Blind   von NanaSaintClair
                         ([Kaoru x Die, Die x Brian])
================================================================================
                            Kapitel 1: Chapter One
                            ----------------------


Ich geb euch mal wieder was Englisches... 

A/N: I dunno since when I wanted to write this. I had the idea long time ago but
now I’ve found the ‘perfect victim’ for who it's worth acting foolish.
I’m influenced by the happenings around me and the music I'm listening to
(L’Âme Immortelle, Placebo & Dir en grey, Bon Jovi and maybe also James
“zieh-die-Jacke-aus” Blunt.
Written from Kaoru’s pov! =_=
Warning: This is definitely not a happy fic.





BLIND



Chapter One




When do you know that a love is lost? How far should you go before you give up?
When would your sorrow turn into anger? How much could you take and still have
hope? When do you realize that your dreams are shattered? How long does a heart
take bleeding? And when…

When will a man be driven blind?

I have no answer to any of those questions, just like nobody has a solution in
my particular case. I still doubt to have lost a love and I refuse to give up
ever. My sorrow often turned into anger but from anger into regret, regret back
into sorrow. I would say there’s no hope left in me because my mind tells me
to stop, but I can’t help that hope does not vanish. Hope is the opposite of
despair. There must be hope in me if I don’t want to fall into despair. My
dreams may be shattered but who would ever stop dreaming? I still do. My heart
has bled for one whole year now and it still does. I guess it’ll keep bleeding
as long as… maybe forever. However this will turn out in the end, my heart
might never stop bleeding.

I may be driven blind already.

I’ve crossed borders I shouldn’t have crossed. I wished for strength,
indifference, cruelty but I lack in all these attributes. My strengths are my
weaknesses. I love, hence there’s no disregard for the one I love and what
does cruelty matter if it hurts me more than anybody else? But I’m not here to
drown in self-pity. I’m just here. I wait. And while I do, I remember.

…

The first time I experienced true love in its many splendid ways was with
someone I would have never guessed. He neither. A man, right. I didn’t know I
could actually love a man until I met him a dozen years ago. Maybe because
he’s a man I do love him more than I should.

We’re band mates and when I met Kyo, Shinya and Die for the first time in my
live, I could tell that the other guitarist couldn’t stand me at all. From my
point of view it wasn’t much different. I never liked people who were
self-important and childish, and on a first impression Die was both. But yet I
tried my best to put up with him.

Daisuke stayed silent most of the times when important things were discussed and
decided, giving me glances that spoke for themselves. I couldn’t tell why at
that point. Later, much later, I understood that he must have been kind of
envious since he was quite an uncertain person who lacked confidence.

Things turned out differently from one special day on. We were recording our
very first own album and I was still in our rehearsing rooms, usually being the
last. But Die was still there as well and he seemed to be sort of impatient. He
sat in one corner with his guitar in his arms and pretended not to care about my
presence. Yet, I could feel his small glances from time to time when he thought
I didn’t notice. He waited for me to go but it didn’t occur to me at that
time. I just wondered that he was still there.

“Don’t you want to go home?” I asked with a little smile.

Die shook his head, not looking up to me. “No, I want to work this out first.
You can leave if you want.”

I ignored his friendly hint to fuck off and tried to peer on the papers that lay
before him. “A song you’re working on?”

He simply nodded and kept his stare on his fingers at the strings of the guitar.
There were obviously problems in his play. Something sounded wrong and I peeked
again on those papers while lighting myself a cigarette.

“You could try playing the note in the middle deeper, with an e instead of a
g,” I suggested and sat down next to him. He looked up at me now, his eyes
speaking of annoyance, doubt but also curiosity. I shrugged. “Just
suggesting.”

He then played it this way and it did sound a little better than before. “But
if I play that one deeper, I must play the next deeper too.”

Nodding I agreed. “Yeah, but you can leave the rest of it. I bet it sounds
great.”

He gave me another doubting glance before he shrugged and started to play. I was
amazed by how gently his fingertips moved across the strings, precisely hitting
every key. The song sounded fantastic and of course I told him. He rewarded me
with a smile, the first one I had ever got. Die always smiled but never at me.
Until that day.

“I need you to be the second guitarist, not the first,” I told him and rose
to my feet. His gaze darkened. I guess he didn’t understand about my motives.
“I’ll give the way with my play but you can make it worth to listen.
You’re way better than me with the acoustic guitar. You easily switch between
accords. I guess I’m a little slow in some departments.”

Die looked at me, gathering in his mind what I had said, that I had complimented
him. And then he genuinely smiled. “Thanks, Kaoru.”

Smiling back I winked and put my guitar into its bag. I was about to leave, just
wanted to say good-bye when Die suddenly spoke up: “You don’t happen to like
finishing this song with me, do you?”

A broad smile built itself upon my lips as I nodded. “I’d love to.”

From then on our friendship developed into a strong bond. With the days, weeks
and moths passing we figured that we had a lot in common, in fact we agreed on
many things. But the best thing was, that we also connected with each other in
the things we were different about. I knew very well what I had and what I
lacked off. That’s why I could be very confident about myself, showing off
what made me important. The same eye I had upon my friend, telling him what was
good about him and supporting his self-confidence. Die on the other hand made me
laugh, enjoy myself and others, go out and have a ball.

We used to spend more time in each other’s company, sometimes with our
friends, sometimes without them. I quickly came to the conclusion that Die was
someone special. An unyielding perfectionist, who came along careless and
casual. He was fun to be with and not in a childish manner. He could be very
serious if required.

Then there were our weekly evenings. I can’t remember exactly when we started
this thing and how, or who had the idea but every Friday evening Die and I met
to watch a random movie. Sometimes he brought a DVD along, sometimes I gather us
a video, or we watched the hotel’s pay-tv program. It did never matter to us
whether we were on tour, recording music or videos, or not working at all. We
met every Friday to watch a movie. Period. Maybe for one year, maybe two before
we got even closer.

Cuddling had developed into something normal like leaning my head on his
shoulder while we were lounging on the sofa and staring at the TV screen. During
winter Die shoved his feet under my legs to keep them warm and when he was
really tired he just put his head in my pillowed lap. All the while we did
nothing but to watch a movie but I had already realized that I loved the guy.

I wasn’t sure about sex though. I couldn’t tell if I actually wanted to kiss
him or do any stuff with him at all. I just knew that my heart belonged to him,
that I felt the pain whenever he was being hurt, that I was jealous when he met
with girls or other guys, even if they were just drinking buddies. I deeply
cared about his well-being, that I would marry him on the spot if he asked me.
Kids had never been an issue in my life and why not spend your life with someone
you love instead of some crazy chick you’ve found in a club?

One special evening, when the movie was just over, Die rested his head on my
shoulder. He looked up at me and I turned my head to him. Then he suddenly
kissed me. I was surprised but when it happened, there was this urge rising
within me and I instantly replied, deepening our kiss until we heavily made out
on the sofa. Neither of us cared about the consequences and if, then we both
probably were sure that from now on we were a couple. There was no doubt about
it, no questions, just answers.

