mood swings. The dark-haired boy
possessed something that always managed to drive Yamato wild or made him adore
the smaller soccer player. Those two feelings lay closely together when you were
thinking about Taichi Yagami.

And jealousy; about how he seemed to get along with people, have control over
everything, how he seemed to find a solution for everything when others would
have become desperate and given up. But during the time they had been in the
digital world, the hothead had learned not to run against any wall in his way
when there was a door just a few steps to the side. He had become more
considerate of other people's feelings and thus he had developed a great
kindness. So much that he sometimes managed to hurt himself with it.

"Idiot... If you didn't want me and Sora to be together you should have said so
from the start," Yamato murmured as he stared at his boots. He sighed deeply and
looked up again, scanning the empty playground for some old memories.

But then he noticed that he was not the only one who had sought this place to
think.

~ Hitoribocchi no shiisoo de
Daremo ga dareka ga kuru no wo matteru ~

It was not hard to recognize the person sitting on the right side of the seesaw;
hair that stood in every possible direction, a headband around his head and a
dark coat wrapped around the lithe frame to keep him warm. But something told
Yamato that the other must be cold.

"Tai..."

The whisper left his mouth with a little cloud and the blond boy took a step
forward to get closer to his friend, who seemed to be drawn into his world of
thoughts so much that he didn't notice much of what was going on around him. But
what should be going on at a playground late at night?

Walking over the sand, which was covered with a white frosting, Yamato wondered
why Taichi was sitting here outside, when he could have been at home, or talking
to Izzy...

'Baka Yamato,' he chided himself. 'You could be at home now, too, but where are
you? Here at the playground with him. What a coincidence...'

Stopping right next to the seesaw, the tall blond raised his voice to make
himself known.

"Tai."

~ Boku mo onnaji dakedo ne
Itsudemo hantai mukishite suwatteitterun da ~

You raise your head and I'm alarmed to see the emptiness in your eyes. But after
you blinked and recognized me the fire in your eyes returns and you grin at me.
The same grin that always makes me smile softly. You wipe your eyes before you
start to talk. Why?

"Hey, Yamato! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on a date with Sora?"
you ask, your tone light and happy-go-lucky, just as you always are. Is this
just a mask or is this yourself?

"I was. Am on my way home," I answer you with a sigh, although I do not know why
I am sighing. "But why are you here? Shouldn't you be... at home?" I ask with a
slight grin and am delighted to see you chuckle softly at my lame attempt of
humor.

"I needed to think. Couldn't do that with my mom trying to get me to eat and
Kari hanging on the phone all the time," you answer and I wonder what you needed
to think about. I shake my head and move to sit at the other side of the seesaw,
looking at you.

"What did you have to think about?" I ask, trying not to sound too nosy,
although I really want to know what's going on in your mind. Have you been
thinking about.... me? Perhaps?

"Everything and nothing... Life in general... the usual stuff, you know," you
say, staring at a star in the sky I cannot see from where I sit across from you.
I want to inquire further, try to coax more out of you, but you change the
subject quickly. "How was your date?"

"Oh, it was fun," I answer and tell you about the movie Sora and I had seen,
with you asking things I would have liked discussed earlier, but my girlfriend
was not really interested in. We laugh at the stupidity of the main character
and discuss whether it was a good movie or not. I'm not sure if you have already
seen it, but you sure know a lot about it. Maybe you read the story
somewhere...

"I am glad you and Sora have so much fun together," you murmur after a time of
silence during which I was trying to find another aspect of the movie I haven't
mentioned yet. Surprised I look at you, puzzled by the comment. Did I just hear
a hint of pain in your voice? Or was this just my imagination?

~ Itsumo omotterudoori no
Kotoba ienakuteita kedo ~

"Tai... why did you... why?" I stammer, not really able to express what I am
thinking anymore. And I hope that you understand my helpless stammering...

"Why did I... what?" you say, feigning not to know what I meant. I almost growl
at you because of my frustration. We have had this discussion so often by now.

"Why did you... push Sora towards me? You know... that Christmas... back then...
at the concert. Why did you want us to be together? I thought you were in love
with her! I know this is a good reason to push her towards the one she loves,
but... Tai. You are hurt. Sora sees it and is worried, but she's too nice to
mention it to me, but... I see it, too. Why won't you talk to me about it?"

You stay quiet for some time, your fists clenching as you stare at the ground
before you. I've probably been too forward with this, but... it needed to be
said. And if you're going to change the subject again now, I am going to hit
you. Hard. And I don't care how your reaction will affect my future career.

"I... She... you deserve her. She deserves you. She loves you," you stammer. I
can see how you try to force your feelings into words and how you almost break
on it. "I wanted her to be happy... I wanted YOU to be happy... You... you
two... you two deserve to be happy."

~ Murishite miru koto ~

"But, Tai, you deserve to be happy too!" I protest. "And it is obvious you are
not!"

