initium paenitentiae von aprileagle ================================================================================ Kapitel 1: ----------- "Cut me free, bleed with me, oh no One by one, we will fall, down down Pull the plug, end the pain, run'n fight for life Hold in tight, this ain't my fight" initium paenitentiae (by April Eagle) *** I have wanted this war. I have wanted it badly. Because they had killed our princess, our future, our hope. They had stolen us everything within just one night. Those bastards. Those Earthlings! Our princess. Serenity. A young woman of sixteen moon summers. A wonderful girl. A happy girl. She had always smiled, had always been happy with her friends, had always laughed so innocently. No, she should have never fell in love with that Earthling called Endymion. Maybe he was a prince, maybe he had the same status on Earth as Serenity had on the Moon, however, he was not worth to be more than just a political stranger to her. Someone she would meet now and then on a political meeting, no one else. No one special. We did not seen how they fell in love with each other. We, her best friends, her guardians, her defence - the Senshi of the Moon. No, we did not see her feelings for this idiotic Earthling, we did not notice their secret meetings until it was too late. Hell! Had we been that blind? We could... no, we should have protected her from the evil that stood behind this so called prince. Damn! He had not even been able to control his own people nor had he been able to care for Serenity's security. During one of their secret meetings an assassin surprised them - and killed them. Both of them. Our princess! Our light! The dearest person for all of us. I do not really know what happened exactly. Mars had been the first who found the secret couple - dead, lying in their own cold blood. I guess from that day on Mars had never been the same again, just like I had never been the same again. The assassin did not leave the Crystal Kingdom alive. I searched for him and killed him. Somehow his death could not stop my lust of revenge. They had killed our princess, I hated all Earthlings from the moment I entered Serenity's sleeping room at that morning, hearing a raging Mars and a sobbing Mercury. The other senshi were still asleep, because there had been a big ball the other night. We had have so much fun, we did drink a little bit too much vine - and let down our guard. Surely it was the music, maybe it was the alcohol we drank, definitely it were the games we played while we sat giggling around a silver table in the big hall, we did not hear the assassin, we did not hear the clatter of the deadly knives, we did not hear Serenity's desperate cries for help. I am certain that she did cry for help, because Mercury told us that she died after Endymion had been long dead. Great! That idiotic Earthling had not been able to protect her! As we had not been able to save her... Neptune had been by my side when we entered Serenity's sleeping room that morning, staring speechlessly at the blood covered blankets, into expressionless blue eyes. She had been the only one who felt also sorry for Endymion. It is thanks to her that he got a decent funeral and a proper grave - near Serenity's. To be honest, I did not understand her, and I still I do not see how this weak Earthling came to have a grave in the Crystal Kingdom, but it was Neptune's will and everyone else grieved so hard for Serenity that they were thankful that she took over the hard task in arranging the funeral. The Queen, Serenity's mother, died last year because of a long and painful illness and we all hoped for Serenity to take over her mother's task soon. But then, suddenly, Serenity also disappeared and we were left behind. Alone. Desperate. Full of hate. I will never forget the look in Neptune's eyes as I hunted that assassin and killed him with my powers. Silently she had asked me after I was finished with my work if it was enough now. If I had taken revenge on Serenity's death. If we could go on with our lives. Still I see her blue eyes, wide with shock at my reply. No, I did not want to understand her, I did not even really listen to her. The assassin's death was only the beginning for me. Hell! They had taken our future, the last of a very long dynasty of the Moon. There was no successor, there was no hope left for us. They had extinguished our precious light. They had to pay for that! I have wanted to see them dead. All of them! I have wanted to take away their hope as they had robbed ours. I have wanted to kill them all! My hate had been immense, just as my pain. To well I remember the day when I declared war to that treacherous planet called Earth. I had talked to the other senshi - and there had only been two against my decision in going down to earth and taking our revenge: Neptune and Saturn. It had hurt that they did not support my decision, but I did not listen to their begging. I did not want to hear their arguments for peace and forgiveness. Damn! There