We did do stuff that night too but not the whole thing. The two of us had no
clue about sex between the same genders and after some groping and caressing, we
simply helped each other to jerk off. I did it again after he had left. Just
thinking of him and remembering his touches.

From then on weeks passed with Die and me secretly meeting and starting to make
out until we both came from the help of the other’s hand. I will never forget
the moment when I received my first blow-job by him. Again we were kissing,
touching and Die’s hand remained in my opened pants. All of a sudden he
shifted and replaced his hand with his mouth. He felt so warm, so good. I got
off immediately. Shit, I was embarrassed back then. But Die just smiled, not
disappointed but proud.

Nights after that I could not get it out of my head and I felt the need to repay
him. We were somewhere touring when he sneaked into my room at night and I gave
him the best time of his life. Completely. I had not planned it when my mind had
lost control of my want and I fucked him. Sex had never felt this good before in
my life. I hadn’t known Die to be that loud but I pleasantly enjoyed him
shouting my name at the top of his lungs.

Well, from then on our band mates knew about us. One would think it had been
embarrassing when they asked if we fucked each other because of the moans they
had heard, but actually I was just as proud as a guy could be.

“Yes,” I had said and grinned. Yes, I fucked my Die. And I would do it again
many times after that. When we joined, it was the most intensive thing I’ve
ever learnt to know.

It could have stayed like this for the rest of our lives. I was happy, settled
and loved. I had found the one for me and I knew it. Even if the band would ever
be past, my love for him will always remain. He makes me complete. I knew that
nothing happened between us for no reason. Call it fate or destiny. Whatever, it
doesn’t matter. Everything happened so we would be together forever and ever.

That’s what I thought.

I also thought it was the other way around. Die loved me, he had told me many
times. He still does, unless he lies to me. I’m not sure after all that has
happened during the past year.

But how was I supposed to know that Die obviously was missing something in our
relationship?

Missing someone.

Him.

...

The band was touring again. Die and I were together for five years by then and
we were supposed to join a rock festival in Paris. The city of love. Is it not
called like that? My band mates and I had a short rehearsal on stage in the
morning as we should play during the early afternoon. That’s what we did,
everything according to plan. We had gathered some fans in Europe but we were
still little nothings against those who should be on stage in the evening.

Between rehearsals and our performance we hadn’t that much time off, just me
and Die giving an interview. Nothing out of ordinary. We joked around as we
headed back to our friends. But suddenly Die stopped.

“What’s the matter?”

He didn’t answer to my question, just gazed at the stage where another band
was rehearsing their show. They were pretty good from what I could hear and when
their singer started to croon, it was obvious that he was sort of different. But
the too apparent manner of his body’s language made me skeptic – other than
Die. That person wanted to look gay for everybody seeing him and people such as
them usually were straighter than the Pope. I didn’t like the singer, didn’t
like his attitude, didn’t like his looks and voice.

I didn’t know why either.

Now I now but because of different reasons. Back then I darkened my eyes and
pulled my boyfriend’s wrist. “Let’s get going.”

Die obliged without to utter a single word. Still I felt strange with an
indescribable feeling in the in the pit of my stomach. Sure, Die had drooled
about this black-haired guy but who didn’t once in a while? We fancied some
hunks but that was nothing. Never. Ever. That’s why I didn’t give much about
it. Why would I? I trusted Die with my life.

After our show there wasn’t much left for us to do. I asked my boyfriend to
have dinner with him in our room but he refused with an apologizing look of his
eyes, telling me that he’d love to see some more shows. The stage was some
miles away from our hotel and although I didn’t approve of the idea, I
shrugged an okay. I knew he wanted to see that guy performing and didn’t deny
him that pleasure. It was okay, wasn’t it? Yet I was relieved when Shinya said
he wanted to stay as well.

Together with the remaining members of my band I had dinner and all alone I
spend the evening watching television and waiting for Die. I felt a little
regretful for leaving him. Maybe I should have asked him to come with me for a
little tour through Paris. That might have been nice, romantic and what he’d
have expected from me. But I didn’t know for sure. We never did cheesy stuff
like that. Weren’t we just happy that we had us?

It turned late in the evening when I began to wonder when Die would come. The
thought of taking a bath together with him crossed my mind but as the hours
passed, it decreased into the simple wish to fall asleep with him close. Late
after midnight Die still wasn’t back and I was lying awake in bed when I heard
some rumbling outside on the floor. I smiled at the thought of my half drunken
boyfriend stumbling into my arms. Getting up, I walked to the door and opened it
but the only one I could see was Shinya trying to unlock his door opposite.

The drummer turned and I raised my eyebrows in questions. Then he shrugged and
helplessly smiled. “He didn’t want to go yet, Kaoru. I couldn’t make
him.”

I guess my gaze turned from expecting to quite pissed because Shinya started to
apologize. But I told him it was okay since it wasn’t his fault. Damn Die, who
could never get enough once he had started to have a ball. I knew him well
enough to know that he was probably just drinking somewhere. Hopefully not with
that little prick though. I turned and headed back inside. Sure, I could have
asked Shinya if he knew anything about Die’s whereabouts but maybe I was
afraid of the answer.

Crawling back into bed, I curled up there and tried to sleep. I did feel anger
towards Die but we all needed some freedom and I had no right to make rules. If
Die wanted to go out, it had to be fine with me. It just had to.

I hardly slept that night, thinking too much, starting to become scared. I
cursed myself for not asking the drummer. What if something had happened to Die?
Could I be sure he was safe? I worried my heart out but it didn’t help
anyway.

Morning came and with the first sunrays I stood up and made my way under the
shower. Die hadn’t turned up and I was more than just a little pissed. He
could have called me to say that he would… he would what? Where did he stay
the night? Did he party all the night through? Once the shower had done its best
to hide my visible lack of sleep, still failing completely, I tried to call his
cell phone but I wasn’t even surprised that it was off.

I knew very well what was happening but I didn’t want it to be true. I sat on
my bed, pondering what to do, thousands of thoughts wandering through my mind. I
would have to tell the others and look for him. After all something bad might
have happened to him. But if his plain stupidity was the cause for his
disappearance? What if he had gone as far as to sleep in someone else’s bed?
Wouldn’t I make a fool out of myself? But why would he do that? Deep down I
could feel it. Whatever it meant.

I sat on my bed, hands on my knees and looked out of the window. My things were
packed already and in only mere minutes someone would come and pick me up. Then
I would have to explain where Die was and that he was missing. I honestly felt
like crying, as if someone would stab my chest again and again, but tears would
not fall.

Suddenly the door opened and my mind registered that anybody else other than Die
would have knocked. Relived I should have jumped and hugged him but something
told me to hold back. Slowly I turned my head to face him and guess what, he did
look even worse than I. No wonder as he had been away the whole night, obviously
not gaining any sleep too.

“Hey,” was his low statement as I just sadly looked at him. He meekly smiled
at me but avoided to meet my gaze. I felt dead the moment he appeared, but
patiently waited for an explanation, silently hoping for an understandable
apology. “I’ll just take a shower, then we can go.”

