Repression von abgemeldet ================================================================================ Kapitel 4: ----------- here we go....eigentlich sollten noch mehr als ein kapitel folgen...aber...ich wusste nicht wo ich das unterteilen sollte etc...und um ehrlich zu sein hab ich auch keine lust mehr auf die FF...von daher....ein kapitel mit 75% fortschritt xD das ende ist auf susis mist gewachsen..ich hab ihr die entscheidung überlassen ob die beiden sich trennen oder nicht..... dann noch mal das übliche: die jungs gehören sich, ich bekomme (leider) kein geld hierfür..es entspringt alles nur meinem kranken,übermüdeten gehirn zum abschied lass ich mal keckse da^^ selbst für die schwarz-leser...falls es die geben sollte xD viel spass damit und teilt mir fehler bitte mit...wie gesagt..ich schlafe fast nicht und darunter leidet meine grammatik bestimmt... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It had to be nearly midday when I awoke. Shinya had let me sleep in. Very unusual for Mr. Punctuality, especially because we had practice today. And obviously he had left without me. Another mysterious fact. Shinya had never gone to practice without me (at least not since they were living together). Not thinking about it any further I stood up from the bed and made my way to the bathroom for a quick shower. I avoided looking into the mirror. I didn’t need to see my reflection to know that I looked horrible. I enjoyed the shower; the warmth of the water calmed me down a little. Maybe I was even a little bit more relaxed now. ´fascinating after a night like this` I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. It was time to call my boyfriend and ask him why he didn’t wake me up earlier the morning. While looking for my mobile around the flat I found a note in the kitchen, right next to the coffee machine. Placed there to make sure Die, THE caffeine junky, would find it. - I´ll be back at 7p.m. , we need to talk. Shinya- `What the heck?` No “I love you”, no “call me when you are awake”, nothing. Just facts. There have always just been two reasons for Shinya being THAT cold towards me. Possibility one was, that I fucked something up and the second possibility was…well….that I fucked something up. `What did I do? Did I forget to clean the kitchen? I didn’t even use the kitchen yesterday except for making coffee. Did I forget our anniversary? No I never did that. Did I flirt with Toshiya again? No, last time I flirted with him his hair was still blue. Did I mention another name in my sleep?` “Oh my god….” I nearly collapsed at the mere thought of Shinya knowing what I had done. That I had killed my father. Even if it had been self defence. And even if I probably saved my and my mothers´ life. And even if my father had deserved what he had got. `He will break up. He will leave me. He can’t cope with this. And how could I blame him? I can’t even cope with this myself.` Without me noticing it tears were streaking down my face. I started sobbing like a child when my own thoughts finally fully reached him. “Shinya….I am sorry. I love you…” “I love you, too Die….” I turned his head in disbelief. The fact that Shinya wasn´t expected to be back at this hour was totally forgotten. `How can he say that?` “What?” “I said that I love you…and that wasn´t the first time that I did. Although the reaction is the same. Why are you asking? And why are you crying sweetcup? And what are you sorry for?” `Sweetcup?` Shinya went over to me and embraced me from behind, nuzzling his face in my neck. I was totally confused. Had I been that sure Shinya would leave me. Was there a chance that I hadn’t been talking in my sleep? But why would Shinyas´ note be as it is when I hadn’t been? “Shinya…why are you here? I mean I am more than happy to see you I thought you would leave me after finding out what happened but how can you say that you love me…” “Die….what the hell are you talking about?” he turned me a little to be able to look into my eyes. “What´s wrong with you? You weren’t yourself for months now…and I am not going to let you go on with this, especially not after last night.” I breathed in heavily. “You mumbled incomprehensibly all the way long so I let you sleep in today and left you that note. Did that uncertain you? And by the way….there is absolutely nothing that could make me leave you. Nothing.” Stunned by Shinyas´ confession I wasn’t able to say anything. I just sat there looking at him. `He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. Thank God.