had been nothing to be forgiven! What those Earthlings had done was inexcusable. Whatever the Earthlings would have done, it would not have brought back our princess. Hell! They did not do anything at all, they did not even apologize. When I had talked to their leader - Prince Endymion's father - he even dared to laugh into my face. Neptune said during the battle with that sad look on her face I do not like to see on her, that it was terrible that Endymion's father did not even ask where his son was buried. I did not think about it then, because for me all Earthlings were the same: Mean, arrogant, ice cold killers. I would let them suffer for everything they had done to us! Sometimes it is strange to see the way history takes its forms. Somehow I had expected rain on Serenity's funeral, instead the sun was shinning. As it was shinning brightly at the day I declared war to our worst enemy: the Earthlings. I stood on the balcony afterwards and listened to some birds singing their song happily. The cherry trees - once a gift from our hated neighbour planet centuries ago - were in blossom and everything looked so... so... so peaceful. It had really been a bizarre situation: I had just declared war to another planet and my own kingdom kept blossoming peacefully as if nothing had happened. As if nothing would ever happen. As if nothing could ever change this peaceful, this happy moment. But there were two graves beneath the cherry trees that made me remember that everything had already changed. That there was no way back. I wanted revenge! I wanted to kill all those bloody bastards! Neptune asked me at this day for the last time to stop this silly war. Oh, we had a terrible fight. I called her a traitor and pulled her forcefully towards the two gravestones to remember her why we were going to war. Why we had to fight. Why we had to defend our planet before the Earthlings would kill even more of our kind. Why we had to take revenge for the future they had stolen us. Neptune only looked at me with her blue eyes for some moments in silence, then she only said that the Earth's future was also killed at that night. That Endymion died with Serenity and that both of them surely would not have supported such a war. Oh, I had been so angry with her. I could not, no, I did not want to understand her. However, she came with me - as always. She did not support this war and she did not want to fight against the Earthlings, but she did want to take care of me. Coldly she said that she did not want to lose her >stubborn idiot< and that she hoped that someone would kick my head hard enough to make my stupid ideas disappear. So we went into war. All together. All Senshis of the Moon - the inner and the outer, united in a mission to defend their home and to take revenge for their dead princess. Hell... I wish I would have listened to Neptune. As I had listened to her so often before in my life. But this time I had not, because this time they had killed someone dear. They had killed our princess - and they had to pay for it! Yes, they had to pay for it. And how they paid for it. How we paid for it... *** I have wanted this war. I have fought this war with all my might. Slowly I raise my aching head and cough as I inhale the smoke around me. Automatically I raise my hand to cover my mouth and when I lower it again I cannot distinguish any longer if it is my blood that is pasting to it. I cannot remember how many I have killed, but there had been nearly hundred Earthlings, maybe even more. My sword is bloody as well, my skirt is torn, my hair messy. My head aches even more as I try to stand up, but my legs do not support me. I stumble some steps before I fall on my knees again. It hurts. Incredibly, but I bit on my lower lip to stifle a scream. It had been a long and hard battle. The Earthlings had been prepared for us. They had cruel weapons, even crueller than we had expected. No, they do not have magical powers like we do. They cannot call for the wind, for lighting, for water. But they are able to call the devil with their guns, shells, and bombs. We fought with all our hate - so did they. I do not remember who fell first. I do not want to remember. Never again. Never... first there had been big losses on the Eartling's side. They did not expect us to use their own nature against them. One earthquake destroyed one of their big cities, a tsunami killed a big army. Then they responded with fire. But not the fire Mars knew. This one was hotter, deadlier. I think Mercury was the first, because she could not handle this fire with her water skills. Jupiter tried to help her, but it was too late. Mercury died in her arms. I cannot remember ever having seen Jupiter cry. That moment I did. Damn! I should have stopped right there before there had been more victims. I should have finished that war at that moment when Mercury left us forever. I should have, but I did not. Mercury's death was another piercing pain in my heart, feeding the fire of revenge in my