This had been everything he said to me. No apology, no explanation, nothing. The
more he behaved like that, the fewer I dared to ask, fearing that the answer was
something that would shatter my world into pieces. Once he had showered he
quietly gathered his things into a suitcase and went on with our usual business
routine. I leant against the wall by the window, watching this friggin’ city
of love but Die didn’t even care about me. When he was done packing, he waited
for me in the door.

“You ready, Kao?” His voice was low and careful, almost innocent.

It made me inwardly clench. I could have retched. If he really was that
innocent, why wouldn’t he just tell me where he had been. Did I really have to
ask him? I tried to get a grip on myself and took a deep breath. If he wanted to
be like that, I would play along and do as if I wouldn’t give a damn. Nodding
I turned and grabbed my bags and passed him by.

We climbed into the taxi as usual and I took a seat far behind at the window.
Die flopped down on the seat in front of me and it hurt. It had never mattered
before where one of us sat but now it simply hurt. A half-sleeping vocalist took
the place next to me and I avoided to look at him, rather staring out of the
window than to meet one of my friend’s eyes. I was indeed afraid one would ask
if something was wrong. Something was but nobody had to know. Not yet. Maybe not
ever.

Shinya poked Die’s side when he had to sit next to him but Die only cast a
short glimpse towards him before he stared straight ahead. Apparently my
boyfriend didn’t want to talk with—or answer any questions to—no one. I
still wondered what Shinya would have asked if he wasn’t being ignored. Damn
the silent drummer! If it had been Toshiya, he wouldn’t have cared for Die
being indisposed. The bassist would have asked nonetheless, but with Shinya and
his silent manner, I had no such luck.

No difference during our plane ride. Die grabbed himself a pillow and turned to
drift off into slumber. It would have been my chance to ask Shinya about last
night but since he was being annoyed by Toshiya, I resisted my curiosity. Tosh
didn’t need to know anything. During the whole time of the flight there
wasn’t another opportunity for me to talk to Shinya and I shoved my questions
in the back of my mind, refusing to think about them.

Approaching Japan everybody went their own ways, except for me and Die. We
shared an apartment together after all. During the ride there, he made small
talk with the taxi driver. Once in our home he excused himself to the bathroom,
then to do the laundry and at last he lied about having a headache because of
the jet lag. At first he said he needed some fresh air and left for more than
two hours. When he came back, he told me that his head wasn’t any better and
marched straight off into bed.

Like the biggest fool alive I sat in the kitchen, smoking and having a coffee. I
stared in front of me at the cup but I felt unconscious. There were thousand
things in my head, yet it was completely empty. My mind was drowned, restless
but dead. There was an indescribable ache, something strangling me, squeezing
me, tearing me at the same time.

But I was not broken, nor shattered – not at this point yet.

Time passed and I’m still not sure how long it takes – maybe a lifetime? –
for a man to be driven blind.





End of chapter one.



                            Kapitel 2: Chapter Two
                            ----------------------


 Okay, auf vielfachen Wunsch nun das 2. Kapitel, welches bereits im November
letzten Jahres fertig war. Leider bin ich mir seither unschlüssig, was die ff
angeht. Sie ist eben nicht happy und das Thema könnte eher "Verzweiflung" sein,
nur sicher nicht "Hoffnung". Es freut mich aber trotzdem, dass es einige gibt,
die die FF gefällt.^^ Ich würde nämlich sehr gerne irgendwann
weiterschreiben. ;)

 Comment:  I’m addicted to writing evil things. And I’m quite sure now that
Brian won’t have any active part in this fic. He’ll just be mentioned. I
love that guy dearly and I sure don't want to make any people hate him because
I've included him in a Die x Kaoru fic. 



 Chapter Two 



When my anger faded, it turned into sorrow and I thought I was the worst person
alive. My dominant personality made me easily grow arrogant, stubborn and angry.
And while I sat and pondered about what was wrong with Die, my anger was taken
over by complete and utter worry. If he hid something from me, then there had to
be a good reason for it but I was here, ignoring him, not even asking about his
well-being. Regret flooded my emotions.

How could I even think that Die would do something as foolish as to cheat on me?
He would never do such thing. Not my Die.

Something must have happened that made him unable to talk about it. The worst
thoughts crossed my mind and I buried my head in my hands. What if something
really awful had happened to Die and he couldn’t talk about it? Maybe he was
only waiting for me to ask him, take care of him the way I should? Instead I was
grumpily shrugging off the fact that he ignored his departure from last night.
What a miserable and terrible boyfriend I was! 

The worst crimes and scenes shot through my mind and I started to worry really
bad for Die and what he may have experienced. What if he was scared that I’d
laugh about him or turn my back on him if he told me the truth? What if he
thought I couldn’t take it? Sure, he should trust me enough not to think like
this but that’s only the theory. Yet the real life often made one think stupid
things. I would need to prove him that he could trust me with anything.

It was almost midnight when I had found new confidence in myself. Nearly
laughing about how stupid I had reacted, I went to join Die in bed. As I entered
the bedroom, he was curled up on his side of the bed and peacefully sleeping. I
smiled as I watched him for a moment, not very longer. He was mine; my love; my
life. Climbing into bed I carefully moved to spoon him with my body and wrapped
my arm loosely around him, so that my fingers would cover one of his hands. It
was the faintest of a touch but I could have sworn that he squeezed my hand,
although he didn’t move at all.

Tomorrow I’d be the boyfriend he deserved and we would get this sorted out.
This wasn’t just a ray of hope. I was convinced that Die and I could cope with
anything, whatever had happened. Thankfully I was too tired to ponder very much
longer. With his scent in my nostrils, I fell asleep after some minutes. 

When I woke up in the morning, Die was already gone but I heard distant music
and some rumbling in our apartment. I assumed he was feeling better today. Time
to face the music, I told myself and got up.

“Good morning,” I greeted him as I entered the kitchen and found Die sipping
tea and reading some magazine. The kitchen’s counter was left messy as usual
but it still looked different. There was no food but only items from out of
cupboards and drawers. 

“Morning,” he briskly said and smiled too short for my liking, again not
meeting my eyes. No chance to gather a morning-kiss for me, but that only
reminded me of my task.

“Were you looking for something?” I began with small talk. He should know I
was still talking to him and not playing any silly games anymore.

Die looked up at the mess he had made but shook his head with a tiny smile.
“Not really. You know me. I easily mess up.”

He muttered his last sentence under his breath and shifted his gaze back to his
magazine. I nodded and gathered myself a cup of coffee. Then I sat down and
tried to catch Die’s eyes. “I think we need to talk, Die.”

“Hm?” He looked up at me with innocent eyes and I had to suppress the rising
anger within me. He was so obviously faking naivety but I refused the urge to
roll my eyes at his act. Then he suddenly stood up and put his cup in the
dishwasher. “There’s hardly anything in our fridge. We’ve been away too
long.”

