Repression   von <span style='color: gray;'>abgemeldet</span>
================================================================================
                                  Kapitel 1: 
                                  -----------


Ich hatte Langeweile und das ist das Resultat ^-^v
Auf Englisch, weil ich diese Sprache klasse finde und einfacher in ihr zu
schreiben...
Ansonsten: das Übliche-> die Jungs gehören sich selbst, ich kenne sie nicht,
ich kriege kein Geld. Nur die story is mir^^

Musik: Phantasmagorias´ lost in thought

Übrigens: Die´s POV

~: thoughts










„Die....Die are you okay?“

A knocking on the door.

„Die?! Answer me goddamned!“

„I am fine Kaoru. I want to pee so would you please stop hammering on the door
like that? That is fucking annoying!“ I said, sounding much more pissed than I
actually wanted to.

„You´ve been in there for about half an hour...I was just concerned...“

„As I said, I am fine.“ 

I looked at the closed door hoping to be able to hear footsteps....hoping that
he would leave...
A few moments later I heard  footsteps distancing from the door. I sighed. I
felt sorry for being that rude towards Kaoru but sometimes he was just  too
concerned....



~Really? Isn´t he perfectly right with being concerned?~




I sighed again and looked up at my reflection. I looked horrible. My  skin was
pale, dark shadows underlined my eyes and my hair looked like shit. I hadn´t
been dying it for nearly three weeks now. Even Shinya started to tease me over
that.  Beyond that I became even more skinny than I had already been before. To
sum it all up: lack of sleep ,lack of food, lack of energy, lack of..lack
of...everything...
All I had were these memories....and too much of them...I tried to ignore them,
repress them...but failed miserably.



~„I am back home!...“~
~NO! Don´t think about it! Don´t think about it!~



No..not now.... I pressed my head against the  bathrooms´ cool  wall. My
breathing was unsteady....as always when the memories overwhelmed me....but I
wasn´t alone. The guys sat in the room next to this one. Waiting for me to come
over and watch this strange movie with them. I sighed again. 

With one last look into the mirror, I left the bathroom to join my friends.
However not without plastering a wide smile on my face before. 


„Gosh Die what the hell have you been doing in there? Oh wait..don´t tell
me... I don´t want to know it!“ Toshiya started to giggle. It was
unbelievable how childish this 30 year old guy was. I hit him slighty on the
head.

„Idiot!“

„Why are you hitting me all the time?“

„Because you deserve it ,Totchi.“

„Stop calling me that. I am 30 years old,damned!“

„Than start acting like that“

„Guys, i really want to watch this movie.“ Shinya sighed.

„Than do it.“ Toshiya said.

„ I meant watching AND hearing!“ Shinya sounded annoyed. How easy it was to
annoy this man. Of course he would never admit to be annoyed.

I  sat down next to Kaoru who offered me a beer. The glare Shinya gave us was
ignored.
The movie was really....interesting, so I didn´t pay too much attention. I felt
that Kaoru was watching me. This man always knew if the smile on my face was a
true one or not.
I just hoped that he wouldn´t start trying to talk with me about my....lack
of....enthusiasm concerning....everything. I wasn´t even in a mood to play my
guitar or spending time with my lover. The thoughts in my head were always
circling about these memories of mine. And I wished so bad that they
wouldn´t....

„ Die can I talk to you for a sec?“ Kaoru looked at me with his
Don´t-even-think-of-saying-no look. So I obeyed and followed him into the
kitchen. I knew what would come,but....in the end...he couldn´t force me to
talk to him, could he?



~You know that he is always making you talk...~




I ignored my thought and looked at Kaoru.
„What is it?“ I said.

„Well...actually that was what I wanted to ask you. I watched you in the last
few weeks Die. Did you really think that noone would recognize how bad you
feel?“

„Kaoru I am totally fine, I...“

„No you are not!“ he stared at me. „I know you for 12 fucking years now
and I never saw you like that...and it scares the shit out of me to be honest.
So please,please tell me what is going on!“ he was nearly pleading. 
I never saw him pleading. THAT scared the shit out of ME.

