Mass Effect: Eurydice   von Bint-Lilith
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                        Kapitel 1: Weaving the Tragedy
                        ------------------------------


The Illusive Man had said he was stationed on Horizon. Nevertheless Eurydice
Shepard had not seen him anywhere yet. Anxious she clenched her fists and
searched the place with her eyes. He was ought to be there somewhere. 
They had defeated the enemies including the Praetorian. But the Collectors had
already taken so many of the colonists with them. It couldn't be...? The thought
of him being taken away horrified her to no measure. She was on the verge of
following the Collector ship.
“No! Don't let them get away!“, one of the survivors shouted at the
departing Collectors. He was a mechanic. 
Eurydice swallowed before answering. “There's nothing we can do. They're
gone.“
“But half the colony's in there! They took them. You've got to do
something!“, the mechaninc flourished his hands angrily.
“Do you think I wanted it to end this way, for fuck's sake? I died what I
could“, she replied angrily. She was exhausted and agonized by the possibility
that they had taken Kaidan with them, as well. They had defeated those monsters
and yet that damn mechanic was reproaching her. 
“More than most, Shepard“, Garrus tossed in. He must have noticed her anger.

“Shepard?“, the mechanic turned to her. “I know that name. I know who you
are. You're some type of big Alliance hero.“
“Commander Shepard.“, he said emerging from behind some crates. “Captain
of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.“ There he
was. Unharmed. Dressed in the black Alliance armor. Looking good as ever.
Eurydice felt incredibly relieved. She felt her heart pounding and  some kind of
dizziness at his sight. She was fighting to suppress the urge of running up to
him and fling her arms around his neck. Not in front of her squad. She was the
Commander. She was ought to keep her countenance. And perhaps he didn't even
feel like she did anymore.
“You're in the presence of a legend, Delan.“, he said to the mechaning.
“And a ghost...“
Delan clicked his tongue and crossed his arms. “Figures. All the good people
we lost and you got left behind.“
Eurydice thanked god he got left behind. It was selfish. But she would abandon
anyone for his sake. She had first realized this back on Virmire. “Screw this.
I'm done with you Alliance types“, the mechanic gestured contemptuously in her
direction and left.
Kaidan approached her and looked into her eyes for some moments. She could not
control her body from trembling. Then he embraced her. Suddenly all the weight
fell off her shoulders when she too put her arms around him. She pressed him
against her body and took in a deep breath. His smell. This was real. For the
first time since she was awakened she felt alive again. 
“I thought you were dead, Shepard.“, hearing his voice right beside her ear
gave her goosebumps. She wished this moment to never end. “We all did.“
After a while he freed himself from the embrace which Eurydice pitied.
“It's been too long, Kaidan“, she said trying to stay focused. It was hard
not to palm his face and press her lips against his. “How've you been?“
“Is that all you have to say? 'How've you been?'“, he said huffing
scornfully. “Two years. Two years I've lived with the feeling I was
responsible for your death. Since then I've been blaming myself each day and
I've been asking myself how could I let you go? Can you imagine how it is to
live like that? And now you show up and act like nothing happened. I thought we
had something, Shepard. Something real.“ His look was angry and taunting. Sure
he must had hell of a lot of questions. Yet she felt irritated. “I loved
you“, he continued.
He said he loved her. Her mind went blank for a moment. Nobody had ever told her
that he loved her. But he had used a past form of the verb. “The certainty of
your death tore me apart. And now you're here. Alive. How could you do this to
me? How could you not contact me during all this time? I don't know who you are.
I'm not even sure you're Shepard.“
Of course he was angry, she thought. It was comprehensible. Still his tone hurt
her. She did not know how to soothe him. How could she have contacted him
anyway. Just calling him and saying Hey, Kaidan. It's me Shepard. I know it's
been two years and everybody thought I was dead. But, hey, here I am. Alive and
kicking. Fighting those goddamn collectors. Wanna join?
“I was dead, Kaidan“, she looked at him angry, as well. “It's not like I
spent two years screwing around. I'm back again for a few months. I spent the
last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me.“ 
Kaidan's eyes began filling with disdain. What did she say wrong? He stepped
away from her.
“You're with Cerberus now.“ It was not a question. It was like a sudden
realization. His face was incredulous. “Garrus, too. I can't believe the
reports were right.“
“Reports? You mean you already knew?“, Garrus replied. Yes, Garrus was
right. Kaidan could have contacted her, too. But he hadn't.
“Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing colonies. I got a
tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stone-walled me.
There were rumours that you weren't dead. That you were working for the
enemy.“
““I'm not with them. It was not my choice that they rebuilt me. Cerberus and
I want the same thing. To save our colonies. “ Goddamn it. She and her squad
had just cleaned the place from those goddamn collectors and here he was
accusing her of working with the enemy? “That doesn't mean I answer to
them.“
“Do you really believe that? Do you really want me to believe that?“ He spat
out and fiercely approached her again. Yet she realized he was  beyond reach.
“Or is that what Ceberus wants you to think? When the rumours of you being
alive emerged I was filled with hope again. I wanted to believe that you were
alive. That Shepard is back. But I never expected anything like this. You turned
your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed
me.“
“Kaidan, you know me“, how could he actually say that? Calling her a
traitor. She could not believe it. “You know I'd only do this for the right
reason. You saw it yourself. The collectors are targeting human colonies and
they're working with the reapers.“
“I wanna believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus.“
'Then trust me', she thought but didn't speak it out loud. 'After all we've been
through. How could you not trust me? Have you forgotten?'
“They could be using the threat of a reaper to manipulate you. What if they're
behind it. What if they're working with the collectors?“
“Typical alliance attitude.“, Jacob threw in into the conversation
initially. “You're so hung up on Cerberus that you can't see the real
threat“
'No, Jacob. Stop. You're making it worse. Shut up', she thought. Jacob had a
point though. 
“Your feelings for Cerberus are hindering you to look at the facts soberly“,
she tried to be logical. To calm him down. To make him reconsider.
“Maybe“, he replied. She started hoping again. “Or maybe you feel like you
owe Cerberus something because they saved you.“ Didn't he feel happy they
saved her, at all? Did he wish for her to be dead? “Maybe you're the one who's
not thinking straight. You've changed.“
“Yes. You did too“, she whispered. 
“Unlike you I still know where my loyalties lie,“ he had lost all respect
for her. She could see it in his eyes. They were looking at her with mere
disregard and loathing. “I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to
report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or
not.“
'No. No, no, no. That's not how it's supposed to be. No. Kaidan. I was so eager
to finally see you again.'
“I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan.“, She knew it was utterly
in vain. But she was so desperate when he turned his back on her. Softly she
smiled at him, creasing the brows with despair. “It'd be just like old
times...“
“No it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus“, The corners of his mouth
twisted down. He paused a moment and his face went blank again. “Goodbye,
Shepard. And be careful.“ 
She felt sick to her stomach. Almost nauseated. Her ears started ringing and she
felt tears dwelling in her eyes. “Joker. Send down a shuttle to pick us up.
I've had enough of this colony.“ She needed to leave. Immediately. She didn't
want her squad seeing her devastation. She was furious. Shattered. She wished
she had never been brought back to life. Fuck Cerberus. Fuck the collectors.
Fuck the reapers. Fuck Kaidan. Fuck.