Temporarily puzzled, my mind tried to grasp why he just changed the subject and
completely ignored my attempt to talk. I just looked at him and tried to read
him but I failed. Worried to the core I silently sighed and ran a hand through
my hair. I wanted to gain his trust, to be a good boyfriend, right? 

“We can go and buy something later,” I suggested with a smile. “But not
right now. Come and sit down again, please.”

He seemed to ponder for a moment before he nervously headed for his shoes and
jacket in the corridor. “Nah, let me just do that, Kao. I’ll go and buy
something, ok? I want something posh for dinner, maybe shrimps.”

Sitting on my chair I had stretched my neck to watch him and listen to his
raised voice. He ran away from me, escaping my talk with him, but I agreed. It
may be a better time later. He wanted to have a posh dinner with me and that was
quite a nice idea, I had to admit. Afterwards we could be as comfortable as we
wanted to be and certainly Die would find the courage to talk to me. I’d make
sure of it.

I certainly hadn’t expected him taking as much time as he did but I told
myself to stay calm. During the time I was alone at home I considered calling
Shinya and finally asking him about that night in Paris. However I decided
against. What if he didn’t know anything? Then he’d ask why I didn’t ask
Die myself and if something was wrong between the two of us. As if I could need
questions like these? No, I would talk to Die at first and then I’d see
what’ll come next. 

Die came back after midday, apologizing and telling me about how he had
forgotten the traffic was like in Japan. Unpacking his bags rather quickly, he
asked some random questions, told me about some mild facts and whatever I
replied, he kept us both down to small talk. The day passed by almost too fast.
Free days were used in routine too. Die called his family while I was scanning
through the mail. Then he asked me to prepare the dinner since he wanted to take
a bath. I agreed but after all the work was done, my boyfriend was still in the
bathroom.

Sighing with a small smile on my lips, I knocked and entered. He was still in
the tub with his head leant back and his eyes closed. He didn’t notice me as
his ears were plugged by the earphones of his iPod. I bit my bottom lip and
raised my eyebrows when I realized that his hand was slowly moving in a way too
unmistakable rhythm under the water. Was I really that much in remiss of my
duties? Truth be spoken, it was possible since we had been working too much, too
hard, to give each other some pleasure.

I crouched down next to the bath tub and reached my hand under the water for
Die’s. That move had been completely expected by him. He wasn’t just
frightened but he flinched. His eyes spoke of terror as his hand harshly waved
mine away. Then he unplugged his ears and glared at me.

“What the—” Seeking for words he just shook his head. “What’re you
doing here?”

“I…” …am a fool I should have said because that’s how I felt. Like a
stupid idiot who had done the simplest thing wrong. There had been nothing wrong
as I think about it now. No big deal lending a hand to your boyfriend one would
think, right? He should consider himself as lucky but Die was everything but
happy with my help and I quickly backed off. “I’m sorry.”

“God dammit,” Die muttered and put a hand on his heart. “You scared the
shit out of me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” I dropped my gaze, embarrassed, then helplessly
shrugged. “I just wanted to tell you that dinner’s ready.”

“Okay,” he said and quickly grabbed for a towel. “Thank you.”

That was a nice way of telling someone that their help won’t be needed
anymore. I may have been foolish but not stupid. Nodding I made my way out of
the bathroom. After all I was sorry because I honestly never meant to give him a
heart-attack but on the other hand I felt like a dog. Bad puppy had drooled on
the paper he brought. But I didn’t give much about it at that time. Maybe he
really had just freaked out because he didn’t expect me. Still, one would
think that a man, who wakes his partner with blowjobs in the middle of the
night, would be a little bit cooler about it when his partner does a similar
thing. 

Setting the table I waited for Die who marched in dressed but with wet hair. He
didn’t say anything at all when he slid down to sit on the table. Wordlessly I
took my place opposite him, not knowing what to say. He seemed changed and the
fact that he freaked out as I had touched him, spoke for no good. My worried
heart and mind took over and I couldn’t wait until we would be more
comfortable. I needed to know it now.

“Die, we really need to talk,” I began and spoke my words as gently as I was
able to. He looked at me for only a second, and then stared on his plate.
“Where have you been that night in Paris?”

I had dared to ask. My throat was dry like a desert and I swallowed the lump
that had built in my throat.

“Does it matter?” His voice cold, he replied not looking at me.

“Sure, it does. I was worried about you,” I told him to make him weak and
not stubborn.

“There was no need.” His low and monotonous voice made me inwardly shake but
I remained calm on the outside.

I pondered how to go one with this. Should I voice out my doubts or accept his
refusal. “I’m glad. So, what did you do the whole night?”

“Do you have to ask these bloody questions?” Die snapped and looked up with
a glare directed at me. It made me boil up with anger all of a sudden.

“Damn yeah, I do!” I shot back, but I tried to stay rational and not to let
my anger get the better of me. “You’ve been away the whole night long and I
worried my head off and once you come back, you don’t have anything to say.
Why don’t you tell me where you’ve been or what you did?”

Turning his gaze away, he lit a cigarette and took a long drag. “Because I
think it’s better this way.”

Now I couldn’t help but snort. “Yeah right. And why would that be?”

I started to tremble with having asked this. Why would he hide something from
me? Too calm Die replied: “It’s only good for you if you not know ‘cause
it may change things.”

Good for me? Whatever it was, hiding was never good. “Die, please,” I began
and kept my voice gentle, trying to support his courage, to gain his trust and
make him see what bad lying does. “You can tell me anything. Whatever has
happened, you can tell me.”

“That not,” he said and slowly stood up, facing an imaginary place on the
ground. “You may not be able to forgive me.”

Shaking my head insanely, I bitterly smiled in order to prevent myself from
having a nervous breakdown. “Why would I need to? I wanna know, Die. I wanna
know what’s happened and what you did I won’t be able to forgive you. Tell
me where you’ve spent that night.”

My own demand left me shaking as Die forced his eyes to meet mine. His looked
tired, annoyed, lazy but also hurt. I could very well imagine what was happening
here but I needed confirmation like any human does when they’re been deceived
by those they trusted. Die’s answer was indifferent. “In some hotel in
Paris.”

I could feel how my eyes became empty. It took me some effort and more than just
a bit courage to ask what I really needed to know. “In whose room?”

My question came out like a whisper. Die closed his eyes and opened them again,
rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. “In
someone’s. Kaoru, stop that. You can add one and one very well and I don’t
wanna explain anymore. Just drop it.”

I was at a loss for words. Like a pathetic fool I sat and waited for an apology
I wouldn’t get. Not now. Not ever. “Did you…” I whispered, not able to
look him in the eye right now. “Did you sleep with…”

Annoyed, he sighed. “Will you stop asking now? Yeah, gods, I did. Are you
happy now? Why couldn’t you just leave it? It won’t happen again anyway. But
you asked for it. God dammit! If you would’ve just kept your mouth shut! All
this damn talking! It makes me sick!”

Die’s calmness subsided as his anger increased with every word he spoke. I was
too shocked to move, let alone to say something. He leveled reproof against me
for asking. I sat and watched him turn to leave. Only when he was already
slipping inside his jacket, I dared to ask where he wanted to go.