I managed a smile. „You don´t have to be concerned. Really. I´m fine.“ I
didn´t sound very persuasive.

„Die....I may be repeating myself but I know you since 12 years. And I know it
when you feel depressed. You could nearly say I FEEL it when you feel like shit.
So open your mouth and tell me....so I can help you..“

The look in his eyes was so full of hurt. I never knew why...possibly because he
felt rejected ´cause i didn´t talk to him up to that point.

Slowly I breathed in. I knew that it wouldn´t make any sense to deny that
something was wrong. If Kaoru wanted to find something out...he normally did.
 „You can´t help me Kaoru.....Yeah....something IS wrong but I am not telling
you what. I never talked about that before and I am not going to start it now. I
am going to repress it again and being back to Die again. Just give me a few
more days.“

„Die I don´t want you to repress it, I want you to get through
this....whatever it is...since I don´t know what it is, because you don´t
trust me enough for telling me“ the last sentence was more whispered then
spoken, but in Kaorus case that was a sign for anger.

„Kaoru don´t be stupid. I told you I NEVER talk about this. And you are no
exception“

„ I am stupid? Sorry that I am concerned when my best friend is walking around
as if  his lover died. I thought I know you....“

„You DO know me Kaoru.....but not this part of my past. Please don´t force me
to talk about it. Maybe one day I will....but not now....especially not here....
in Shin-chans kitchen.“

He smiled at the mentioning of the  nickname Shinya hated so much.

„I am sorry....“

„You don´t have to be. I am a lucky guy to have friend like you“

„Are you two going to marry or what? Am I disturbing? Should I go off buying
some champaign?“ Shinya entered the kitchen looking at us suspiciously. It was
cute how easily he would become jealous. He would never admit being jealous,
though.

I went over to him and embraced him. „ Oh Shin-chan. I just love you , you
know that!“

He mumbled something, gave me a chick kiss on the cheek and left the kitchen
again.  We were a strange couple. Really.
Especially because we were never talking to each other about our problems. We
just didn´t.

I sighed.

„Another beer Mr. I-love-my-bandmate?“ Kaoru chuckled.

„Yes Mr.
I-love-a-certain-bass-player-since-i-saw-him-for-the-first-time-but-i-am-such-a-chicken-that-i-will-never-tell-him!“
I grinned.

Kaoru mumbled something incomprehensible and walked over to the refrigerator  to
get himself another beer.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


End of Chapter 1
C&C please^^



                                  Kapitel 2: 
                                  -----------


next chapter.....didn´t really turned out like I wanted...but hey...that´s
life ~.^
comments would be nice,by the way

it´s not only Dies POV now,but Shinyas too...but it is not confusing^^I
promise


*********




Bathed in sweat I woke up. My heartbeat was as  ridicolously fast as my
breathing was. I was trembling, too.
My eyes felt sore....had I been crying in my sleep again?



~ gosh....how much I hate this....~



I tried to calm down. I had had one of my nightmares again. After 3 days of
absolutely no sleep I had been able to fall asleep at least....but the price had
been high.... I looked at the sleeping figure next to me. Shinya mumbled
something in his sleep...too cute...

I stood up as quietly as I could, walked over to the door and left for the
living room.
After a few moments I found what I had been looking for...my cigarettes. 
In any other case I wouldn´t have dared to smoke within my and Shinyas
apartment, but at the moment I didn´t care about Shinya and his aversion to
cigarettes.

I sat on the couch, inhaling deeply. I knew that I had to do something about
this....



~you´re to scared to do something...you know what happend the last time....you
cannot do that to Shinya~




Shinya.....I didn´t even dare to think about  how Shinya would react if he
would find out. It wasn´t that I thought that Shinya would reject me or leave
me then or anything....I was just scared of the look in Shinyas eyes. From the
very beginning I had been loving Shinyas eyes the most. So dark brown and full
of mysteries.



~gosh...how much I love him....and still I never told him...I am such an
asshole...~



A single tear found its way down my left cheek. I wiped it away quickly.