                                                                         
                        *** 

Back on the shuttle she still couldn't realize what just had happened. The
person she thought she loved had abandoned her. He just had turned his back on
her like they were nothing. Like everything they had experienced was nothing.
Saren. Sovereign. Hell, she let Ashley die for his sake. Did he even deserve
being rescued back then? She cringed at her own thought. That was a terrible
thing to think. Even now she would have chosen him. She still loved him.
Although he hurt her that much. In fact it had been the reason his words had
hurt her. Because of the feelings she was bearing for him. But now he's gone.
Turned her back on her. Called her a traitor. And threatened to report to the
council. Was she really a traitor? She could not stop feeling like he was the
actual traitor here. 
“You bastard...“, she mumbled.
“I guess he is“, Garrus replied.
Eurydice winced. “Did I just say that out loud?“, she hoped at least Jacob
did not hear. But he seemed rather distracted with his datapad.
“Nevermind, Shepard. He's an idiot to call us traitors. Especially you. And
he's an idiot to let someone like you go.“
What did he mean by that? She guessed he was just comforting her. “I wish
Liara was here. Or maybe Tali. I feel so... lost. Kinda hard to admit but I
guess I need some friends around me to talk. Thank you, Garrus. For being here
with me. For trusting me. For being my friend.“
Garrus looked away. “Yeah. Now stop sulking. Maybe you could focus on that
anger in order to kick the collector's ass even better.“
She chuckled.