“Out,” he curtly replied. “I can’t breathe inside of here.”

“Will you be back?” How silly a question and yet the only thing that was
really important to me. 

“Guess so,” He shrugged and left.

The room was spinning. My heart raced, missed beats, I hardly remember.
Breathing hurt. I craved for him. Hopes were shattered. I needed to sit down and
rest for a moment. My fingers were trembling as I reached for a smoke. It
didn’t calm me like it usually used to. I cried without any sound. Heavy drops
were running down my heated skin but no sobbing, no heart-wrenching screaming
for answers, just trying to gain my coolness, my calmness, myself. I wasn’t
allowed to lose control. Anything could be sorted out in some way. 

Yet my emotions were too strong for now. I hated crying. It never helps anybody.
Numbly I got up and cleared off the table, slowly putting everything back where
it belonged, move by move. I even wrapped up the food, so we could eat it later.
Then I headed for the bathroom. Like in trance and with glassed eyes, I suddenly
caught sight of something. There was still Die’s iPod. Taking it in my hands,
I plugged the earphones in and pressed the small button to make it play.

More tears left my eyes when the music started but still I kept silent. Not a
tiny noise could be heard. Only the music from my boyfriend’s mp3-player. His
voice. No big deal to recognize that singer’s annoying voice. I crouched down
on the floor and leant my head back against the bathtub, endlessly listening to
that guy’s odd singing. There was no need for me to understand his language.
The tone of his high-pitched voice was enough to gain more and more hate towards
him. 

Maybe I sat there longer than the iPod was playing, I can’t say, but once
everything was quiet and no more salty liquid oozed from my needless eyes, I
gathered back some sense. Die still was mine. He had told me that it won’t
happen again. That guy was out of his life. I was in it. The only thing
disturbing was that Die never said he was sorry. But maybe he just didn’t dare
since usually in these kind of situations no apology could turn back time and
make things undone. I found excuses for everything but the iPod.

Did Die listen to him when he was pleasuring himself? 

I drowned the iPod in our toilet. A smile rose to my face, one that was sick but
determined. I could make better music anyway, without any singing. I’d make
Die jerk off to my playing. I’d make him forget about the other. The thought
of losing Die was too much to bear and I’d do anything to make us both forget
that this ever happened. If Die didn’t love me, he wouldn’t be here with me,
trying to live like we used to. Didn’t he try to hide it from me, so I won’t
be hurt? 

Where was Die? I hoped he’d come back soon. 

I switched on the television and started to watch whatever was on. My mind was
numb. I hardly registered anything. I was only waiting for Die to come back. Yet
I was too exhausted, too tired and after hours lying there awake, I must have
fallen asleep. 

My eyes snapped open when I heard our door. Instantly I was on my feet, hardly
realizing that it was nearly morning. There he was, standing in front of the
closed door, drenched to the bone. He looked tired with deep rings beneath his
eyes, making it impossible for me to see anything in them but a drained soul.
His wet hair clung to his face as he silently stood there without saying a
single word. Of course my heart went out to him and I closed the gap between
us.

“Die,” I muttered and immediately reached out to take off his soaked jacket.
I hadn’t even noticed that it must have rained during the night. He didn’t
show any resistance as I felt for his temperature. “God, you’re completely
soaked. You’ll be lucky if you won’t catch the flu.”

He looked at me with empty eyes and hoarsely whispered something that sounded
like a ‘yes’. With no further thought I stripped him off his jumper as well
as the t-shirt underneath while Die was helping by lazily lifting his arms. Even
the pants I pulled down for him and made him slip out of his socks until he was
left there standing in only his boxers. 

“Let’s get your robe and a towel.” He followed me inside the bathroom
where I held the bathrobe open for him and he effortlessly slipped inside. Then
I made him sit and dried his hair with the towel as best as possible. I reached
for the hairdryer and silently used it while combing his hair with my fingers. 

I didn’t feel too bad doing so, not at all. It was as if I was in charge
again, caring for my boy, mothering him in a way. That’s what I always did.
That was just me. Being with me had been his choice. That’s what he wanted,
needed.

“Ready,” I shortly smiled at Die and he looked up to me. Guessing that he
hadn’t slept at all that night, probably just spend time in some bars, until
he was out of money, and out in the night, he should rest I decided. This time I
didn’t even waste a thought on cheating even if Die hadn’t been at home.
This time I just knew there wasn’t anybody but Die grieving alone in the dark.
“Go to bed and sleep.”

Nodding he stood up and I guided him into our bedroom. Once he was stuck
underneath the covers, he weakly smiled at me. “Thanks.”

There was no effort in taking care of my boyfriend but I would’ve to face work
again today. “I’ll have to go then though. But I’ll tell them you’re
down with the flu. It’ll be okay. Just stay in bed and sleep as much as you
can. If you’re hungry, there’s still some dinner from last night in the
fridge. I’ll be back this evening.”

He turned his back to me and stuck his nose deep in the pillows, drifting off
almost immediately. As I was back in the kitchen, I ran a hand through my hair
and deeply inhaled some air in my lungs. He was right. Maybe I shouldn’t have
asked for it. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. Die needed me. Only me. He
was here. I was here. That was all that mattered. We just needed our routine
back.

I showered, drank my coffee and smoked my cigarette as usual before I headed to
the studios. When the guys asked about Die, I told them that he was down with a
fever but that he’d be back as soon as possible. I never lived through a day
of work like this, lacking concentration I usually provided for the five of us.
They excused my failure, smiled and patted my back, telling me that I
shouldn’t worry about Die too much. It was just the flu after all. Oh, if they
knew. But gladly they didn’t. 

When I came back home, I found Die sitting in the kitchen. He wore his robe and
drank coffee. At least it smelled like coffee. I shot him a worried glance and
put on the kettle. “I’m gonna make some tea. It’s better than coffee right
now. How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” he voiced out lowly and leant back against the wall. “Do you want
me to move out?”

Unexpected as the question hit me, I raised my brows and stared at Die for some
seconds. I was honestly surprised that he thought I’d want that. “No, of
course not.”

“Why not?” Die asked about relevant things after all, I had finally
realized. It’d be only fair if I wanted to break up with him and to make
‘the cheater’ move out. Yet, it was the last thing I wished for. I could
never give up on him.

“Because I love you,” I truthfully answered and tried to meet his gaze.
“Things will be okay again if we want.”

He mildly laughed and smiled at me. “Yeah.”

In awkward silence we drank tea and I prepared some feeble dinner. I could
imagine he didn’t know what to talk about, me knowing he’d not want to talk
about Paris. So I told him about today’s finished work and Kyo’s ramblings
about some photo shoots. It made Die smile and I didn’t ask for more.

…

Did he agree with me back then? I should have asked him if he wanted to make
things okay again. I can’t say what was on his mind, nor can I know if he
loved me as well. I guessed he did. Ironically guessing became a habit during
the past year. I was sure and always guessing. I could not see. I had to guess.
Had I been already blind? 