~get a grip! As if he would be telling you anything!.....But does he have a
secret like that?~




I laid down on the small couch, lighting another cigarette. I had had these
thoughts for about a thousand times the last few weeks. It was driving me insane
that I wasn´t able to stop it....



„You start to scare me, Die..“

I sat up on the couch, turning my head to see Shinya standing in the frame of
our bedroom door. He wore one of my Tshirts and boxers. Why Shinya preferred
sleeping in my clothes than in his own was still a mystery to me.

„What?....Why?...“ I stumbled confused.

„You aren´t acting like yourself. Not at all. You are  smoking in our
apartment.....You don´t sleep....You don´t eat...You don´t play your guitar
if it is not for practise or a live. You don´t even want sex anymore.“ 
Shinya walked over and sat next to me on the couch.

„And I found something in your cupboard Die....I was searching for a pair of
socks you know....I didn´t mean to snoop around....“

He looked at me. His facial expression was unreadable.

I guess my face was easy to read though. It probably showed pure horror...


~No..please...he couldn´t have found it...please god no....~


Shinya was still looking at me. I felt tears building up.  Neither did I know
what to say nor to do. So I just sat there....waiting for Shinya to do
something.


„Why do you have a syringe in your cupboard Die?“ Shinyas voice was
trembling lighty.

„As if you wouldn´t know the anwser..“ I whispered. Was it all over now?

„So you are really a fixer? Or were? I never saw any....“

„I was one Shinya...and that was a long time ago...“

„Are you going to tell me why you did drugs?“ although his voice was steady
now, tears had started to fall from Shinyas beautiful eyes.

I breathed heavily. It broke my heart to see Shinya crying. Especially because I
caused it.
Slowly I started explaining. I owed him that much.

„Well....there are some parts about my past that you don´t know....that noone
knows....except my mother and the doctors in the treatment centre...I started
taking drugs with...I dunno....thirteen maybe.....was hospitalized quite alot in
my early life....not one of them asked what happened...they didn´t care I
think....just as my mother....“ My voice broke. I stared into space, crying
silently.
Shinya leaned over and embraced me. He was crying too. He started to stroke my
hair. To calm me I guess.

„Why have you been hospitalized?“ he asked softly.


I stood up abruptly, wiping away my tears.

„´Cause ....because...nothing Shinya...it is not important. It was a long
time ago. I don´t want to talk about this. Please...I am begging you...forget
about it...you don´t have to be scared....I am not taking drugs anymore...no
need to be upset.“ I tried to smile. It was not my best attempt to do so.


Shinya sighed. He knew that it was hard to make me to talk since I was
incredibly stubborn, but this time was different. This topic....whatever it was
about was really bothering me. And he knew that. So he wouldn´t give up. He
would ask again.

„Of course I am upset. I love you, you idiot . But I am not going to force you
to tell me anything. If you want me to know, you´ll tell me.“


~thanks Shinya....now I am feeling like the number one asshole of the world...~



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

end of chapter 2



                                  Kapitel 3: 
                                  -----------


Sooooo hier hätten wir dann das dritte Kapitel…..tut mir leid, dass es so
ewig lang gedauert hat >-<
Aber….ich war nicht in Stimmung hier dran weiter zu schreiben….aus
verschiedenen Gründen…..
Es ist nicht wirklich so geworden wie ich das wollte…..aber….war ja beim
letzten Kapitel auch so xD
Lange Rede kurzer Sinn…..Kommis fänd ich toll xD

( Hoffe das Kapitel gefällt euch Oo)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Die turned in his sleep. Again and again. Every now and then he moaned. 
Shinya didn´t know for how long he has been watching Die in his sleep. Since
the day Die told him about his past Shinya waited for Die to open up more to
him….to tell him the whole story….but Die didn´t. He just pretended that
everything was okay, was joking as usual, smoking as usual, practicing as
usual….just sex they didn´t have. And Shinya was starting to get nervous
about that. Really. It was three weeks since Die told him about his drug
addiction and even for weeks before that they weren´t having sex
anymore….That was just…not normal for Die….Die was someone who wanted a
lot of sex….honestly…(not that Shinya would mind, though)…and it started
to scare Shinya more from day to day that Die never tried to touch him. He
sighed while caressing Dies left cheek.
Maybe it was his own fault. Maybe Die didn´t trust him enough….maybe he was
still too reserved towards Die…it would be a lie if Shinya would say that he
talked a lot about himself….
Die moaned again. Shinya gave Die a kiss on the forehead and stood up from the
bed walked to the door and with one last look back to his lover he closed the
door leaving Die alone with his nightmare.