soul. My hate grew and I fought harder than before. I throw my sword away and try to support myself on a broken broomstick. I am sitting of the remains of an old house. It was made out of stones. Now I stumble over them while I try to get away from this place. From this hell. Although I know I will never be able to. We got separated. The rest of the inner senshi were suddenly gone just like Pluto. I have no idea what happened to her. She is able to control time or at least to try to use it - but that would be her death. Neptune was the only one by my side. She was very pale and held her mirror tight in her hands. The class was already shattered and tears burned in her eyes. For a moment the whole world turned into a strange white-black screen, but it only lasted for a few seconds, then it was over. Two tears escaped Neptune's eyes and I have never heard her voice being so cold as she looked directly at me and said only one sentence. >Pluto tried it.< Pluto tried it. She did not have to explain what she meant. It was obvious. Pluto had tried to turn back time, to go back to save Serenity, but she had failed. Of course she had failed. She was the keeper of the gate of time, not its owner! She was forbidden to ever misuse her powers for her own wishes, but she ignored the prohibition and risked her life to save Serenity - and us - but had to take the punishment. I hope it had been a painless, a quick death. Not like Neptune's... I humble over a broken door and try hard to hold back my own tears. It is rare that I have to cry. I am the senshi of the wind, I do not show my feelings so openly. I did not even cry when we had to bury our princess. Our dear princess... But only the memory of Neptune's suffering makes me weak with hate and desperation. I wince as I hear another missile going down somewhere in the part of this damned Earth! However, it is one of their last, because they are done, they are defeated. Just the way we are defeated. There are hardly any humans alive - just as I am the last of the Moon Senshis. All of them died. All of them... even Neptune. My Neptune... It had been my fault. I did not take enough attention and she pushed me out of the line. The bullet that was meant for me hit her instead. I will never forget those seconds when she fell down. Down on a dirty ground which was already covered with bodies. Bodies of those hatred Earthlings! I killed the soldier who shoot at her and came to help her. However, one look at the wound and I knew that she would not survive the next hour. Here was no hospital, the Crystal Kingdom was far away. I could not take good care for her, besides, no doctor could take good care for a patient who had a big whole in his chest... Neptune fought hard. She survived another three hours. We both found shelter in an old building that did not have a roof any longer, but the walls were still standing. Between the splinters of broken windows and some more bodies I held her tight. Neptune. My love... She did not blame me. No, she did not say something like >I've told you that you're wrong.< or >That's our fair punishment.< She did not say those sentences, although I would have deserved to hear them. No, she only held on me, held on life until the very last second and told me more than once how much she loved me. That she would wait in the next life for me. That we would find each other again, no matter how long it would take, no matter where it would be. No matter what it would cost. And that I should take care of our daughter. Our daughter. Saturn. Our little one. I cannot hold the broomstick any longer. My fingers are always slipping from the blood on it, from the blood on them. My right arm feels as if it is broken, but I do not care as I go on my knees again. Right in front of a cradle. The wood used to be a light brown, surly with nice pictures on it. Now it is dark, probably burned-out. The curtain is torn, the blanket greyish. It covers something. Someone... I turn away and throw up. Some more tears run over my face, leaving burning traces on my cheeks. Our little one... Saturn had been a small baby when Neptune and I adopted her. Her real parents died because of a tragic accident and after we asked the Queen for permission we took care for the little senshi. Oh, she had been so cute, our whole pride. Serenity and the other senshi loved it to play with her and to be her aunts. And to spoil her and to try to raise her a little bit differently than Neptune and I did. My dear Saturn... I have no idea where she is. She had been right behind us, shortly before Pluto tried to use her magic... Did she see Pluto die? Her beloved aunt? Did she... I choke again at the idea of really having brought my child to this battle, to see all this misery, all the dead people, all the hate. How shall I face her again? How shall I face Saturn and tell her that her beloved aunts are all dead? How shall I tell her that her mommy died? That I blew up the house where she took her last breath? That it was all my fault? Because