End of chapter two. 


 Please tell me if it's any good at all. 



                           Kapitel 3: Chapter Three
                           ------------------------


I love Brian Molko. He’d never even touch Die. But I’m not sure about Die.
*lol* Gomen ne! ^^ Anyway, this is a crappy piece of fic now and I despise it
from the bottom of my heart. I wasn't able to manage anything better though...


Chapter Three



It may sound really stupid, the way I acted and reacted after Die's confession.
But nothing about Die's behavior was actually typical, apart from the fact that
he had spent one night out, probably drunk to the core and made one of the most
stupid but most frequent mistakes a man could make. It could happen to anyone of
us. If he had told me in tears, begging for forgiveness, I might've taken it
even harder. 

Looking at it back then, I've only seen that Die tried to pretend that it had
never happened. He didn't want to tell me, didn't want to talk about it, didn't
want any of my questions. All he really wanted, was to forget and be with me
like before. Even if it hurt, and it hurt an awful lot, I could manage easier
than he. He was mine and when I looked at him, I could see somebody else
touching him. But he was still the one I needed and loved and most of all wanted
to protect. 

So I ignored my own pain and concentrated on building a bond between Die and me
even stronger than before. Yet, I had never expected Die to have so many
troubles. He sure wanted to forget and act as if nothing had even happened, but
I don't think it was the same when he was alone and I wasn't around. And Die
suddenly needed a lot more of these moments in peace and without my presence.
Not even if I kept quiet - my utter existence was enough to disturb him.

"Do you love me?" I asked staring at the ceiling in our bedroom.

It took only mere seconds for him to answer but he still hesitated. "Yes, Kaoru,
I do."

I smiled. Die never lied. He had a clever way to avoid questions and answers but
once he did answer directly to a question, he never lied. I turned to face him
and put my hand on his stomach, running my fingertips across the smooth flesh.
He didn't look at me, just grabbed my hand and closed his eyes, before he leant
in to kiss me. It was awkward, even back then, but seeing it now that it's in
the past, I must've been blind. 

Yet, I urgently deepened the kiss, had only waited for the moment to come, so I
could wash off the other man's dirty touch. Every inch of Die's body was mine
and I tried not to miss a spot to caress. He did look at me then under
half-opened eyelids but they closed again once I entered his body. His eyes shut
tightly and he turned his head away, burying his face in the pillow. It drowned
out his moans as he tried to suppress them - something he had never done
before.

I was too drawn into our actions, the feel of Die around me, being inside that
man and finding beautiful release. Only once I had broken down onto his worn
body, my clouded mind caught a thought that hadn't even occurred to me so far.
How dim a man was I? Biting my lip, I decided to just voice it out, even if Die
and I didn't talk about "the issue". There were just some things more important
than unspoken promises.

"When you were with him, did he protect?" I was worried for Die, as well as for
myself. I already hated the guts out of that man. There was really no need for
his guts to spread in mine. Or Die's.

He was silent for what felt like an eternity until he turned his back to me and
uttered: "I did."

That was another thing that had never even crossed my mind before. Die did use
the protection, not another man. Die did fuck him, not the other way around. It
was my Die who had come onto that filthy bastard. 

As I was lying there in silence, the room all dark and Die probably just
pretending to be asleep, I was torn again. My mind was blank and yet there were
hundreds of thoughts spinning and never even resting once. I lit a cigarette and
smoked as I usually did after sex. So did Die usually, but nothing about Die was
very usual since...

It was plaguing my mind uncontrollably. I needed to know what exactly had
happened between Die and the other guy. Had Die been drunk? Most likely. Had the
guy begged Die to fuck him? Most likely too. How did Die manage if he was truly
as drunk as I wanted to make myself believe? And how in seven hells was such a
simple European prick able to seduce the man who loves me? I did not know. Not
then, even if now I have a vague image. I can't say for sure.

I didn't know whether to hate Die for fucking that bastard or to hate myself for
having asked the question. I loved Die, so hating him wasn't an option. The only
thing I did, was reminding him of these past things we wanted to forget. Was I a
fool? Because, indeed, I was sorry.

Again I focused on our future, not the past.

The next morning Die came into the kitchen and looked at me like he had seen a
ghost. "Where's my iPod?"

The one I drowned so neatly in the toilet. Ouch. I didn't know what to answer.
"I'm sorry. I broke it." His face fell and he looked angry, so I continued. "I'm
gonna buy you a new one, Die. I really am sorry."

My apologizing did nothing to Die and he just clenched his fists as his lips
turned into a thin line. "I don't want a new one. I want the old one! Got it?"

"But I don't have the old one anymore. It fell into the bathtub," I lied. "It's
just an iPod. I'll get you a new one as soon as I can."

Die just looked at me with hate in his eyes. Could he tell I had lied? Taking a
deep breath, he hissed: "You just don't understand! You will never understand."

With these words he left. 

Oh, and how I did understand! I understood pretty well but I didn't want it to
be true. My mind pondered about the reasons for Die wanting that thing with that
music. Did he have a special way to forget? Maybe he needed to get rid of the
music himself. Or maybe he still needed it to remind himself of his mistake in
order to hate the guy. There are many reasons a mind can come up with once a
mind refuses to see the truth. 

Hours later Die came back with a new iPod and a smile on his lips. "Just stay
away from my things, okay?"

"Okay," I breathed and with a tiny smirk, he put it away and brushed past me,
shifting a small kiss on my cheek. 

Die was happy. Just like that. For the last days I haven't seen him smile, smirk
or just intending to kiss me, being that light-hearted guy he had been formerly.
And with that my hopes rose. I started to believe, truly believe, that we could
make it. Make it forget. Be happy. Just us like it had been. 

Little did I know that iPod was pimped to the max.

As days turned into weeks I had no clue about Die's thoughts. Yet, he became a
little more distant with each day. I told myself that I was just imagining
things because he actually acted the same as before the incident. But I noticed
that he was often snappy, used the computer more often and was glad if I simply
left him alone for some time. 

But I was wrong about the way how I acted. I thought that I was still the same
and did everything to please Die and have a working relationship going on. But
my drive for sex with Die grew more demanding. In my mind I was just trying to
show him how much I truly love him, how much I desired him and how I couldn't
get enough of him. But I just wanted to remind him that he was mine. That I
owned him like he owned me. He did own me and that was part of my mistake.

I was being selfish, wanted to make sure that he wouldn't remember what happened
with the other man. But Die knew how to help himself and at one point he was
just full of it. It was his right, I admit that. But I would've never thought
that he reacted the way he did. It was an usual night like so many others
before. I shifted closer to him, wrapped my arm around his body and started to
kiss his neck. The moan he emitted was not a pleasant one.

"Kaoru," he mumbled more or less annoyed and I could literally feel him rolling
his eyes.

But I didn't listen; didn't want to listen. Thought that I was just showing my
affection. But wrong I was. Sliding my hand down his body, I groped him. There
isn't even another word how to describe it 'cause I could feel that he wasn't in
the mood for any sexual activity. I rolled on top of Die, kissed him hard and
demanding, grinding my hip into his. I wanted to make him just as horny as I was
and I didn't care in the least that he just wanted to sleep in peace. He had
said that he loved me. So naturally he should respond.