Flashback~

“Daisuke! Move your ass! I told you about 15 minutes ago to clean the kitchen!
Do you think I was joking? Do you think I am a joke?!”

The boy looked at his father with fear. He was 16 years old and since he could
remember beaten up nearly every day. With him growing up the beating got worse
and worse. He had problems with covering his injuries. A few of his teachers had
already noticed; he was sure of that. How couldn´t they….with him having
bruises all over his body….

“I am sorry! I will do it immediately!” he rushed over to their kitchen and
started putting the dishes into the dishwasher.

“Yeah…now you are doing it. Can´t you keep anything in your head? Are you
too stupid? Definitely you are. You worthless thing….now clean the place
properly. And where the hell is this whore that you are calling your mother?”


His father left the kitchen but not without hitting him hard on the head before.
But his fathers´ word hurt him more. Actually he must have been used to them
since his father was telling him stuff like that every day….but he wasn´t.

“As if I would call her “mother” ….” He mumbled quietly to himself
while cleaning the table.
His mother never showed any interest in protecting her son. Although they were
suffering the same…
Or lets´ say nearly the same. Die knew that his mother was sexually abused. He
could hear her screaming and pleading whenever his father took her without her
permission. But what could he do? To be honest he was way too scared that it
could happen to him as well as that he would have tried to stop him…and the
fact that his mother never protected him when his father hit him again wasn´t
something that made him help her. Maybe it was cruel to think something like
that…but it was the way he felt….

After finishing the table he made his way to his bedroom. He tried to avoid his
father as much as he could…quite difficult since his father was unemployed
most of the time.

He closed his bedroom door as quietly as possible and lied down on his bed. He
needed a cigarette.Right now.
Could he dare to smoke inside of his room when his father was around? As if it
would make a difference though….his father never needed a reason to beat him
up to unconsciousness. 

He made his way over to his cupboard to get his cigarettes and lit one. He could
hear his parents fight again about something…if it was because of him or one
of his brothers or something else he couldn´t tell.
He had 5 brothers…. But not one of them was treated like him….They were
screamed at and sometimes their father would slap their faces….but he wasn´t
beating them up…life was unfair….
It´s not that he wanted the same for them…he just wanted the same for
himself…he wanted to be treated more or less nicely…
However he never was and never will….not with this kind of parents….he was
sure of that.

His mother started yelling again….something crashed on the wall…

`They should stop throwing around their belongings when fighting….they don´t
have the money to buy new stuff` he thought while lighting another cigarette.


“DAISUKE!!!!!!”

“What the hell did I do now?” he mumbled while moving towards his window and
throwing his cigarette out.

“DAISUKE! MOVE YOUR STUPID LITTLE ASS OVER HERE!”

He rushed over to his parents´ bedroom. Another thing that he never wanted to
see… his mother lied nearly naked on their bed….fresh bruises covered her
body and she cried heavily.

“Clean that mess up while I care for your mother…” his father said to
him.

Die stood still…his father wouldn´t really  rape his mother in front of
him….would he? Too scared of what he thought would follow he didn´t move. A
bad mistake. 

After his father realized that Die wasn´t cleaning, he rushed over and slapped
him that hard in the face that Die fell to the floor in between the pieces of
what looked like some porcelain figure.
He got some deep cuts from them but his father continued hitting him until his
mother was screaming that loud that his fathers´ attention changed back to
her.

“What are you yelling at? You never cared if I beat him up. So shut the fuck
up woman!”

“Just….leave him alone….he is already injured…….” His mother
whispered.

