Balanceakte   von <span style='color: gray;'>abgemeldet</span>
           (Ein paar nette Kurzgeschichten über dieses und jenes ;))
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                      Kapitel 12: May Angels lead you in
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"L is dead."
Three simple words. Three words that took my breath away. No...I couldn't
believe this. It was impossible to take. I was just stunned and there was no way
to tell what my body was doing that moment, because my soul and my heart and
everything else that hurts was with him. I must have screamed and yelled at
everybody, but I can't remember. And I don't remember how I managed to move my
feet here, too. L...the person I always looked up to. The most important person
in my entire life was simply dead, like any human. Just an empty corpse, and the
beautiful man I admired, the beautiful soul I loved, was gone forever. And I
felt like my ability to breathe was gone with him. It hurt so bad, like nothing
in the world, and it was everything I felt. Pain and emptyness. 
I lay in my room, I think, and on the outside must have been the others. I
didn't notice, if anyone came or anything happened the last few minutes...or
hours? I have no idea. It's only pain and L. The only image of him in my head,
from the only day I met him. There was so much I wanted to tell him...when he
came back. And there was so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted him to be
proud of...when he came back. But he wouldn't come back. Never. And that was the
worst thing that could ever happen. 
I do not know how much time passed. It may have been seconds or days. No matter
how long it was, I didn't move, I just kept lying there, maybe crying, just
feeling the pain and wishing to be dead, too. To be with him again. And then,
suddenly, someone touched me. And everthing crashed down. Voices, that laughed 
outside, light that felt like it was burning my eyes, the hard floor on which I
have been lying, something wet on the floor, too...and this hand. I tried to
look up at him, but the light was too bright. 
Whoever it was, he lift me up and took me to a room I later recognized was the
bathroom. Once we were there, he unclothed me, and usually I would have
protested, but the pain was still there and I was unable to defense myself, so I
simply had to let it happen. He took me to the shower, and then gently began to
let the water clean my skin. By now, I did discover how dirty I was. It must
have been days I lay there...why did only now someone come? Or did I just not
notice?
Seconds later, it seemed to me, he had me covered into warm and clean clothes
and he carried me back to my room, where he softly bed me. And then, totally
unexpectedly, he embraced me. Not like "I say goodbye now" but like "I'd love to
stay forever". And again, the world disappeared. And I remembered what made me
feel like death until an hour or so ago. And the pain returned, but...it was
easier now. Something did hold it back from breaking me, from killing me. And I
knew what it was...it was the person that didn't disappear when I fell again. It
whispered words to me I still couldn't quite hear, and though his voice calmed
me down. I neither forgot why my heart was aching nor why I was so broken, but I
could bear it now.
And after a long time again, I fell to sleep. I didn'tknow how, but I felt that
pair of arms that was still wrapped around my body while I was dreaming of
horrible and beautiful memories, the ones I had from him.
When I woke up, I saw his face. Not L's face. Not the face of my memory. Because
that was what he became.
No, I saw Matt's face, the face of my saviour. The real one. I still cried, and
it still hurt. But I knew that it could somehow, someday fade, and that I could
let L rest in piece. And I would thank Matt for it, as soon as I was able t
speak again. Because I couldn't thank L for everything he did. I will never do
the same mistake again.

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in. 
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.



Tribute to L~

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