Did I lose my mind? When had it happened? Was I driven blind? I can't tell. But
I can tell that it hurt to feel the body I adored so stiff and impassive. But
the more I got hurt, the more I grew obsessed to 'make love' to Die. And then
there was the final point when my lover reacted totally against what I would've
expected. He slid his arms up my back, wrapped them around me, kissed me back
just as hard and then, out of the blue, he twisted us both around until he was
lying on top of me. 

He never did that. Usually. I repeat myself. But there he did. So sudden that I
stared with wide eyes, even while he was still kissing me. Now it was suddenly
his hand who was groping and not in a pleasant way either. If it comes down to
it, Die's pretty much stronger than I am, build broader and taller and only my
personality was making me as dominant as I usually am. But in that night he used
his God-given nature and made me surrender, completely. 

My eyes were squeezed tightly shut as whimpers of pain rolled off my lips. I was
somewhat shocked at the sounds, have never known I'd actually let them escape,
not able to suppress. Love-making didn't hurt like this, I know and I knew back
then. Had I really hurt him that much with all the extra attention? Have I been
that annoying? I must've been considering that he paid me back that way. I don't
accuse him, no way I would ever. Surely I could've defended and protected myself
at some point. Yet, I didn't want to because part of my broken being loved the
pain he was putting me through. It distracted from all the locked up emotional
pain I hadn't let out. 

Never in my entire life I had wished for any sexual interaction between my lover
and me to find an end soon that badly. And once it did, I was left feeling
blank. My mind was spinning and yet numb. My body ached though and I only dared
to put a foot out of that bed when I was sure that Die had fallen asleep. On
silent toes I made it into the bathroom, locked it up and watched my reflection
in the mirror. There I was, same Kaoru as before. Outwardly I hadn't changed and
neither had Die.

But inwardly we were torn. 

On my part I knew exactly why but I was the one tearing on Die. How else could
it be? All I ever did was wrong. I really should've just left him his peace,
ignore him somehow and make him see how much he would truly miss me if I turned
my back on him. And yet I knew I could never do that. But I could try, really
hard, to ignore him, show him indifference and make him miss me. Right?

The eyes staring back at me in the mirror told a story of their own, wet and
red. I was being a fool. Stupid on top of all for even crying about it. Die
loved me and I pestered him. From tomorrow on, I told myself, I wouldn't care
anymore and wait for him to show me his affection. Because it was there, I knew
it, I felt it, one just couldn't make someone express it. And that's what I was
trying to do, wasn't it? 

Before I crawled back in my bed, I'd taken two of the sleeping pills a doctor
had given to me long time ago. Back then I worried about other things and Die
had tried to soothe me with words and caresses, so that soon I dismissed the
pills that were still kept in the bathroom. Now if it was Die who I worried and
stressed about, who would soothe and caress me? 

Seeing him lying there asleep in our bed I wondered if he would even care if I
just died. Silly, I know. But thoughts like those invaded my mind more often
from then on. I tried to dismiss them and focus on what else apart from Die was
important in my life. I wouldn't have dared to get very close to my lover anyway
from that night on. So I buried myself in the work with the band and apparently
Die didn't mind. He sometimes even surprised me with dinner or a gift he had
bought somewhere, kissing my cheek and smiling at me like in the old times.
Rarely he really craved for me physically but whenever he did, I went like numb,
not knowing what to do. I guess he grew annoyed by my passive behavior, even if
admittedly I was just scared, so he either didn't touch me at all or just turned
me over, taking lead himself.

The latter fortunately didn't happen often though. Because I felt endlessly bad
for not liking it in the least. Not anymore. There were no gentle caresses, no
loving kisses, not even playful teasing; just sex. But still I hated myself for
not even appreciating his physical effort. 

It went on like this for weeks, and weeks turned into months. And as much as I
tried to distract myself from thinking, as hard as I tried to work, I often
failed, made mistakes and just fucked up. I had the drive to move the whole
world but whatever I did, the tiniest of failures became evident more often. 

One late night it was finally the bassist who approached me with concern. Die
had already gone home and so had Kyo and Shinya. As usual I was the last one
remaining, strumming strings of my guitar without passion.

"You're OK, aren't you?" Toshiya had dug his hands deep in his pockets, eyeing
me with worried eyes as he stood there, huge and tall as he was compared to me.
I just nodded to his question, feeling already small enough, but even more
thanks to me sitting there. "I mean, you and Die."

The words made my gaze snap up without even thinking. And then I didn't know
what to answer. I wanted to but couldn't. I just wanted to say 'Yes, of course
we are' but I wasn't able to voice out a lie like this. Shrugging I tore my eyes
of Toshiya and focused on my fingers. "What do you mean?"

I knew that he felt uneasy, shifting from one foot to the other, even if I
didn't face him. His eyes were locked on me though and like mechanically my
teeth clenched. No way I would tell him what had happened. "Just asking, Kao.
Because lately," he audibly sighed and sat down next to me, "your smile has
vanished."

That actually made me raise my eyes to look at him, a frown on my features. I
would've expected many things to be suspicious to the notice of my band-mates
but not that they'd realize my lack of smiles. Hell, I hadn't even noticed it
myself. "Is that so?"

"Yeah," he lowly said and shyly averted his gaze, knowing that I didn't like
intrusions in my private life. "Maybe I'm just imagining things and you can tell
me to shut up, but... it's just that you and Die always used to stick together
and nowadays his stupid jokes don't even tickle out the tiniest of reaction from
you. Or then I might just be stupid myself."

The thing was, and I hated that fact itself, that Toshiya was right and he
didn't imagine anything, nor was he stupid. Actually he had been very attentive
and obviously the only guy who cared. "We..." What was I supposed to say? Not
the truth, or at least not the whole truth, although I knew that I wanted to
finally let it out. But I couldn't. "It's nothing, really. Die and I... we
just..."

A sigh escaped me.

"Having a hard time?" He tried to help me, tried to catch my eyes with his and
make it easier for me to talk. "Or did anything happen?"

"No. No, we're just having a hard time. You know, sometimes relationships go
through good times and then bad times. The secret is to survive them." I gave a
reassuring nod, knowing fully well that I addressed the whole matter and yet not
even given a hint.

"I know. I'm just worried since... well, I've never seen you like this before
and you're with Die like forever," he pressed on without even intending to but
he slowly broke my barriers, step by step. Because it was the truth. Die and I
were one. He had always been mine and I was his. I had been his first man - he
had been mine. Why could he ever let anyone come between this? What we had was
so precious. Magical even. I could deny that it had happened for the rest of my
life but in the end it did happen and it hadn't just changed Die but most of all
me. However much I loved him, the same eyes would never stare back at him the
same way as before.

"We've changed, Die and me." I finally put my guitar aside and leant back
against the soft headrest of the sofa. "And I really think that there's no way
we can ever change back. One can only move forward and get accustomed to new
situations. That's basically what we're trying to do."