When they entered the Normandy several of the crew members would ask her
questions concerning Kaidan. Joker, Kelly Chambers. Eurydice wanted to shout at
them. She tried to be calm though and answer nonchalantly. It was not their
fault. Her anger, her despair, her sadness. She did not want to talk about him.
About the rejection she experienced. She did though. Nobody should see her
weakness. She was the Commander. Strong and determined. Who would follow a
whining lovelorn Commander into a suicide mission?
She went uo to her cabin to be alone and be herself. To indulge herself in her
feelings. Or maybe she could distract herself with some work or some reading.
Upon her desk Kaidan's holo was smiling at her. She clenched her teeth and put
the frame down. Tears of anger filled her eyes. She took a glass and threw it
against the wall while emitting a cry of wrath and despair. Shards of glass
scattering around the place. She sobbed and started picking up the shards again.
When she was finished she looked at the frame lying down. She sighed and put it
up again. “Damn you, Kaidan...“, she said stroking his holo with her
fingertips. “It was good to see you, though. Good to know you're alive. And
even if you're not with me, at least I know you're well.“
She decided to take a shower. The hot water eased her tense body. Still she
could not erase the image of Kaidan looking at her disdainfully. Calling her a
traitor. Telling her he loved her. Seeing the pain. Seeing the anger. He had
said he did not know who she was. She did not know either. Was she Eurydice
Shepard or was she just a clone? These thoughts were accompanying her all along
but she had tried to shut them out. She had tried to be the Commander she used
to be. But now Kaidan had questioned herself and she felt numb to the core. She
could not withhold the feeling she was an empty shell created by Cerberus. That
she was just an object with a fake body and a false soul. She only existed
because they needed her. But why did she have all those memories? Why was she
feeling the way she felt for Kaidan or her crew? Tali, Garrus, Joker, Chakwas
they all had recognized her. Except Tali they were all by her side. They trusted
her, they talked to her, they did not question her. Was it real? What was fake
and what was not? Was this all an illusion? She felt the nausea creeping up with
all these thoughts in her mind. She had to abandon them or else she would lose
her sanity ultimately. As if she was sane, at all. She snorted. But in order to
finish off the Collector's she had to continue like before. The galaxy was
counting on her. How ironic. The galaxy was counting on an undead. She rubbed
her face with her hands. “I need to focus...“
After she finished showering she lay down on her bed. Only now she felt how
exhausted she really was. Her limbs aching. Her head feeling like exploding any
moment. She stared at the ceiling and thought of that night before Ilos. The
night when she slept with Kaidan for the first time. How excited she was because
she knew it was wrong sleeping with a lieutenant. Yet she did not care back
then. They both did not know how long they would manage to survive. So they gave
in to the mutual attraction. She had wished for this night to happen ever since
Eden Prime. And when finally that night had come she was not disappointed. She
felt fulfilled. She felt it was right. Finally something felt right. And after
defeating Saren everything was perfect. The whole crew knew what was going on
between the two but nobody seemed to judge. It was good. Until the SR-1 was
blown up by the Collectors. Until she had died. Before realizing she had fallen
asleep.


The private message terminal woke her up. She was startled when she looked at
the clock. She had slept for nearly four hours. When she logged in to the
terminal her stomach dropped. The message was titled About Horizon... It was
from Kaidan.

Shepard,


I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back
together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get
over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into
going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing
serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?


Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front
of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us
is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant
everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the
last two years and I can't just put that aside.


But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden
Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you
again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop
these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch
yourself.


When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.