`What? He didn´t hit me THAT hard that I should start halluzinating` Die
thought. Was she trying to protect him? For the very first time?

“Don´t you ever dare to tell me what to do again woman” his father gave her
a deadly glare.

Immediately she was quiet, looking at him in pure horror.
He rushed over to his wife and and slapped her face. Die stood still. He has
never been that scared before in his whole life.
The beating continued. His mother yelled in pain, but he didn´t stop. Her nose
was bleeding Die could see that although it was dark in the room. Helpless he
stood there. Tears were building up. He didn´t know why he was crying….. was
it because of the freshly bruises he got? Or was it because his mother was about
to be killed?

`Fuck he is going to kill her`

“Stop it already!” Die screamed. He had said that before he even thought
about it. He knew he was in great danger now….his father wouldn´t let him go
this time…..he was sure of that.

“What the hell is wrong with you two today? A little conspiracy or what? Since
when are you allowed to tell me what you think? Since when do I care what you
think?” while saying this, his father moved closer and closer….he and his
voice were strangely calm.

Die shivered in fear. He wouldn´t get out of this. He would kill him. He knew
that. Without thinking it over he crashed a vase over his fathers´ head and ran
out of the room. All he needed to reach was the front door… his father would
never do anything to him in front of their neighbours.
However his father was faster than Die expected him to be. When he reached the
staircases´ landing he was pushed so he nearly flew down the staircase. When
Die crashed to the floor he felt his nose break but he didn´t feel any pain.
All he wanted was to get out. Out of the house, the situation, this family.
While trying to stand up someone grabbed his hair.

“Where the hell do you think you are going? We aren´t ready here you son of a
bitch!” and his father dragged him into the cellar.
Die stumbled over his own feet a few times and his father pushed him finally to
the ground.

“So….since you interrupted me while I was trying to have some fun with your
mother…I think…you should be the one giving me some pleasure now.” His
father grinned. He really seemed to enjoy the whole situation.

`No….he won´t….he can´t…help me someone…please….mom…help me´

Die stood up quickly. Looking around for anything that could help him. His
father looked at him amused.

“What are you doing? Do you think you can escape? Or fight against me? How
ridiculous you are….just like your mother….do you think she will come to
help you? No she won´t. She is happy that I will take you instead of her.”

Die moved a few inches away; still looking around. All he could find to defend
himself was a screwdriver.

`Better than nothing´

He rushed over and grabbed it.

“Don´t come near me!” he yelled.

His father burst out in laughter.

“A screwdriver! Oh my god….I am SO scared. And now stop this shit and come
over…if you are nice it won´t hurt THAT much….”

“Forget it! I won´t let you fuck me you perverted paedophile!”

The expression on his fathers face changed from amusement to anger again.
Without saying a word he rushed over to Die and kicked him into the stomach. Die
fell to the floor coughing heavily…the screwdriver still in his right hand.

“How dare you? I told you…you could have had it the nice way…or the
hard….you chose the latter…” and he started to undo Dies´ pants.

“NO!” Die screamed, but his father just hit him again and went on undoing
his own pants.

“Get the fuck away from me! Let me go!” and with these words he rammed the
screwdriver into his fathers chest.


End of Flashback~


Bathed in sweat, I awoke. 



end of chapter 3



                                  Kapitel 4: 
                                  -----------


here we go....eigentlich sollten noch mehr als ein kapitel folgen...aber...ich
wusste nicht wo ich das unterteilen sollte etc...und um ehrlich zu sein hab ich
auch keine lust mehr auf die FF...von daher....ein kapitel mit 75% fortschritt
xD das ende ist auf susis mist gewachsen..ich hab ihr die entscheidung
überlassen ob die beiden sich trennen oder nicht.....