For a long moment Toshiya just gazed back at me and tried to make something of
my words, obviously not getting what I was trying to say at first. But then he
just nodded and bit his lower lip. "But that happened quite suddenly, no?"

"I guess." With a shrug I tried hard not to think of the reason why this had
happened. "I just... I miss him, badly. Although he's with me each day. And yet
we drift apart." My hands were cold as ice. I shouldn't have said that. A
forceful shudder ran down my spine.

The explanation clearly gave Toshiya more clues as he just reached out and put
an arm around me, whispering: "He'll realize it eventually. Maybe he misses you
just as much. Have you tried talking to him?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. There are just so
many things to figure out and I'm not even sure if I want to know more than I
do. Die knows just as much and I doubt he cares."

"That bad?" His voice was tiny and small as he cradled me within his arms and
just hugged me close. When words failed to come out, there still was a friendly
hug that told more than words ever could. I knew that Toshiya cared. He had
always cared about any of us and most of all me. 

I didn't answer to his question, just let myself be drawn into the embrace that
felt so unspeakably good. How much I had craved for Die to just pull me in his
arms and hug me lovingly the way he had formerly done. Running his palms up and
down my back, soothingly, just like Toshiya did it right now. Without words,
just the pleasant presence of another human body, exchanging affectionate
gestures. The safety Die's proximity had always given me, I now gained from
nobody else but Toshiya and it didn't feel bad at all; it felt good. My whole
being had been so in need of somebody to hold me, show some affection towards me
and maybe caress me a little, that when I closed my eyes I could imagine that it
would be Die.

Warmth flooded me, and finally I didn't feel as frozen as whenever I had been
with Die during these past weeks. Maybe it appears cruel to think like this, but
it was not as if I could've helped it, when my whole being was slowly absorbed
within the closeness that was Toshiya. He felt so good against my frame, also
when I put my cold lips against his warm and lush ones. God knew what I was
thinking but I longed and craved for the contact as if overpowered by something.


I didn't move, just waited for any reaction from my friend. But Toshiya showed
no initiative, not really an interest, but yet, he didn't push me away either.
So he was hesitating and I was well aware of the reason. If I tried really hard
on ignoring the fact that what I was doing was actually totally wrong, I were
left with the pure need of some body. But still there was Die in my head and I
had never been the type of man who believed in the famous 'eye for an eye' rule.
But undeniably there was the sparkle of vengeance burning within me as well. 

Pulling myself together, I struggled to get a grip and pulled away, just so far
that I could look at Toshiya. He was looking bewildered for sure and only once I
realized it, my own expression changed from longingly to sorry. I turned away
and whispered my apology, although I'm not sure if I was just sorry for myself.
"I shouldn't have done this."

Silence was the bassist's only reply. I cheated either way. No way I had meant
what I had said when actually I still wanted to just feel - one way or the
other. Suddenly there were large hands on my shoulders, then my head, turning me
to face Toshiya before he lowered his lips again on mine. It was the only sign I
needed, eagerly replying until he would surrender within our kiss. 

Passion. This was the first time in ages I did something with passion, although
it certainly didn't root within my sexual desire or even love, but just the need
to feel; feel as if I was adored, fancied and yearned for.

And in order to achieve what I longed for, I tried to put Toshiya into the same
misery. Desperate fingers entangled within his shirt, unbuttoning and tugging as
soon as I had straddled his hips and grinded mine into them. Rid of the shirt,
my palms roamed across his pale flesh that was much alike Die's, not as
well-confined but built a little stronger. By the time we broke the kiss, I
could feel Toshiya panting already, his hot breath tickling me as I moved my
lips to his throat. His low gasps didn't sound like Die's at all. 

He was supposed to be louder.

Skilled fingers unbuckled his belt and opened his pants, freeing hard flesh that
ran smoothly within my hand - not much different from the feel of Die. My shirt
got discarded somewhere on the floor before I slid down between Toshiya's
thighs, providing him with pleasure that let him finally mewl louder. Deafening
noise I wanted. Noise that deafened me when recalling my own sounds that still
rang in my ears by memory. 

"Kaoru..." Oh how I had wished that it had been Die's voice. "Oh god... I'm
gonna..."

A whimper finally alike Die's spilled from my friend's lips as I pulled away
abruptly, not granting him the bliss of his orgasm yet. I licked my lips and
grinned before I got up and unzipped my pants. "Turn over, Toshi."

Most likely he had no experience in doing it with men and I knew it damn well.
But unlike what my own lover had made me go through in the last dozen of weeks,
it was not my intention on making Toshiya pay for it. Not at all as, like I've
said, I wanted to feel loved or at least appreciated since the term 'love'
didn't match when speaking of Toshiya. So I attended to him thoroughly in every
way. 

That had probably been the most intense difference from fucking Die and it made
me feel as if someone had thrown me back in the good old days when he and I had
started to explore each other. "Louder, babe," I whispered the same way I had
done so many years ago, just with another man. But what it did matter when you
closed your eyes and just kept on thrusting into the hot tightness that could
blind a man just as much as being fucked. "Don't hold back."

Calloused fingertips ran across clammy and hot skin. Toshiya's slender frame let
his spine curve almost as beautifully as my boyfriend's. He just didn't push
back as hard. His pants and whimpers, gasps and screams came along with raw
moans, something that indeed I enjoyed very much as a pleasant change from low
but raspy grunts from a person who had usually demanded to get fucked harder.
Now, Toshiya didn't beg like this, no. 

But oh how beautifully his lean body appeared to resemble Die's...

My chest was still heaving from pants of air once I had released myself in
Toshiya. My eyes were closed and of course I imagined it to be Die, who was
trying to catch his breath, lost in his aftermath. Minutes passed and then, when
I opened my eyes, a forceful shiver sent goose-bumps all over my skin. I pulled
away from Toshiya and gathered my clothes as well as his since he - of course -
needed a bit more time to recover. 

And I could feel his eyes on me as I began to dress. I couldn't return the look,
not yet. Toshiya slowly started to get dressed as well, casting glances at me as
I sat down on the sofa and lit a cigarette. "Die mustn't know this."

The bassist nodded and pulled the shirt above his head. "Figures," he smiled,
got up and headed outside, just winking at me in an almost too friendly manner.
"See you, Kaoru."

I've had never felt as bad as in that very moment and for quite some time after
that encounter. 

...

Done the wrong thing, no doubt. Deceived Die, myself and Toshiya as well. But
awkwardly it was just the beginning of many encounters as Toshiya always
welcomed me with open arms whenever I was in need to feel again. For granted.
That made it even harder to pull myself out of this. Distraction. Substitute. 

Bearable again.

Die? I can't tell if he ever realized it and even if, I'm not sure if he would
even care. The crazy thing is that I don't want him to know and would never
confess it because I'd still be scared that he used the occasion as an excuse to
leave me. 

And maybe it wasn't me all the time.

Maybe... Die had been driven blind.




End of chapter three.




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