` “Except from staring at me you could tell me what’s wrong with you. And this time you won’t get out of this without telling me. You just mentioned yourself that there is something to find out and I know that you hate being pushed to talking just like me but it seems as if you would never open your mouth even if I would wait a hundred years. And the fact that you’re sitting in our kitchen dressed in a towel crying tells me that it is indeed something serious.” Shinya knew he was cruel and forcing Die to no end but he didn’t see any other way. “Shinya….I can’t. You will leave me if you know…..” “No I am not….please tell me.” He tried the best mix of seriousness and calming affect he could build up. Reassuringly he started to play with Dies´ hair. “Please…trust me…..tell me….” he whispered. I turned my head and let my eyes wander around the kitchen. The sun was shining trough the window, the birds were chirping and I could hear the traffic going on down on the street. It could have been a total normal day… `I have to tell him….I love him…he has to know it…he deserves to know the truth about the man he believes to love…´ I breathed in slowly and started talking. Finally. After 16 years of silence. “I killed him…my father I mean….he abused me and my mother…one day he….he…tried to rape me….and I killed him. Just like that. Rammed a screwdriver into his heart…I didn’t even mean to kill him…I just wanted to defend myself….was the only thing I could find…after that I was hospitalized…. needed psychological treatment they said…had some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome….wasn´t talking for weeks….they let me out after one year… I couldn’t cope with the world outside….couldn´t cope with what I had done….my mother didn’t want me back…she told me I am insane and dangerous and that I would be like my father…she never said ´thank you´ for me probably rescuing her life…I never saw any of my brothers again….that was when I started doing drugs….everything I could get…I even prostituted myself…got clean when I was around 20…and started a new life….or at least I thought so….” I turned over to Shinya again. He didn’t look at me. He stared at some point next to the window. Tears were streaming down his cheeks; dropping into the curve of his collarbone. His eyes seemed empty. “And then I met you….Shinya?.... Please say something. Yell at me, hit me or I don’t know what….but please…..” “I don’t know what to say Die…..I don’t know what I should think and I don’t know what I should do….” He was trembling. `I scare him´ “I am sorry….for everything….for lying to you… for making you fall in love with me in the first hand. I should never let it happen. You should be with someone who is worth of your love….I´ll leave….also the band….you will never have to see me again….” I stood up leaving for the bedroom trying as hard as I could not to break down. I lost the love of my life. And as if this wouldn’t be hard enough I also lost my place in the band. I could never play for someone else than these four guys. So my private life was over and my working life as well. ´Just like 16 years ago´ I just packed a few things together…as best as I could with trembling hands and the tears that were blurring my sight. I turned to leave when I saw Shinyas´ sleeping shirt lying on his side of the bed. I went over and inhaled the scent of his. Then I packed the shirt into my bag and turned to leave finally. I couldn’t stand being in here any longer. I needed to get out of here and break down. ´ Where should I go?´ I walked past the kitchen; Shinya was still sitting there, staring seemingly blankly into space. He was still crying soundlessly. How much I wanted to comfort him, tell him that everything would turn out fine and beg him to forgive me but I had done enough to Shinya… ´Good-Bye my one and only love….I´ll never forget you. I love you´ With this thought I took the few remaining steps towards the front door and opened it. “DIE!” I stood still. I couldn´t think of anything that he would still want from me. “Die?! Don’t go! Please!” ´what?´ I heard footsteps. And then a hand touched my shoulder hesitantly. “Please Die…. stay….” “Why? Shinya…I did so much to you….I am more a burden than anything else to you….I don’t want to get you further involved in this as you are now….I love you too much for this…” “If you love me… you really love me….then stay. I won’t let this destroy what we have. I love you. I don’t care…You are not dangerous, you are not insane and you are no murderer…it was self-defence…and I won’t let anybody tell me what to think….not even you. I love you. I want to help you through this, I will support you….please…turn over…look at me…I want to look into those beautiful brown eyes that I love so much…..” And so I did. Even if I couldn’t really get what Shinya had just been saying. ´He still loves me? How do I deserve this?´ Shinyas´ face was wet with tears but his eyes as his lips were smiling warmly at him. Was it love I could see in his eyes? “Die? Say something please….” “I…I don’t know...what to say….I….am confused….totally….you don’t want me to leave?” Shinya closed the distance between them with two chick steps. “No Die.” And he kissed me. It was a chaste kiss but it made me understand. And I broke down right there on the threshold. This time it wasn’t out of desperation but out of relief. I hadn´t lost him. “Sshh…everything is fine…you won’t lose me...I am here. And I am staying here. Where I belong to.” end of fanfic Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)