dann noch mal das übliche: die jungs gehören sich, ich bekomme (leider) kein
geld hierfür..es entspringt alles nur meinem kranken,übermüdeten gehirn

zum abschied lass ich mal keckse da^^ selbst für die schwarz-leser...falls es
die geben sollte xD

viel spass damit und teilt mir fehler bitte mit...wie gesagt..ich schlafe fast
nicht und darunter leidet meine grammatik bestimmt...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It had to be nearly midday when I awoke. Shinya had let me sleep in. Very
unusual for Mr. Punctuality, especially because we had practice today. And
obviously he had left without me. Another mysterious fact. Shinya had never gone
to practice without me (at least not since they were living together).
Not thinking about it any further I stood up from the bed and made my way to the
bathroom for a quick shower. I avoided looking into the mirror. I didn’t need
to see my reflection to know that I looked horrible.
I enjoyed the shower; the warmth of the water calmed me down a little. Maybe I
was even a little bit more relaxed now. 


´fascinating after a night like this`


I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. It was time to call
my boyfriend and ask him why he didn’t wake me up earlier the morning.

While looking for my mobile around the flat I found a note in the kitchen, right
next to the coffee machine. Placed there to make sure Die, THE caffeine junky,
would find it. 


-	I´ll be back at 7p.m. , we need to talk. Shinya-


`What the heck?`


No “I love you”, no “call me when you are awake”, nothing. Just facts.
There have always just been two reasons for Shinya being THAT cold towards me.
Possibility one was, that I fucked something up and the second possibility
was…well….that I fucked something up. 



`What did I do? Did I forget to clean the kitchen? I didn’t even use the
kitchen yesterday except for making coffee. Did I forget our anniversary? No I
never did that. Did I flirt with Toshiya again? No, last time I flirted with him
his hair was still blue. Did I mention another name in my sleep?`



“Oh my god….” I nearly collapsed at the mere thought of Shinya knowing
what I had done. That I had killed my father. Even if it had been self defence.
And even if I probably saved my and my mothers´ life. And even if my father had
deserved what he had got. 


`He will break up. He will leave me. He can’t cope with this. And how could I
blame him? I can’t even cope with this myself.`



Without me noticing it tears were streaking down my face. I started sobbing like
a child when my own thoughts finally fully reached him.

“Shinya….I am sorry. I love you…”


“I love you, too Die….”

I turned his head in disbelief. The fact that Shinya wasn´t expected to be back
at this hour was totally forgotten.



`How can he say that?`




“What?”


“I said that I love you…and that wasn´t the first time that I did. Although
the reaction is the same. Why are you asking? And why are you crying sweetcup?
And what are you sorry for?”



`Sweetcup?`



Shinya went over to me and embraced me from behind, nuzzling his face in my
neck.
I was totally confused. Had I been that sure Shinya would leave me. Was there a
chance that I hadn’t been talking in my sleep? But why would Shinyas´ note be
as it is when I hadn’t been?


“Shinya…why are you here? I mean I am more than happy to see you I thought
you would leave me after finding out what happened but how can you say that you
love me…”

“Die….what the hell are you talking about?” he turned me a little to be
able to look into my eyes. “What´s wrong with you? You weren’t yourself for
months now…and I am not going to let you go on with this, especially not after
last night.” I breathed in heavily.  “You mumbled incomprehensibly all the
way long so I let you sleep in today and left you that note. Did that uncertain
you?  And by the way….there is absolutely nothing that could make me leave
you. Nothing.”

Stunned by Shinyas´ confession I wasn’t able to say anything. I just sat
there looking at him. 

`He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. Thank God.`


“Except from staring at me you could tell me what’s wrong with you. And this
time you won’t get out of this without telling me. You just mentioned yourself
that there is something to find out and I know that you hate being pushed to
talking just like me but it seems as if you would never open your mouth even if
I would wait a hundred years. And the fact that you’re sitting in our kitchen
dressed in a towel crying tells me that it is indeed something serious.”
Shinya knew he was cruel and forcing Die to no end but he didn’t see any other
way. 


“Shinya….I can’t. You will leave me if you know…..”

“No I am not….please tell me.” He tried the best mix of seriousness and
calming affect he could build up. Reassuringly he started to play with Dies´
hair.

“Please…trust me…..tell me….” he whispered.