--Kaidan

After finishing the email Eurydice could not help but feeling utterly jealous of
that doctor. It seemed it was the only line she had actually read. She felt
betrayed. Infuriated she decided to visit the main battery. She wanted
consoloation. Distraction. Comfort. And she felt like Garrus was the one who
could give her that. After all he was the only true friend she had left. Maybe
Joker, but she was in no mood for his buoyancy. There was Miranda but she did
not trust her. She barely knew her and Miranda did not even know of Kaidan or
their history. Or so she figured. Come to think of it Miranda most likely knew
the whole story. Still she did not want to talk to her.
Garrus was cool-headed. He was loyal, trustworthy. He would not betray her, she
thought. Lately she also felt kind of attracted to him in a weird way. When they
went to recruit Archangel back on Omega and she had realized it was Garrus all
along she felt extremely happy and when he came back with her on the Normandy
she was grateful. He never doubted her. He never abandoned her. Yes. He was
good.
“Shepard“, Garrus greeted her rather surprised when she entered through the
door to the main battery. “Need me for something?“
“Have you got a minute, Garrus?“, she tried to sound nonchalantly hoping he
would not sense the tension inside of her. 
“Sure,“ he shrugged. “Just killing time anyway. How do you feel?“
She sighed and sat down a few feet away from him. “Could be better, I guess.
But thanks. I just got a mail from Kaidan bragging about some doctor he's
dating.“
Garrus eyed her for a moment. It seemed he had raised his brows. If he had
brows. “I see. And now you came here to distract yourself with the hot badass
turian.“
Eurydice chuckled. “Yeah. That was pretty much my plan,“ He laughed at her
words. “Thank you, Garrus. For going through all this with me. I couldn't do
this job without you.“
His mandibles flared. “Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.“
They started chatting about prior missions and he was talking to her about
turian ships. He was just telling her about a recon scout while Eurydice tried
to picture herself with Garrus. Was it actually possible for turians and humans
to have intercourse? 
“Actually, she and I were the top-ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship.
I had the reach and she had the flexibility“, Garrus carried on but Eurydice
wasn't paying much attention as she was weighing the pros and cons on trying to
hit on him.  
“We, ah, ended up holding a tiebreaker in her quarters. I had reach, but she
had flexibility. More than one way to work of stress, I guess.“
Was he talking about sex? Perhaps this was her chance to make a move on Garrus.
“It sounds like you're carrying some tension. Maybe I could help you get rid
of it.“
“I didn't think you'd feel like sparring, Commander.“, Commander. All of a
sudden Garrus tried to be impersonal. He seemed nervous. 
“What if we skipped right to the tiebreaker? We could test your reach... and
my flexibility.“, Eurydice continued smirking. 
“Oh! I didn't... Huh.“ Garrus stuttered. He was obviously startled by her
move. “Never knew you had a weakness for men with scars. Well, why the hell
not? There's nobody in this galaxy I respect more than you. And if we can figure
out a way to make it work, then... Yeah. Definitely.“
Suddenly she felt bad. This was not right. She was using him. And she could not
pull that on someone. Not on him. 
“I... I'm sorry, Garrus. This is not fair. I'm a mess right now and I
shouldn't play games with you.“
Garrus kept quiet. The humming of the main battery filled the room and increased
the tension inside Eurydice. Then Garrus sighed with relief.
“For a moment there I was quite irritated, Shepard. I didn't know if you were
joking or not.“
“Yeah. I don't know. It's just, I'm jealous. And you were always there for me.
I kind of have some feelings for you, I guess, which I can't really interpret
right now. I don't want to mess up though. You're important to me. And I don't
want to hurt anyone.“ She realized she felt not physically attracted to
Garrus. She could not actually imagine getting intimate with someone at this
point. To her it did not feel like two years from the last time she had slept
with Kaidan. She wanted distraction, that was all. She was not proud of her
move.
“You don't make any sense actually. But I think I get what you mean. Anyway.
We should keep it friendly. But I'm here for you. And Kaidan's an asshole. He
doesn't know what he's missing.“
She was relieved that Garrus handled her imbecile behaviour so well. She hoped
that conversation would not stand between them in the future. “Doesn't make me
feel better.“
“You will eventually. But for now, we should focus on the mission,“ he
winked at her. She could not help but laugh. This was clearly a gesture he had
learned from humans. “You're right, Garrus. Thanks. I should get going“, she
stood up and stretched her arms. 
“Have a good night, Shepard.“

She was staring at her ceiling again. Gazing into the star ocean. It was utterly
stupid of her to hit on Garrus. She felt attracted to him because she felt
lonely and thought she could find approval and consolation inside his arms. It
was not fair. Neither for him, nor for Kaidan, nor for herself. She sighed. Who
was she to blame Kaidan anyway? It has been two years after all. For her it
might have felt like a few months. But in reality two entire years had passed.
How could she actually expect Kaidan to mourn for her his whole life. Truth be
told she would have wished for him to carry on with his life and be happy. Be it
without her in his life.  When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't
know. The last sentence of his mail. Was there hope inside this line? Some kind
of hint? Perhaps she just had to be patient. Perhaps he could forgive her.
Perhaps he just needed to come to terms with the whole situation. But for now a
war was going on. And she should concentrate on the Collectors and the suicide
mission. A suicide mission. “Let's hope this term is not meant literally“

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