"I am!" you snap. "I am happy that you two are happy! I could never be
happier!"

"But WE are not!" I almost bark. "How can we be happy when our best friend has a
broken heart?"

You stare at me, eyes going very wide in surprise for a moment and then you
start to laugh. You still don't want to see it.

"Hey Yama, that one was good! Hahaha... Me and a broken heart because you and
Sora are in love? Really... your jokes tonight are getting better and better,"
you say, still laughing, but it sounds wrong to me. This is not the cheerful
laughter you usually possess, this one's dark and bitter, like you are making
fun of yourself and it hurts me to see you like that.

"Tai..."

"No, my heart's not broken. How can it be? I don't even know what love is, I'm
much too young to know about such stuff!" Another bitter laugh. "I'm a stupid
teenager who doesn't know what he wants. I want Sora to be happy, I want YOU to
be happy, even if I'm the odd one out."

"Why?" I ask quietly, knowing that if I didn't do it, that you would have ranted
on, making fun of yourself. But you shouldn't think so lowly of yourself... you
are the strong one, the one I've always admired for his ability to move on and
smile openly no matter what happened. But obviously there was something that you
couldn't make go away with a smile.

"You still haven't noticed? And you were the one who called me dense!" You sound
so bitter and sad, it makes my heart wrench. But your eyes are on fire as you
stare at me, piercing with your intense dark eyes. "Because I love you! You and
Sora! You are the most precious people in my life and I would give everything to
see you happy, even my own life!"

Now it's my turn to stare at you in wide-eyed shock. You were the last person
I'd picture saying something like this. Hell, this sounds more like a song-text
I would write!

"Tai..." I start, but am not able to continue as I am still much too surprised.

You cast your eyes down again, bitterness dripping from your voice as you start
to talk again. "Yeah... go on. Make fun of me. I've given you each and every
reason to do so. Call me idiot, moron or I-don't-know-what..."

~ Yappari kimeta yo ~

But I say nothing. I just look at you, how you sit there on the other side of
the seesaw, every muscle in your body tense, staring at the ground, your fingers
clenched into the fabric of your trousers, shoulders drawn up. You look like you
are going to cry any moment now.

And this is the moment where I realize what you really wanted to say. What you
really wanted all this time. What I didn't see because I didn't notice it. All
these little signs you have been giving me that I probably returned without me
noticing it, all this meant just one thing. You were not only in love with Sora,
but with me, too. And I... I think...

"Hey, have I shocked you to death or did the cold freeze your tongue?" you ask,
with this tiny flicker of hope shining through all the bitterness and hurt
that's swinging in your voice.

Blinking I shake my head and stand up slowly.

~ Waratte kuretemo ii sa ~

"Hey... Hey Yama! What are you doing?" Now I hear despair in your voice. I think
if I left you now... you would be broken... and nothing could mend your broken
heart anymore. And if that wasn't enough I can almost hear your heart breaking
with every step I take.

Your gaze follows my every step; your eyes become a little wider as I approach
you on the other side of the seesaw. My eyes search yours and unconsciously I
lean down further to get closer to you, my hand rising on its own accord so that
my fingers can touch your cheek. It's as cold as ice and you flinch a bit as my
warmth radiates towards you. Funny... usually it's the other way round.

"Yama... wha..."

For the second time this day I manage to startle someone with a kiss. But this
one I want. I do not force myself to do this. I want to kiss you, just because
you are you and I am I. My hand moves forward, fingers moving into your hair
that's so unbelievably soft although it defies the law of gravity. I feel you
choke back a sob before you kiss back, pressing your lips almost desperately to
mine and it makes me smile. I wasn't sure you really meant this when you said
you love me and Sora, but now I can see it clearly: This is what you wanted. And
the fact that I wanted it, too just makes it sweeter.

~ Hitoribocchi no shiisoo de
Sabishikunai furi shinagara matteta ~

After a while I break the kiss and search your eyes for... something...
anything. But they are closed and so there's not much I can see in them. What I
see though are the tears that have streamed down your face. I start to worry
that I hurt you more than you already did yourself, but when you open your eyes
I see them smiling at me, making me suck in some air because you look so
beautiful.

"Tai..."

Something is cooling my own cheeks and I blink to get my blurry vision clear.
Why am I crying? I... I am happy! I am happy that I finally found what I was
searching for! So why am I crying?

~ Kimi ga suwattekuretara
Kimochi ga tsuriau
Egao ni nareru to omou yo ~

"Yama..."

You smile so brightly as you bring your cold hand up to my face, wiping those
hot tears away. It finds its place on my cheek and you pull me down gently to
sit next to you.

"Tai, I..." I begin, but you shake your head.

"No. Don't say anything."

"But..."

"No."