I turned my head and let my eyes wander around the kitchen. The sun was shining
trough the window, the birds were chirping and I could hear the traffic going on
down on the street. It could have been a total normal day…


`I have to tell him….I love him…he has to know it…he deserves to know the
truth about the man he believes to love…´


I breathed in slowly and started talking. Finally. After 16 years of silence.

“I killed him…my father I mean….he abused me and my mother…one day
he….he…tried to rape me….and I killed him. Just like that. Rammed a
screwdriver into his heart…I didn’t even mean to kill him…I just wanted to
defend myself….was the only thing I could find…after that I was
hospitalized…. needed psychological treatment they said…had some kind of
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome….wasn´t talking for weeks….they let me out
after one year… I couldn’t cope with the world outside….couldn´t cope
with what I had done….my mother didn’t want me back…she told me I am
insane and dangerous and that I would be like my father…she never said ´thank
you´ for me probably rescuing her life…I never saw any of my brothers
again….that was when I started doing drugs….everything I could get…I even
prostituted myself…got clean when I was around 20…and started a new
life….or at least I thought so….”

I turned over to Shinya again. He didn’t look at me. He stared at some point
next to the window. Tears were streaming down his cheeks; dropping into the
curve of his collarbone. His eyes seemed empty.

“And then I met you….Shinya?.... Please say something. Yell at me, hit me or
I don’t know what….but please…..”


“I don’t know what to say Die…..I don’t know what I should think and I
don’t know what I should do….” He was trembling.


`I scare him´



“I am sorry….for everything….for lying to you… for making you fall in
love with me in the first hand. I should never let it happen. You should be with
someone who is worth of your love….I´ll leave….also the band….you will
never have to see me again….” I stood up leaving for the bedroom trying as
hard as I could not to break down. I lost the love of my life. And as if this
wouldn’t be hard enough I also lost my place in the band. I could never play
for someone else than these four guys. So my private life was over and my
working life as well.


´Just like 16 years ago´

I just packed a few things together…as best as I could with trembling hands
and the tears that were blurring my sight. I turned to leave when I saw
Shinyas´ sleeping shirt lying on his side of the bed. I went over and inhaled
the scent of his. Then I packed the shirt into my bag and turned to leave
finally. I couldn’t stand being in here any longer. I needed to get out of
here and break down. 


´ Where should I go?´


I walked past the kitchen; Shinya was still sitting there, staring seemingly
blankly into space. He was still crying soundlessly. How much I wanted to
comfort him, tell him that everything would turn out fine and beg him to forgive
me but I had done enough to Shinya…


´Good-Bye my one and only love….I´ll never forget you. I love you´



With this thought I took the few remaining steps towards the front door and
opened it.


“DIE!”

I stood still. I couldn´t think of anything that he would still want from me. 

“Die?! Don’t go! Please!”

´what?´

I heard footsteps. And then a hand touched my shoulder hesitantly.

“Please Die…. stay….”

“Why? Shinya…I did so much to you….I am more a burden than anything else
to you….I don’t want to get you further involved in this as you are now….I
love you too much for this…”


“If you love me… you really love me….then stay. I won’t let this destroy
what we have. I love you. I don’t care…You are not dangerous, you are not
insane and you are no murderer…it was self-defence…and I won’t let anybody
tell me what to think….not even you. I love you. I want to help you through
this, I will support you….please…turn over…look at me…I want to look
into those beautiful brown eyes that I love so much…..”

And so I did. Even if I couldn’t really get what Shinya had just been saying.



´He still loves me? How do I deserve this?´


Shinyas´ face was wet with tears but his eyes as his lips were smiling warmly
at him. Was it love I could see in his eyes?

“Die? Say something please….”

“I…I don’t know...what to say….I….am confused….totally….you
don’t want me to leave?”

Shinya closed the distance between them with two chick steps.

“No Die.”

And he kissed me. It was a chaste kiss but it made me understand. And I broke
down right there on the threshold. This time it wasn’t out of desperation but
out of relief. I hadn´t lost him. 


“Sshh…everything is fine…you won’t lose me...I am here. And I am staying
here. Where I belong to.” 






end of fanfic




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