I did not pay enough attention? Because I had not been able to protect her, as I had not been able to defend myself properly? Because I started this war... *** I have wanted this war. I have fought until the very end. "It used to be such a nice planet." I wince as I hear the low voice behind me. Quickly I turn around and almost faint, because of the raging pain in my head. My left eye is blind and I wonder if it is only swollen or if I really lost it. But to be honest, it is alike to me. As so much more became alike after seeing all of my friends' bodies. After seeing my love dying. "As you used to be such a proud soldier, Sailor Uranus." I force myself to me legs and do not even notice how a fragment rips open my right calf. Hot blood runs down my leg but I force myself to go to the person standing in front of me. "Saturn..." I know that I am not talking to my daughter any longer. Saturn used to be twelve moon winters old - you brought a twelve year old child to a war??? - this woman in front of me looks like twenty. She looks so much older than me. In fact she is. Because now I am not talking to my little one any longer, but to the real Sailor Saturn, to the senshi of death, of destruction. Her body was reborn for a thousands of times, but her soul is immortal. She is said to be millions of years old. One look in her cold purple eyes tells me that she is that old, and that wise. The scythe sparkles in her hands. Its blade is clean, probably the only weapon on this planet that is not covered with blood and... other stuff... "They've killed our princess. They've killed Serenity." I do not know why I start to protest. Maybe it is the look in her eyes that urges me to do so. Although I know that it is a weak protest. Surely she sees that not even I am able to believe in my hollow words any longer. "As they have killed their own prince." As I have killed all of my friends, my whole family by sending them into this senseless war. Saturn does not have to say those words, I can see them clearly in her purple eyes. Her scythe shimmers red in the light of the setting sun. Like fire, like blood. It is going to be the last day, I know that. I know Sailor Saturn's real task. She is not here to protect the portal of time, nor is her destiny to serve and protect her kings and queens. She only appears when there is no hope left. No future. Nothing. Then she appears like a phoenix. Under her scythe's stroke everything turns into ashes... and if she is merciful the world will raise from it again. To have a new chance, to make things better... or to repeat its mistakes again... We would have never needed her if I would not have started this war... "There is no other senshi left." It is not a question. Sailor Saturn already knows my answer. Again some tears run over my cheeks and I go back on my knees - for the last time. I know that I do not have enough strength to rose again before everything is going to end. My arm is broken and my fuku soaked with blood - not only the one of my so called enemies. "As there are only a few humans left." Sailor Saturn lowers her head and continues to stare at me. "They're all as bad injured as you are." There is no hate, no reproach in Sailor Saturn's look. Only sadness and regret. Suddenly I wonder how often she had seen such a scene before her immortal eyes: A destroyed world, covered with blood and dead bodies. And I wonder how often she has to see it again. "I will see you in the next life..." Sailor Saturn hesitates then she bows slightly forward and strokes over my cheeks. It is almost like caressing. "... daddy." As she pulls back I can see blood on her white gloves - my blood. I want to grab that hand, to hold her back, to ask her for forgiveness. For having killed her family for the second time, for having let her seen all this hate, all this misery. But she only shakes her head and steps backwards. Then she raises her scythe over her head and I can see two tears running down her pale cheeks. How often does she have to do this again? How often does her immortal soul have to suffer like this again? How often will we fight again? For nothing? For a revenge that would not have brought back our princess? For certain death? Bright light fills my world and I close my burning eyes. My head seems to explode, sudden heath covers my body and I want to scream. But all I can hear is Sailor Saturn's immortal cry. Timeless, endless. I fall back on the hard ground and suddenly wish my Neptune to be by my side. I am dying, I feel it. As this whole world is dying... for another time. Probably not for the last time. Yes. I have wanted this war. God. What have I done? *** "Man to man, soldier to soldier, dust to dust Call me a coward but I can't take it anymore" Disclaimer: The anime "Sailor Moon" and all its characters belong to Takeuchi Naoko. The song "Tenth Men Down" belongs to Nightwish. In war there are no winners. April Eagle Written: 20th March - 24th March 2003 Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)