Still smiling you stand up, looking at me with this knowing look, like you know
the bottom of my heart better than I do. You usually do, but sometimes it really
annoys me. Why don't you talk to me about it? Don't I deserve to hear your
thoughts?

For a moment you stare at me like you don't know what you should do now, but
there is still this smile on your face. Carefully you lean forward and wrap your
arms around me, hugging me gently. I can feel your heart beat against my chest
through all our clothing and it makes me smile as I hug you back.

"Taichi... I love you... too..." I whisper into your ear, wanting to have it
said before you leave.

You inhale deeply and I imagine how you smile into my hair as you smell my
shampoo, just like I smell yours before you break apart and look into my eyes.
"Thank you."

One more time you lean forward and kiss me on the lips, softly, but too short
for my tastes. Please stay with me... don't go...

"It's late, you should go home," you suggest as you stretch, grinning once more.
"I'll sure go home now. School starts early tomorrow and I don't want to be
late, do you?"

I shake my head and glance up at you, stating matter-of-factly, "You're going to
be late anyways."

"Yeah, but only so everybody notices my entrance," you grin and offer your hand
for me to take and stand up finally. As I stand close to you, your voice drops a
bit so that it sounds a bit huskily, "especially you, my Yama-chan."

My cheeks heat up at this comment and I wonder if I didn't make a mistake laying
my feelings so bare before you. But you opened your heart to me and only
deserved my honesty in return... and I honestly don't regret what I have done.

We walk together until we leave the park and then we part to go to our
respective homes, without any more kisses shared. I'm not sure though whether I
am happy or not about that. I want to be with you, want you close to me, but I
also understand we shouldn't rush things...

Dammit, it's 2am and I am still lying here in my bed staring at the ceiling
thinking of you! I should really sleep... It'll make the time shorter before I
get to see you again...

Determinedly I close my eyes and try to get to sleep, but your smiling face
wouldn't leave my inner vision... So I fall asleep still thinking of you.

~ Hitoribocchi no shiisoo de
Daremo ga dareka ga kuru no wo matteru ~

The next day at school everything was as it used to be. Yamato came right on
time and greeted his girlfriend with a little secretive kiss that made her blush
furiously and chide him for breaking the school rules. Taichi was late as usual,
but he burst into the classroom only a few steps after the teacher and greeted
everyone with a broad grin and Yamato with a little wink that made even Sora
smile. Yamato had told her he wanted to talk to her later about something
important, but even though it should have made her worry she felt good as he
seemed to be in a very good mood.

In fact the dark cloud that seemed to hover over them since they had gotten
together felt like it was gone for good. She didn't know what had happened after
Yamato had left her the night before, but it seemed to have made things better.
And even Tai seemed to feel it, his smile wasn't as forced as it used to be.

'Maybe we can work this out...' she thought and smiled to herself before she
concentrated on the lesson.

~ Kimi ni aitai kimochi ga Mafuyu no aozora mitai ni Kokoro ni hirogatta ~

"Tai! Tai!! Hey, Taichi! Over here!" Yamato shouted and waved to direct the
slightly lost-looking boy over to the spot he and Sora had found to eat their
lunch. The girl stared at him slightly surprised, but only smiled as she saw how
the other boy's face lightened up at this invitation. He ran over to them and
flopped down on a chair he pulled up from next to them.

"Hey Yama, Sora."

"Hello Tai."

"Thank you for inviting me over to eat with you."

"Anytime." Yamato said and offered some of his bento to Tai, whose eyes got
bigger and rounder at the delicious sight.

"Tai, you're always welcome with us," the girl smiled as she looked at the pair,
noting there was a slight change in their relationship.

The smaller one blinked and gulped as he looked at her. "...Really?"

Sora didn't even hesitate for a heartbeat before she nodded. "Really."

Only Yamato could see how Tai's eyes started to shimmer with tears of happiness,
as he started to eat his lunch to cover it up. Even if Sora didn't realize it,
she had managed to mend a very large part of Tai's heart with her last comment,
waving away the last bit of awkwardness that lay upon them.

Maybe they were able to live happily ever after this.

Owari
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The lonely Seesaw

During winter, down the path
I'll walk on as with no expectations
The cold blue sky above, both my hands in my pockets
Stumbling over the pebbles in my heart

Your kindness is much too deep
Enough that it's a little painful

I can't be honest with my feelings
So I also have no right
To answer honesty, do I?

All alone on a see-saw
Everyone waits for someone else to come
Though I'm just the same as them
Sitting on the other side

Never being able to say exactly what I thought
That was how it used to be, but...

It's something where you push yourself to the limit
I've decided after all
So smile for me

All alone on a see-saw
Pretending not to be lonely as I waited
If you would come and sit as well
Our feelings would be the same
And I think, become a smile

All alone on a see-saw
Everyone waits for someone else to come
My feelings of wanting to see you
Like the blue sky of midwinter
Spread out within my heart

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